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AIBU?

AIBU to exclude Aunt a little?

34 replies

AnniDollxox · 04/11/2014 09:52

My Mums sister, my auntie is a nice enough person but 5 years ago when I had DD she totally took over my life, I was single and young so I never questioned it. She put my mum out all the time and she never got to see her granddaughter. This really upset my grandma and dad.
She has had a lot of issues in her life, she had to give her son up for adoption at 16, and she has been married and divorced twice and she has recently fallen in to debt and been declared bankrupt for the fourth time in her life. But her biggest problem out of all that is she can't control herself!
I am currently 8 months pregnant with DC and this time I have a boyfriend and everything is different, his parents are really excited to be grandparents etc. she has already bought me lots of stuff and demanded that I let her come see me in the hospital. I am already embarrassed by how she acts and dresses and behaves towards people but I do love her, she is family and we are a closeish family. Should I talk to her or just leave it, I don't want to upset her but I don't want her ruining the first GC for inlaws! AIBU?

P.s forgot to mention she hates my mum because my mum and dad adopted me 10 years after she had to give her baby up. My mum was only 17 at the time.

OP posts:

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QueenofallIsee · 04/11/2014 10:03

Its a no brainer isn't it? You only include her in things that the rest of the extended family are included in and you pay no attention to demands. How awful that she felt that she had to give up a baby but she doesn't get a free pass for life. She actually sounds quite unpleasant, using you and your baby to score points against the family that she is upset with.

StopBarking · 04/11/2014 10:05

You're older now. I'd say straight out with a cheerful but assertive smile

"I'm going to involve my mum more this time around!".

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 04/11/2014 10:05

You're feeling like this because you're older and wiser and know you need to assert yourself. Don't accept any more gifts. Not one thing. TEll her "no thank you, I've got one." and refuse it no matter what.

Just keep saying no regarding her coming to the hospital and if you think she may just turn up, inform the staff she's not to come in BEFORE it happens.

Stop seeing so much of her. When you do, make sure it is on YOUR terms. Mind the language she uses when trying to arrange to visit. If she approaches "I';ll come and see you today" you say "No...not today as I'm busy but I will let you know when you can."

ALWAYS keep control and don't let her dictate anything.

StopBarking · 04/11/2014 10:07

Wow, extra complication that she hates your Mum

Ask your mum to go to the hospital with you. You won't want your bf's mum there, that'd be weird. You're entitled to choose your Mum over your aunt (if you have to and you shouldn't have to) that is your prerogative and you shouldn't feel any guilt.

pictish · 04/11/2014 10:13

Dh has an overbearing aunt so I sympathise with you. She's not quite so intense as yours, but she's pushy enough to irritate. Like you, I like her, she's a kind person and not unlikeable...but she places herself as having more priority in our lives than she actually does iygwim?
I have mil type hassles with her (nothing unbearable), whereas my actual mil is a peach.

You'll have to be firm, but do it kindly.

LucilleBluth · 04/11/2014 10:15

Why wouldn't she want her boyfriend's mum there....if that's what she wants.

Firbolg · 04/11/2014 10:24

YANBU, of course. No one has the right to make 'demands' on a recently-delivered mother.

But I don't quite understand how your aunt's behaviour last time around meant your mother never got to see her first grandchild, whatever her feelings are towards your mother. They need to sort out their own issues, as you set up the boundaries and relationships that work for you now you're not an intimidated child any more.

It does sound as if there's more going on, too, though, when you say that your aunt's dress and the way she behaves with others 'embarrasses' you...?

FishWithABicycle · 04/11/2014 10:27

YANBU you need to tell her, kindly, to back off now. It must have been really important to her to help you when you had your first DD, it may have been an opportunity for healing for her to support you in single-parenthood in a way she never was supported herself. However, she is going too far to try to insist on being more a part of your life than you want or need - you are a lot more grownup now and need to focus on being a family unit with your partner and children.

ChickenMe · 04/11/2014 10:55

People like this are emotional vampires aren't they?

I think best course of action with manipulative people is the "don't apologise, don't explain" mentality. It can also help to keep a bit of yourself back from these people otherwise they take over.

Talk to your mum about the aunt. Eg perhaps you could say that the aunt
is not to be told the minutiae of your pregnancy. And, whilst she has had a terrible time none of that is your fault (or your mums).

Regarding trying to be at the hospital I would find a stock phrase such as "OH and I will let you know when to visit and we expect that our family will respect our wishes" and rinse and repeat.
Good luck.

2minsofyourtime · 04/11/2014 11:01

You won't want your bf's mum there, that'd be weird.

Really no where in the op did the op say she dislike her bf mum? Where did you get this assumption from?

springydaffs · 04/11/2014 11:01

Once again baffled at posters making sense of an OP I find confusing... (your mum was 17 at the time? the time of what? Your grandma and dad were upset - grandma? dad? real dad, adopted dad? Sorry, confusing for me).

