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To be very peed off with DH about this?

(65 Posts)
delicialicious Tue 04-Nov-14 18:41:46

I have had PND twice. During both my episodes of PND, my DH was very unsupportive and basically didn't give a fuck. Leaving me was mentioned more than once. He refused to engage in any conversations about my PND, and was mean and horrible to me at times when I found normal household tasks difficult.

Now his sister has PND too. FIL phoned yesterday to tell DH. DH is super-supportive about it all, and keeps saying about how worried he is about his sister and how horrible it must be for her, and that we must help. FIL is arranging a bit of a rota to help SIL with childcare, and DH is fully expecting me to rally round and to do my bit too!

AIBU to be pissed off with DH that he didn't give a shit about my PND yet I am expected to be all sympathetic to his sister? I have tried to discuss it with him today and he says that he thinks he was very understanding and supportive to me!

ImperialBlether Tue 04-Nov-14 18:44:20

To be honest, your PND might have lifted sooner if you'd dumped that inconsiderate twat.

Whatever happened to "in sickness and in health"?

What's your relationship like with his sister?

PomBearWithAnOFRS Tue 04-Nov-14 18:49:11

Warn him that if he intends to be "understanding and supportive" to his sister in the same way he was to you, he may well prolong her illness and/or make her feel worse...

delicialicious Tue 04-Nov-14 18:54:12

I get on okay with SIL, but she is very much the centre of attention within the family and they don't "do" upsetting her.

To add, I got no support at all from FIL either when I was ill.

LadyLuck10 Tue 04-Nov-14 18:58:30

Yanbu, but tbh you still went ahead and chose to go through it again with him. You should have dealt with his unsupportive attitude the first time making sure it won't happen again.

mouselittle Tue 04-Nov-14 18:58:59

YADNBU for being peed off.
I definitely wouldn't be helping SIL with childcare either. If DH is so concerned let him help out.

Letthemtalk Tue 04-Nov-14 19:00:39

Yanbu to be pissed off at him, but you know the hell that she is going through, so I'd still do my bit to help her out.

Hakluyt Tue 04-Nov-14 19:01:46

Sod what anyone else says. Do you want to help another woman in a crap situation? If you do, then do it. If not, then don't. But don't refuse in order to score points off your dh.

delicialicious Tue 04-Nov-14 19:02:59

SIL didn't offer me any help or support though when I was ill.

I was, quite literally, all alone, as my family don't believe in mental health problems.

Hakluyt Tue 04-Nov-14 19:05:01

Still applies. Do what you feel is the right thing to do, do not be motivated by "pay back".

MonanaGellar Tue 04-Nov-14 19:07:47

How can people put up with relationships like these? sad

delicialicious Tue 04-Nov-14 19:08:08

I am happy to help to a certain extent.

However I work from home, and have a feeling that DH and FIL are expecting me to have SIL's kids a lot.

Itsfab Tue 04-Nov-14 19:28:16

I would have to have words at the first hint of anything relating to how terrible it is for the SIL.

You need to remind your twatty husband that his sister is suffering with the same illness you had and why should you help him at all. Help her if you want but not him.

You might be expected to have the kids but you can say no. Don't allow ANYONE to treat you badly.

I hope you are recovered now.

gamerchick Tue 04-Nov-14 19:41:49

Tell them all to knob off and tell them why. Who cares if it makes you look bitter or unreasonable. Remind your husband about instances when he brings up you helping out when it's your 'turn'.

Ideally this needs sorting out as your resentment will grow the more concern your husband shows and will eat at your relationship.

Hakluyt Tue 04-Nov-14 20:28:25

"Tell them all to knob off and tell them why. Who cares if it makes you look bitter or unreasonable. Remind your husband about instances when he brings up you helping out when it's your 'turn'."

It doesn't matter if it makes you look bitter and unreasonable but it does matter if it makes you feel bitter and unreasonable. Do what makes you feel good about yourself, whatever anyone else says. Don't let other people make you behave in ways you don't like.

