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Aibu to want to keep it to ourselves?

(36 Posts)
Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 11:57:18

I'm about 9 weeks pregnant and I haven't told anyone yet but one person, and that's only because I was so sick.

To be completely honest I'm struggling with the whole thing for various reasons and have considered that I don't actually have to go through with it.

Dp keeps asking when he can tell his mum and dad and it's driving me insane.

If I decide to go ahead I wanted to keep it quiet until after the scan, not only because anything could happen but because I'm finding it all so overwhelming I don't need the added pressure of people knowing. I have my first scan date but haven't even arranged my booking appointment yet because it just makes it feel so real.

I know it's about him too not just me, but I don't see the rush to tell people. I often feel he worries what his family think or that they'll be upset if he doesn't tell them things, but it's my body and our baby and I couldn't really give a monkeys about anyone else right now.

I'm annoyed because he hasn't even arranged the day off for the scan yet but he's pestering me about telling his mum and dad.

FelicityGubbins Wed 05-Nov-14 12:35:40

He is probably "pestering you" about telling his parents as he wants the child and is excited about becoming a father , but as you state in your opening post that you haven't actually decided to continue the pregnancy or not then it's rather pointless him booking a day of work to see a scan that might not happen!
I'm not having a go at you, but you are being very contradictory.

MsVestibule Wed 05-Nov-14 12:43:15

Does he know you're considering having a termination? Have you considered counselling to help you make that decision? Just out of interest, how did you book your scan without having attended your booking in appointment? Maybe the process has changed since I had my DCs, but the midwife sent the request to the hospital, I didn't approach them myself.

Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 12:44:42

Gosh I've just realised how I've made that sound. It looks like jumbled nonsense.

Dp and I have a few issues, we don't even live together and he hasn't shown very much enthusiasm in fact he's made me feel quite awful about the whole thing, asking what I think I'm going to do about space, and other practicalities.

This is in part the reason why I have considered ending the pregnancy.

I realise it makes no sense talking about scan dates when I am considering this but I feel that if he showed a bit more enthusiasm and support I might feel more secure in going.

I think we have other things to sort out between us rather than worrying about spreading the word.

Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 12:48:13

Yes I have spoke to him about it but he just shrugs and says I won't do it.

My GP referred me to the community midwives and I received my scan date by letter, it's not at the hospital it's at a community clinic, I got a later from the midwife after that asking me to ring to arrange my booking in appointment. Which I haven't done yet but I've got 3 weeks.

Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 12:52:24

I didn't approach anyone myself the GP referred me and the community midwives contacted me.

Perhaps aibu was the wrong place for this.

InfinitySeven Wed 05-Nov-14 12:53:11

It does seem very jumbled.

From an outsiders point of view, he does sound excited, but not at all supportive.

Have you considered making a list of things that you require to feel supported? What would be on that?

For example, you've mentioned that you don't live together, and that you don't have enough space. Do you want to live together? Would that be possible?

At the end of the day, though, he is unlikely to fundamentally change. If he's always been unsupportive and unhelpful, as it would appear that he is here, it's unrealistic to assume that he'll change just because he has a child. And if you're bringing up a child living in separate places, you're going to feel like a single parent. From what you've said about him, it might even be like having two children.

You need to have a serious chat with him about the future. Ideally, you need to go into it knowing what you want. It's very muddled at the moment - It would be very easy for him to convince himself that you won't end the pregnancy, if you are still planning scans, for example. If that really is an option, it's one that you need to talk about and decide as soon as possible.

Did your GP refer you to counselling?

Obviously if you do decide to end the pregnancy, it's going to be easier the earlier along you are. It'll also presumably be a lot easier before the scan.

What does your head say, right now? Is your instinctive response to continue, or not?

Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 13:02:58

What I was trying to get across in the op, but I haven't managed to do that is that I don't feel he's excited but more worried his mum and dad will be annoyed that they weren't told. Without considering everything else. If he was excited he'd be showing enthusiasm about other things, such as the scan, but I think he's very worried about what his parents will think.

I didn't say anything to the GP about how I'm feeling, to be honest when I first found out I didn't really consider not having the baby. I just went through the motions, started taking folic acid, went to the doctors, she didn't question whether I was happy about the pregnancy she just said congratulations and filled out a referral. The scan appointment is just automatic as obviously they don't know what I'm thinking.

Since then I've got scared for a number of reasons.

Yes it would be entirely possible for dp and I to move in together but for various reasons I could see me ending up in this alone.

I shouldn't have posted this here I feel very shitty and confused I probably haven't explained everything very well

CattyCatCat Wed 05-Nov-14 13:03:31

I think you need to be very clear with DP about the fact you are considering terminating. Stress to him that it is therefore not appropriate to share the news with family. It is not yet a celebration, it is a time for hard decisions and his pressure to share is making everything more stressful for you.

You need to speak to your GP about how you are feeling. If you are considering terminating then don't delay getting into the system, counselling etc. Think of it as maintaining all options (I.e being able to take an a oration pill, have a surgical procedure or decide to have a baby).

Good luck deciding what future you want. Don't let DP pressure you into anything you are not comfortable or happy with flowers

Seriouslyffs Wed 05-Nov-14 13:09:27

Cattycat's first paragraph sets it out very clearly, op.

Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 13:11:48

I've done nothing but think and think for the past few weeks.

I haven't gone around arranging scans, I just went through the motions in autopilot.

I realise I haven't got much time left and I know that I need to come to a decision in the next week really.

I realise people may be offended or not agree with what I'm saying I'm fully aware of what a termination involves and the timescales for taking that option but this is an enormous decision for me.

