Advanced search ask 25yo DSS to make a contribution to household while working and living at home?

(128 Posts)
NappyValleyMum Tue 04-Nov-14 08:47:22

DSS is 25 and was working abroad for a few years. He left a great job when his relationship broke down and moved back to England and to home. He has lived rent-free for 4 months while he was job-hunting. HE has now found a great job and after tax and pension, he will have just over £2000/month in his pocket. DH and I are currently unemployed. We own our own home, have a school aged child at home and have monthly outgoings of a few thousand per month which are coming out of savings. I am at the point where I am not doing the middle class things that I have in the past felt entitled to because I don't know how long I will have to make the money last. While DH and I want DSS to save money to move out, I know he will be enjoying himself socially and I know that will p* me off when I am depriving myself of that (and indirectly subsidising his disposable income.) DH doesn't want to charge.

AIBU to ask DSS to contribute £600/month (or maybe £500?) towards the household? We already rent a room for £600/month (which restricts lodger to the use of that room, no food is included) so £600/month for DSS seemed fair when considering he is in the whole house, gets his food, utilities and is on the insurance for the use of a car. Of course, I don't see this as rent any more than I see my own drawdown on savings as rent. I see it as a contribution and will still expect that he take the garbage out, empty the dishwasher, etc in the same way that DH and I do.

I have to say...even if we weren't currently unemployed, I still feel it's important for an adult living with parents to make a contribution of sorts to the parental household.


BlueberryWafer Tue 04-Nov-14 08:49:14

Yanbu. He is 25 - there is no way he should be living rent free in your home!

HowsTheSerenity Tue 04-Nov-14 08:49:50

He is 25!
He pays or moves out.
At that age he should be doing every single thing himself.
Make him do chores, cook, contribute etc.

Graendal Tue 04-Nov-14 08:50:35

"where I am not doing the middle class things that I have in the past felt entitled to"


Yanbu to ask an adult living in your household for a contribution to living costs.

The fuck are 'middle class things'?!

Perfectlypurple Tue 04-Nov-14 08:51:12

Yanbu. He is old enough to pay his way, even if you had loads of money. I think £500-£600 is reasonable considering his income. You will also be doing him a favour so he realises the cost of living.

ScarletFever Tue 04-Nov-14 08:52:12

off thread but ....." outgoings of a few thousand a month " wow! what are you doing that costs so much? and how are you paying it if you are both unemployed,...?

back to thread, of course he should be contributing - however if you make him pay the same as the other renter, you will be in danger of him saying, well XX doesnt have to take out the rubbish etc, so you probably need to lay all the cards out straight away ie: food etc (like you have put above)

I had to pay 'rent' from my JS allowance 20years ago while living at home, he needs to make some financial contribution!!

SlinkyB Tue 04-Nov-14 08:52:52

Yanbu! He's 25 fgs. My Mum took 1/3 of all my wages for rent and bills when I lived at home...and I was 14 and working p-t in a chippy after school and on weekends!

Oh, and as you own your home, I'm guessing he'll inherit it when you pass?

ScarletFever Tue 04-Nov-14 08:53:28

(you know, apart from the gender/age of the child - I would be asking if you are in fact Shona Sibery!?!!?)

carlsonrichards Tue 04-Nov-14 08:55:14

FFS. He needs to pay £1000/mo. Car insurance, all bills, rent, food. Why e hell are you subbing him.

Greenrememberedhills Tue 04-Nov-14 08:55:44

A contribution is quite fair. I suppose I might ask for a lower one. Certainly cover all food and actual costs of him being there.

WooWooOwl Tue 04-Nov-14 08:56:08

I think considering he will still be expected to contribute to the household in terms of taking the rubbish out etc, and that he's a son, not a lodger, you should be charging him £400- 500 a month.

£600 a month seems a lot to me to rent a room, but I don't know what area you're in.

Adults should absolutely pay their own way in life, including accommodation expenses. Why does your DH think otherwise? Is there some kind of history that makes your dh feel like he owes his ds or something?

