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first time grandparents......and first time mum!

(58 Posts)
ramona85 Tue 04-Nov-14 19:27:17

Since I got pregnant ILs have really been getting on my nerves and I don't know how to stop it. I love them and I don't want to feel this way at such an important time in all our lives...
I think a lot of it is my fault, I am being over sensitive and it's causing issues with DH.
- when broke news of pregnancy to FIL adv we were waiting til 12 wk scan to tell anyone outside family in case of MC etc. Told me (just me, not DH, who sat meekly in corner as I got told off) that I was being ridiculous and he would be telling anyone he liked (which he did) MIL and BIL joined in, also telling me not to be silly and to let FIL enjoy 'his' moment. I CANNOT GET OVER THIS. I'm still fuming.
-ALL ILS think we will journey to hosp together and they will be there for entire labour. Have told them no, which they were pissed about they can come after when we've bonded as a family and I have recovered a bit. FIL said we can't keep him from coming and he will be there.
-FIL keeps referring to baby as 'his grandson' and me as 'his boy's mum' tho we don't know sex. Really annoys me!
-they are already talking about babysitting all day and overnight which is making me feel nervous, am only 3 mths pg! MIL wants baby x1 day per week. I should be grateful as that will help with childcare when i go back to work but I feel apprehensive about it.

Any tips of being the bigger person and not letting this stuff bother me? I know FIL is just excited and I have this feeling of resentment building in me that won't go away and DH can tell but he thinks they are being fine (hospital shiz aside, he knows that if any of them turn up before we say so my labouring ass will murder them)

Why do babies turn perfectly nice peope into assholes? I loved my FIL b4 this now everything he does pisses me off. If he's like this now, what will he be like when it's born? Or am I the asshole? I just don't know anymore.....ugh

LineRunner Tue 04-Nov-14 19:29:03

Really? Tell him to fuck off.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 04-Nov-14 19:32:00

Oh lordy this sounds hard! You need to get this nipped in the bud ASAP and you need DH onside.

1) do not inform them that you are in labour. If possible, give them a due date that is at least ten days past the actual one in order to throw them off
2) every time FIL says "grandson" and "boy" have dh remind him that you dont know the sex (tbh if you are planning on finding out id keep it between you and DH)
3) every time the babysitting is mentioned just a casual "that would be lovely after the first few months or so" - then keep putting them off til you feel totally comfy with it.

All.of this relies on your dh backing you completely.

BitchPeas Tue 04-Nov-14 19:34:25

They sound horrendous.

Just laugh at all their suggestions. Laugh manically like it's the most hilarious thing you've ever heard. Throw in some 'omg who does that, that's so weird, turning up at the hospital, we aren't in a friends episode' then continue the laughter like they are so so funny. Whenever he says my boy, say errrrr I think you mean my girl, and laugh some more. They should get the hint.

If they don't, tell them to fuck off and change your number.

Charingcrossbun Tue 04-Nov-14 19:38:58

Omg you poor thing! yanbu I'd have killed him by now. Telling people when you asked him not to is outrageous and I am furious on your behalf! I think DP needs to step up and talk to them.
That being said the best thing for you to do at this stage is ignore. This is your baby and you and your DH will do whatever is best for your family but at this stage there is little point in arguing about babysitting etc..
A phrase such as "we'll see" could be useful. My MIL was the same v excited and over the top. DP had a word and set up some rules - no buying baby things (which turned into no showing me the baby things) and stopping talking about baby/pregnancy when asked, no planning dates etc. I think DP made out j was superstitious rather than just pissed off by it. She obeyed (ish) and we got through it. Once baby was here I could have asked her to hop backwards round the living room naked and she would have if it meant time with her grandson. She is a wonderful grandma.
Good luck.

LineRunner Tue 04-Nov-14 19:39:49

I'm definitely sticking with the Fuck Off advice.

HedgehogsDontBite Tue 04-Nov-14 19:43:18

Your DH and you need to be in agreement about these things will go and then he needs to be the one informing his parents, and dealing with them when they play up.

MrsRumbles Tue 04-Nov-14 19:50:50

You really do need to nipped this in the bud now! I have just posted about my mil and how we are not getting along. I also saw the warning signs like you. Do something now x

MrsRumbles Tue 04-Nov-14 19:52:58

I wish I had been more upfront and strong from the start.

Chunderella Tue 04-Nov-14 19:53:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigsDOfly Tue 04-Nov-14 19:54:45

I'm with LineRunner.

Your FIL particularly sounds an absolute nightmare. Your DH needs to tell him to back off.

Agree about not telling the proper due date and don't tell them you're in labour until well after baby has arrived and you're ready to let them meet your baby.