I want dp to focus more on what's happening with us rather than worrying about other people.

DoJo Wed 05-Nov-14 13:13:22

It sounds like you are in a difficult position and need some time and space to think things through. I think you should tell your partner that you want to either have a proper conversation about it where he listens to you and takes your points on board, or he needs to leave you alone to make the decision by yourself. It doesn't sound like his input is helping you, and distractions about who you tell and when aren't going to be helping you to make the right decision for you. Do you actually want to be with him long term, regardless of what you decide with your pregnancy? You don't sound that keen TBH and that must be affecting the way you feel about continuing the pregnancy. flowers

Thebodynowchillingsothere Wed 05-Nov-14 13:15:30

Op you don't need to consider anyone else's view here except yours. Not your partner/inlaws. Stop worrying about them.

If you feel you can't discuss this with your GP then go to your local BPAS or brook clinic. You need to discuss all of your options in a safe And non judgmental non pressure environment.

When you decide the fundamental of either having the baby or terminating them you can move forward with things.

Any decision you make is valid but bear in mind a termination is much better the earlier you can access so get help ASAP.

Good luck op. thanks

Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 13:17:45

I have spoken to him quite openly a out the fact that I'm considering a termination but he has just shrugged and said it's a bit late, you wouldn't do it etc.

There is no massive financial reason why we can't have this baby we are both employed adults with our own homes, it's just about us but more him getting our acts together. Working together or as I feel him working as a family not as a single man as at the moment he's got one foot in.

InfinitySeven Wed 05-Nov-14 13:19:03

Your anguish is palpable.

Do you want to be with him?

I really feel for you. It seems an impossible decision. I don't know what else to do other than to ask questions and hope maybe they help you clarify things in your head.

Thebodynowchillingsothere Wed 05-Nov-14 13:23:11

A man who shrugs away a pregnant woman's concerns and worries isn't a keeper op.

Boomtownsurprise Wed 05-Nov-14 13:23:32

If he's worried about parents, is he very young? You see to me that sounds like he's been 'trapped' or 'stupid' not that he's thinking of this as a family. It sounds more like he's going to be a 'baby daddy' than baby's daddy.

Think carefully. Every option is available to you at present.

Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 13:29:13

I do, I realise I sound cold and uncaring. I'm not but I'm forcing myself to be clinical about this because I already have one child to think about and he is my priority. I realise this isn't a 4-5 week pregnancy and the implications of that.

There are so many possible outcomes for this, things working out and we're all happy, me becoming a single parent and the consequences of that, having an abortion and dealing with the emotional aftermath of that.

I do care about dp and we have some lovely amazing times but I realise men (and women), don't just automatically drop all their bad ways when a baby comes along.

ChippingInAutumnLover Wed 05-Nov-14 13:31:34

Firstly, report your OP to MN and ask them if they could move it out of AIBU.

I think that you are already in this alone and that you certainly will be going forward sad. You need to put his and anyone else's feelings aside. Do YOU want to have this baby and are you prepared to raise it on your own? That is the only way you can approach this decision. They are the only two things you have control over.

Sockstealer Wed 05-Nov-14 13:32:18

No boomtown he's not very young neither of us are. We're in our 30s. And the relationship isn't just some fling. But he does still very much care what mum and dad think.

Not that they will be disapproving, they will be very supportive and lovely grandparents, but he will be worrying that they will have wanted to be told sooner.

minipie Wed 05-Nov-14 13:32:23

If I were you I'd report your own post and ask for it to be moved to Antenatal choices or somewhere like that as AIBU might not be the most sensitive place.

YANBU to want to keep it to yourselves. It seems odd to me that DP cares so much about telling his parents but doesn't seem to want to help you with any of the practical issues like living arrangements or space. Who cares if they are cross with him, I mean really that seems a very childish thing to be worried about.

As regards termination: please do think about this sooner rather than later, as you have more options and it is physically simpler the earlier you are. You could contact BPAS for example who will talk you through the options without any pressure to decide one way or the other.

Do you want to have a baby now? Even if you had to do it alone? How would you feel if you miscarried ... relieved or sad? (I know probably a bit of both, but which more?) Do you have objections "in principle" against termination, or not? It's a very difficult decision, but these kinds of questions help some people decide.

Thebodynowchillingsothere Wed 05-Nov-14 13:33:39

You don't sound in the least cold or uncaring op. On the contrary you sound sensible and responsible for both yourself and your child.

You do need to talk to someone though as you don't want to be forced by time to fun out of options.

This is your pregnancy no one else's and it's your choice to do what is best for you. Xx

mummytime Wed 05-Nov-14 13:35:52


I would strongly suggest you go and talk to someone - Brooks, BPA, your GP, a midwife. No one is judging you. Sometimes just thinking isn't enough, you need to share to get your thoughts clear, and it doesn't sound as if your DP is helping here.

ChippingInAutumnLover Wed 05-Nov-14 13:36:02

You don't sound cold and uncaring, you sound worried, scared and frustrated.

He isn't in this with you, he's being bloody horrible and all he cares about is telling his parents! No matter what 'good times' you have had, he's not a keeper. A man who just shrugs and say 'you won't do it' when you discuss having a termination isn't one worth keeping. You deserve much, much better than that.

QuintsBombWithAWiew Wed 05-Nov-14 13:41:57

Poor you. Is he always just shrugging and being dismissive when you bring up your concerns or want to discuss things with him, or just regards this pregnancy?

You have clocked on to him not featuring much going forward, so I agree you need to decide whether you want the baby and if you are prepared to raise it alone, with the added frustration of this man half way in your life.

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