RandomMess Tue 04-Nov-14 08:58:51

YANBU so long as it's less than the going rate around you (which it appears to be). Yes he needs to learn the cost of living - probably the biggest spur to get him to move out wink

NappyValleyMum Tue 04-Nov-14 08:59:10

Don't know who Shona Sibery is but can tell you I am not her (him?)

"Middle class things" -- basically going out to things that cost a bit more than an Orange Wednesday film! Or a girls' weekend away :-) I also like the odd everyclass thing like a quarterly pedi!!!

Thousands of outgoings: mortgage (ok, so bank owns part of house :-) ), school fees, utilities..nuff said I think. We are living off savings right now and a few small bits and pieces (eg lodger, insurance policy).

Greenrememberedhills Tue 04-Nov-14 09:08:19

Yes I think £400-450 is fair. £450 would average £100 a week, which is a reasonable sum.

Chunderella Tue 04-Nov-14 09:13:36

If OP is able to charge a lodger £600 a month for bedroom use only and no food, I think it's fair to say they're in one of the more expensive areas of the country. There are a huge number of places where that just wouldn't fly. The fact that DS has found a well paid job quite quickly would also indicate that, as most of the dearest areas are dear partially because of proximity to job markets. So I'm going to guess at either some particularly scenic village in the commuter belt, or a nice part of London.

So no OP, yanbu. It's lovely when adult DC can be enabled to stay for free or very cheap so they can save, but you don't have that option right now. If he were studying or unemployed it might be different, but as he's earning a good wage he can manage a quarter of that for his keep. It works for both of you, because he'd have to pay a lot more if he were living elsewhere, but he'd probably still be paying you a bit more than he costs- unless you would be renting his room if he weren't in it, in which case you might have to charge a bit more.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 Tue 04-Nov-14 09:15:18

YANBU to ask for a contribution, but I think £600 is too much if you also want him to save up and move out. £400 would be more reasonable.

An I the only one who imagines the poor lodger, paying £600 to literally live like a prisoner in his room We already rent a room for £600/month (which restricts lodger to the use of that room, restricted to only that room confused

carlsonrichards Tue 04-Nov-14 09:15:50

He is getting room, food, utilities, council tax AND car insurance/use of a car. £1000/month. That still leaves over £1000/ month to save, go out, etc.

avocadotoast Tue 04-Nov-14 09:17:14

I don't think you even need to ask this; I think it's clear you already know the answer from everything you've explained.

If he's earning £2k a month then £600 is more than reasonable. If he doesn't like it then he can move out, simple as. I'm always amazed that the adult children in these situations don't offer board - I'd feel terrible living with my parents and not contributing.

Oh, and I'd probably say he needs to chip in extra for being on the car insurance tbh. If your premiums would be lower without him being on it, charge him the difference.

Standinginline Tue 04-Nov-14 09:18:57

Definitely, especially since he's found such a well paid job now. Tbh he should be offered. My partners son is 18 and lives with his grandparents, they only asked for a small fee but because he's working he always pays more than expected to.

whois Tue 04-Nov-14 09:19:57

He's 25 and earning a good wage. £600 is a very cheap price to charge him for rent, food and car!

Snapespotions Tue 04-Nov-14 09:21:21

I'm normally in the "don't charge them rent if you don't need to" camp, but given that you're both unemployed, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a contribution.

Chunderella Tue 04-Nov-14 09:30:34

I envisaged use of an ensuite bathroom too penelope and perhaps a microwave. If OP lives in London, it's not particularly unusual for young people renting rooms not to have access to a proper kitchen.

magpiegin Tue 04-Nov-14 09:36:34

I agree £600 is a bargain for room, bills, car and food. You shouldn't be subbing him.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 Tue 04-Nov-14 09:37:21

Chunderella, it is the term 'restricted' that I struggle with. It is giving me this image of someone standing guard at the bedroom door, not letting him out into the main house. All the lodgers I have known have been allowed into the kitchen and sometimes the living room. Perhaps times are changing now though, and stuck in a bedroom is all you get for your money.

flowery Tue 04-Nov-14 09:43:17

If he is 25 and has a great job, why isn't he moving out anyway? Perhaps it's just me, but no way would I have wanted to stay living with parents at that age unless absolutely necessary.

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