Remember it's your and DH's baby, not FIL's, and it's not his 'moment'; stupid man.

ProfYaffle Tue 04-Nov-14 19:56:17

And don't tell them any names you're considering either.

LokiBear Tue 04-Nov-14 19:59:54

Your DH needs to pull on his big boy pants and tell his parents thst they are not coming to the birth of your child, you are not receiving visitors at the hospital and they can visit you when you phone and tell them they can come. No arguments. Tell mil that you will be grateful for her having the baby when you go back to work, however, you are not committing to anyone looking after your child for a whole day or over night until you are ready. You will let them know when that is. In the meantime, it isn't up for discussion. Say strong and firm. It is lovely that they are excited, but this is your baby and they need to follow your lead. If all else fails, I will tell them for you, I can be a bolshy cow when I want to be. grin

middlings Tue 04-Nov-14 20:00:15

Others have said, but let me reemphasise. Get DH onside. This is his fight and his job is to protect you and the baby.

Good luck thanks

didireallysaythat Tue 04-Nov-14 20:07:01

Definitely definitely definitely tell them a due date 2-3 weeks after your real one (first babies are often late).

My ILS wanted us to call when I went into labour so they could drive down to be there for the birth. We said no. And no visits for a week after. The birth bit was OK. But the morning after I was sent home the door bell rang at 8am and Surprise! there they were on the doorstep. Complete with a miniature golf set for junior.

If you can reign them in now, please do. Set your rules down from the very beginning - its much fairer for everyone. It ruined my relationship with them - I'm constantly thinking they will ignore all our wishes. And this was 8 years ago. Bitter ? Twisted ? Me ?

SauvignonBlank Tue 04-Nov-14 20:07:29

Suggest that if they really want to help the biggest gift would be to start paying into a pension now for their future grandchild!

Bunbaker Tue 04-Nov-14 20:10:03

If you don't require childcare no-one needs to know when you go into labour.

Ditto giving a later due date to throw them off.

youmustbejoking75 Tue 04-Nov-14 20:13:05

It's not your baby it's a toy!!!! Didn't you know. What is going on here tonight.

Stop the info train now. Dh needs to man up. I would actually never see them again. But then I'm a hard nosed bitch.

generaltilney Tue 04-Nov-14 20:14:00

LOL at the golf set.

To be fair to them, I bet that's been the most fantastic anecdote for 8 years and counting...

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Tue 04-Nov-14 20:14:01

I agree with the fuck off remark.

Giving birth is not a spectator sport ( been dying to use that page for ages)

BogStandardOldWoman Tue 04-Nov-14 20:14:26

What a nightmare for you. You are going to have to be incredibly firm, and agree this will only work if your DH backs you up.
Why on earth do grandparents/prospective grandparents act this way? I have no insight, only a deep commitment not to be this way should my DD have children..

TinklyLittleLaugh Tue 04-Nov-14 20:23:54

Tell FiL fine, if he can't respect your wishes then he won't be party to any other inside information, scan pictures, sex of baby or prospective names.

Tell him he can come to see the new baby by all means but if you are tired, hormonal or struggling with breast feeding, then you will leave him standing on the doorstep.

He has had his moment; this is your moment. Seriously, you cannot play nice with people like this. Just disengage until they are willing to respect your wishes.

grannytomine Tue 04-Nov-14 20:27:15

I don't think they can visit you against your wishes, the hospital will back you on that. When I got home from hospital my midwife was there when a group of relatives arrived and she told them in no uncertain terms that I needed rest and they could come back for a short visit in a few days. I don't know if midwives are still that fantastic.

My mother was determined she was going to be with me when I had a home birth, she was there to look after older son. I told midwife if she came in the bedroom I was leaving. She put her head round the door once and was asked to leave.

I had lovely midwives who looked after me so well. Good luck I hope you get some good backup.

AMumInScotland Tue 04-Nov-14 20:27:27

You do need DH to nip this in the bud. It doesn't need to be a huge confrontation, just "It's lovely that you're so excited about your first grandchild, I totally get that it's amazing for you too. But you're going a bit OTT on the forward planning, so please can you just ease off a bit? There'll be plenty of time once he or she is here to think about babysitting."

Then you both stick to that when things come up.

If they are just 'over-excited' then that will probably be enough to keep them within an adequate set of boundaries.

If it doesn't, and they get arsey about it - well, forewarned is forearmed, and you can make sure you're conscious of the need to decide yourselves where the boundaries are going to be.

avocadotoast Tue 04-Nov-14 20:30:13

Oh my god they sound horrendous. I agree with what other people have said, your DH needs to be having words here. They're his parents, he needs to be the one to set them in check.

On a more practical level, is there a way you can see them less often? Would that help at all?

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