Sounds like she's an axe to grind and she's muscling in on something that isn't technically her place. That would be you. Did she go on to have children after the adoption? If not, looks like she wants to be a surrogate parent to you.

How about talking to her about it. Instead of doing that british morse code thing. Sounds like she's not exactly sensitive to hints so perhaps spelling it out, kindly, could shed some light on what is going on here.

Mind boggling at 'what she wears' wonders if my kids feel the same

AnniDollxox · 04/11/2014 11:01

Thank you, my boyfriend is my birth partner this time, I don't want her to come to the hospital this time, with DD she was in and sitting on my bed half an hour after I had her, my dad didn't get to hold DD before she did and that has always upset him.
As for the gifts, the last time I said I already had one (Moses basket) she hung up the phone then called my other auntie saying I was ungrateful and that I obv thought her stuff wasn't good enough... It's awful, I try to talk to her but she doesn't listen then turns it around that I don't know what she has been through, she blames all her problems on everyone else! I do love her, she used to be my favourite person when I was a kid but as iv grown up iv seen that she has a lot of problems

OP posts:

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 04/11/2014 11:02

Her Mum was 17 when she had to give her baby up.

AnniDollxox · 04/11/2014 11:02

Haha for all intents and purposes lol it's always real mum and dad lol

OP posts:

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 04/11/2014 11:03

Just let her hang up the phone. That's her choice. DO NOT take any gifts now. No more. She will think it gives her power over you and a say in things.

AnniDollxox · 04/11/2014 11:09

At springydaff, my mum was 17 when my aunt asked her to adopt the child she had to give up. Adoptive parents grandparents etc. I never knew my birth mother.
I do try to talk to her but as I said above she makes out like I am ungrateful and a horrible person for ever saying that she needs to calm it down a bit. :(

My mum was 28 when she adopted me :) my "mum and dad" waited 8 years for me to come along :)

OP posts:

springydaffs · 04/11/2014 11:10

Dear god, whose mum was 17 etc.

I realise this may be me re the confusion front [completely ]

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 04/11/2014 11:11

The OPs Mum!

springydaffs · 04/11/2014 11:14

x-post. Sorry OP, my fault. The fog is lifting somewhat...

SO, your aunt asked your mum to adopt the baby your aunt was having to give up for adoption? But your mum was only 17 at the time (your aunt was 16 at the time)? Is that right?

Please explain what you mean about the clothes (shallow) (of me)

AnniDollxox · 04/11/2014 11:16

Oh and springydaff the "embarrassed of what she wears" is because she is a larger lady and she wears leggins with monsters on them or the muppets on them, men's t-shirts with gangsters on them or cartoons and bright pink, green and yellow trainers. I just wish she would tone it down a bit, it's always neon and bright. Especially when she wears neon leggins to funerals! There is no need

OP posts:

AnniDollxox · 04/11/2014 11:18

Yes that is what happened, my mum said no and my aunt now hates her because of that. Glad we have cleared this up

OP posts:

springydaffs · 04/11/2014 11:21

oh dear. re the clothes.

Mind, I wear a lot of neon but 1. it#s fashionable 2. I'm fashionable 3. bright comes to the fore as you get older.

I don't wear monsters though.

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AnniDollxox · 04/11/2014 11:24

Yeah... If she just toned it down a little it would be great!

OP posts:

ButEmilylovedhim · 04/11/2014 11:27

How could a 17 year old adopt a baby? I mean, would that even be allowed? I feel for you, op. Sounds like a very difficult situation. I think you should put some boundaries in place and then if she huffs off, well, she does.

VenusRising · 04/11/2014 11:28

Annidollxox, could it be your aunty is bipolar. She sounds very like someone I know who is. Poor boundaries, bankrupt multiple times, upheavals, drama.

Obviously she's projecting her feelings about her child on you, but you are not her child, you are your mums and dads child so really that relationship interpretation is all in her mind.

Now, you need to let everyone know that you're having difficulties with her being overbearing, and that you'd like her to step away a bit.

You need to do damage control and ring everyone and explain how you feel about the situation. It's a pita to have to do it, but unless you want everyone believing the stuff she's coming out with, you've got to do it.

Tell your aunty you're due a week after you actually are, and ask everyone you want there not to let her know you've gone in to the hospital. I agree with clawhands, you need to ask the staff in the hospital before you give birth to screen her off, so she can't get in. It's for your own peace of mind. Talk with your midwife.

Wrt accepting gifts etc, just repeat, "you're very good to think of us, but we have everything from last time, so we don't need anything" and keep repeating.

I hope you have a lovely birth, and wish you and your dp all the best. Let us know how you got on

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