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Aibu about crappy birthday?

(21 Posts)
Firesoutagain Wed 05-Nov-14 18:18:27

Warning: spoilt rant approaching...

I feel childish and like a whiny brat but can't help being really deflated and disappointed with dh's seeming lack of regard for my feelings.
On his birthday (which he pretends to hate) I always make sure I've really thought of something, not always a gift but sometimes an activity, that I know he'll love and have a connection with - memory-making stuff like tickets to take our son to his first footie game. We've spoken about gifts previously and I've always said that it doesn't matter what it is / what it costs as long as he's thought about it, taken time to think about me and what I'd like. So, yesterday my kids wake me up with cuddles and singing and a present... from my neighbour. I get downstairs to find a bunch of flowers and a bottle of fizz from dh that he'd bought on the way back from the station the night before. No card. Not even a note on the flowers. What I'm really pi55ed about is that he hadn't got anything for the kids - they'd made me cards using their drawing paper and were a bit embarrassed about it. Obvs I made all the right noises etc and went off to work happy. Dodged the questions over "what did dh give you for your bday" from work colleagues and eagerly headed home to a nice family tea. Nothing. Went to the petrol station to buy cupcakes so the kids could blow out candles. Half hoping dh had something up his sleeve. Nothing. He logged on in the kitchen, I walked the dogs (in tears) and watched TV by myself all night. Confronted him as head was boiling and couldn't sleep only for it to all be my fault. He's away today / tonight so can ignore it all but am just so gutted. Am I behaving like a spoiled brat here or is this just passive aggressive crap.

Suefla62 Wed 05-Nov-14 18:29:40

My husband did that years ago when we were first married ( we been married 45 years now). I went out the next day and bought myself a beautiful (very expensive) piece of jewelry. I made a huge fuss when he got home, saying how nice he was to have let me choose my own present etc. he went quite white when I gave him the receipt. He's never not given me a nice present since. grin

Firesoutagain Wed 05-Nov-14 19:19:36

Suefla62 sad thing is I did that a few years ago... Doesn't seem to have learned his lesson!!

WerewolfBarMitzvah Wed 05-Nov-14 19:24:34

That wouldn't upset me in the slightest, but I'm not fussed about birthdays.
But if it bothered you so much, he needs to know how you feel. Does he usually not go to much effort for birthdays? Explain it all to him and hopefully next year, you'll get what you want.
Oh and happy birthday btw. Sorry I didn't get you anything......grin

waithorse Wed 05-Nov-14 19:27:43

I like your style Sue. grin

Op, I'd be having words with your "d"h. Happy birthday for yesterday. wine thanks cake

Sparkletastic Wed 05-Nov-14 19:30:29

Absolutely unacceptable. Thoughtless, uncaring behaviour should not be tolerated in a marriage. Anyone that chimes in with 'well it wouldn't bother me I don't care about birthdays' should button it as OP clearly does care and should have the effort she makes for her H reciprocated.

Firesoutagain Wed 05-Nov-14 19:34:01

Thank you Sparkles. Feeling a bit raw having explained how I felt only to have him become the 'victim'. Somehow always ends up my fault.

area52 Wed 05-Nov-14 19:37:16

could you tell him that you 'd like a meal/night away something and ask him to book/arrange something?

Sparkletastic Wed 05-Nov-14 19:39:11

Is it just birthdays he's crap about Fires or is this a bigger issue?

Xenadog Wed 05-Nov-14 19:49:25

Happy belated birthday Fire I'm sorry you had a crappy birthday - I would have been very upset as well had I been in your position.

If I were you I would write your DH a letter explaining why you are upset, how much you are upset and what you need from him in future. I would also be telling him he needs to make things up to you.

How he responds would then determine what I did.

Firesoutagain Wed 05-Nov-14 19:49:27

Who knows. We've put so many plasters on things over the last couple of years that I've lost track. We've been getting along really well for the last few months so I guess I had my hopes dashed. Normally wouldn't bother me, this time it's just stuck.

Firesoutagain Wed 05-Nov-14 19:51:48

Area52 it isn't not getting something that's bothered me, it's about him thinking about it and making a bit of an effort. Anything now would be forced and conciliatory rather than heartfelt. I don't want that for either of us.

Inertia Wed 05-Nov-14 19:51:50

Firstly happy birthday smile

Secondly, when he comes home how about taking yourself and the children out for a celebratory birthday meal ? Do this next birthday too.

And stop doing or buying anything for his birthday.

notagainffffffffs Wed 05-Nov-14 19:55:30

Yanbu. What a dick. Get yourself online and buy yourself something wonderful, to the amount you would spend on him. Tbh I think you are probably flogging a dead horse with him but your children sound lovely and thoughtful x

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Wed 05-Nov-14 20:03:28

Sue that is brilliant. grin

It's my birthday tomorrow so I might have to try that out if dh isn't forthcoming.

Happy Birthday Firesoutagain! thanks cake wine

paddlenorapaddle Wed 05-Nov-14 20:12:53

This isn't about the birthday though is it

It's about feeling loved and valued and right now you don't.

I'm not sure what to suggest except to organise your own birthday celebrations in future and reign in your DH celebrations as he's obviously not thinking about you see if that doesn't jolt him into action

And for what it's worth Happy Birthday Xox

vdbfamily Wed 05-Nov-14 20:13:33
This is a great book that explains how we all have different ways of expressing love and it can be puzzling to our partners/children if we speak a different 'love language'.
The 5 languages are 'words of affirmation','acts of service','receiving gifts', 'quality time' and 'physical touch'. I like gifts and words of affirmation and don't get much of either from DH. He likes 'quality time' and 'acts of service'. This means he will probably want to DO something for a birthday and is great at breakfast in bed and stuff like that but he rarely says 'I love you' and the last card he gave me came out of my emergency card drawer(that I had bought months before!!)Occasionally I might get a bathbomb from Lush if he happens to have been nearby.If I actually want a present I would have to clearly tell him what it was I wanted.
Obviously,having read the book,it would be great if my hubby had read it too(I did explain the basics to him) but it basically means that I understand that he is not just being unpleasant,he just does not get it. He has certainly never bought me gifts from our kids but it had never crossed my mind that people do that. They are now big enough to nag him to give them money to buy me something. Sorry your birthday was not what you expected,I do know what it feels like and I think now I try and manage my expectations and then occasionally am pleasantly surprised !!

Firesoutagain Wed 05-Nov-14 20:30:12

He went to the World Cup for his birthday (admittedly a big bday) so if I took this advice is have a cracking present! (And a credit card bill to match!). Thank you all for letting me know I'm not (just) behaving like a brat. It really isn't the gift - it's the lack of thought that I'm gutted about.

I'll read the book, write the letter, do the shopping and drink the wine....


Bunbaker Wed 05-Nov-14 20:36:57

Sorry you had a crap birthday.

My husband doesn't "do" birthdays. They aren't important to him so he thinks they shouldn't be important to anyone else. He is also very forgetful, so he asks me to remind him because he can't stand me playing the martyr.

So that is what I do and it works for us.

BTW it was my birthday on Sunday. OH was over 5,000 miles away and DD had left most of her homework to do on Sunday so I spent all day making sure DD did her homework instead of doing something nice.

Firesoutagain Wed 05-Nov-14 20:40:31

Happy birthday to you too. Next year lets have a joint party and leave them to babysit.

WerewolfBarMitzvah Wed 05-Nov-14 21:49:44

Alright Sparkle, I wasn't having a go and I do sympathise with OP.

OP, I hope you manage to get through to DH somehow and get the recognition you deserve.

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