2minsofyourtime Tue 04-Nov-14 20:29:59

Maybe your sil didn't offer any help because your dh minimised it.

There are 2 issues.

Your sil PND is separate to your dh's lack of support.

Pensionerpeep Tue 04-Nov-14 21:59:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

delicialicious Tue 04-Nov-14 22:20:01

The problem is that DH will never discuss it. He said today that he was sympathetic to me and that he's not prepared to discuss things that happened in the past and that as far as he's concerned that's the end of it.

skylark2 Tue 04-Nov-14 22:24:43

You could try saying "well, this is the level of support and help that I had from you and your family - so do you feel this is the level of support and help we should give SIL?"

Is it possible that your DH has had an "oh crap it must be real" moment now it's one of his never-suffers-from-MH-issues family who has PND?

nicenewdusters Tue 04-Nov-14 22:52:54

That's a horrible position for you to be in, I'd be absolutely livid. Part of me thinks you should point out to your dh and fil that you've had pnd twice but managed to get through it with no support. Your SIL is lucky because she has the support of her immediate family, so you wish her well.

However, in reality whether you offer to help may depend upon your relationship with your SIL. If you feel you want to help a fellow sufferer and family member then do. Withholding help to punish your husband may make you feel worse personally.

As for dealing with him, how dare he try and sweep it under the carpet. I should imagine you've been quietly seething with resentment about this for ages, and this has brought it to a head. Think of some of the things your dh said to you when you had pnd, some of the things he did/didn't do. Ask him how his sister would feel if he/his dad/her partner (where is he in all this?) said or did these things to her ?

If you do decide to help, I would arrange it directly with her. Don't discuss the situation with your dh or engage in his sympathy sessions for her, it'll just wind you up. I don't think you would be unreasonable not to help her though, you said earlier she offered you no help.

Unexpected Tue 04-Nov-14 22:57:42

I would tell your DH that you are happy to offer the same level of support to your SIL now as was offered to you when you were suffering, as that is obviously the family's idea of what is right/acceptable. Then sit back and do precisely that - nothing!

BaffledSomeMore Tue 04-Nov-14 23:05:42

I sort of agree with Unexpected although it's really conflicting to advise that to someone who knows what it's like. I had PND too and it was hard going. If DH and the ILs want to step up then that's their right but it sounds a bit like their stepping up features you doing the actual work.
Perhaps say yes great. I know exactly what help she needs so I'll tell you and you can find someone who can do it. Too busy? Oh me too.

rollonthesummer Tue 04-Nov-14 23:12:28

If DH and the ILs want to step up then that's their right but it sounds a bit like their stepping up features you doing the actual work.

Yup- this sounds about right. Paraphrase it back to DH.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 04-Nov-14 23:29:48

I agree with offering the same level of support as you received yourself. If you feel, however, that you'd like to support your SiL then do so but only to a level that YOU feel comfortable with. And accompany it with "I'm happy to do it, I know how bad I felt when no one in the family helped me when I was in your situation".

Canyouforgiveher Tue 04-Nov-14 23:41:38

It is all very well for your DH to say it is in the past. It is for him but it is unresolved for you.

I think you need a conversation with him where you tell him calmly how devastating PND was for you, how little support you had from anyone, how you felt he did not support you either, how bad you felt when he threatened to leave you. Then tell him that no matter how much he would wish for it to not have happened (I suspect he is ashamed of his behaviour but maybe not) it did and you will only be able to get over it and put it in the past if he acknowledges what happened and expresses regret.

Whether you help your SIL or not is a separate issue to me. if you want to help do if you feel you are unable, say so. But if you do I would expect your DH (and in laws) to notice that you are helping and to be very grateful to you.

I would be unable let a "well of course I will help. I had PND myself and got no help and know how hard that is" pass my lips to them all though.

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