Am i overstepping the mark?(21 Posts)
I recently invited an old friend to join myself and a group of my friends for drinks this evening. She only knows a few of them having met them once or twice before and the others she hadnt met. I must say i was quite embarrassed by her behaviour. Constant sexual references which actually came across quite vulgar rather than funny. Icing on the cake was a story she told about sleeping with recent ex in a restaurant with every risk of getting caught. I was horrified. She has been going on lots of one-off dates with men she has met online and has been sleeping with them. Tales of things she does during sex. I am concerned about her but also angry as i feel she showed me up. Do i confront her about this when i see her alone next week? I am terrified she will do this at my wedding (next spring) and quite simply very concerned that she is putting herself at risk, emotionally and physically. I am concerned that this is bravado covering up low self esteem but she is ultimately selling herself very short and i dont think a good friend should say nothing. Would be interested to hear peoples thoughts. We are 29 years old to add context.
Wow, what a difficult situation to be in. If you try speaking to your friend, she may think you are not talking to her from concern, but out of jealousy iykwim.
I think your friend is on a very disturbing path and may have some MH issues.
You can try speaking to her, but if she doesn't change her behavior, you may have to forget to post her invitation to your wedding in the spring.
I hope your friend gets sorted out soon. She definitely has a problem. Good luck and I would have been mortified and pissed at her behavior.
I am concerned about her
You're not, you're concerned about yourself.
I am terrified she will do this at my wedding (next spring)
I think your friend is on a very disturbing path and may have some MH issues.
That is an outrageous thing to say based on the OP.
What's her history? Has she always been sexually confident and comfortable with having multiple partners? If not, then perhaps this is a self esteem issue.
To me, her behaviour also suggests she's just not very mature or socially aware. Was she drunk?
I'd say something along the lines of a couple of my friends asked if you were drunk because you kept talking about sex.
Ha! I second Rooty; if she somehow embarrassed you and/or your friends, or was excessively gauche, then tell her. Please don't pretend you're 'worried about her' though! Maybe she's just having a brilliant time? Who are you to judge her?
Also, suggesting her promiscuity is something to do with mental health is outrageous. That's what patriarchal Victorian moralists did to control women. You're better than that, surely?
OP - I think the only person she showed up was herself. It won't have reflected on you, especially not if the others there are your friends who know you.
Also, what was the general conversation about? If everyone else was talking about partners, your wedding, etc. then maybe she felt left out.
Indeed Babycham - you'd think doctors were still performing lobotomies as a cure for promiscuity or hysteria. Disgusting attitude in this day and age.
29 year old has a couple of one night stands
In other news, pope catholic, bear shits in woods
<massive eye roll>
This is a very po faced post OP
Well I think yanbu, it was inappropriate of her to talk about it around people she barely knows. And yes it would be embarrassing for her to behave like this at any event especially a wedding. I do think you should tell her that she made you feel uncomfortable.
She can tell her
cheap shagging stories to her type of friends who would want to hear this sort of stuff.
In agreement with Rooty, there.
Comparing promiscuity with MH is horribly ill informed and insensitive!
Thanks for the replies. Exactly where did i make any assumption about MH link? Ladyluck that is how i feel. Honestly some of the comments she came out with were unbelievable and have actually repulsed me. i am no prude she acted like she was totally obsessed with sex. It was as if she was on a quest to imply that she was some sex goddess and the couple of things she said which i felt put me down and impiled that i am somehow boring and a bit uptight now. She made a comment about how i didnt always dress modestly (meaning that when we were 17 etc and starting to go out) when in fact i never did - confirmed by my mum ha! I just felt like she was a bit snidey. Also comments about how i dont "show off my boobs enough" - give me strength. Ultimately it was the exhibitionism and narcisism in front of my mates which i hated. Made her look like an idiot. She will of course act totally normal when i see her next week.
It sounds like perhaps her comments were ill timed and mis guided in this situation, but perhaps she was feeling nervous meeting new people, drank a bit too much and got carried away thinking she was being funny? I recently left a work place where there were constant references to sex, innuendos and showing of pictures in the office. It made me feel uncomfortable and I thought it was inappropriate, but there are clearly people out there who even at 29 (and much older) find this kind of talk funny, so hopefully she just misjudged the situation. Have a quiet word and don't worry about your wedding, the way she behaves is only a reflection on her and not you.
Yanbu to have a conversation about her choice of dinner topic. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then ask her to tone it down.
Yabu if you are suggesting that her having multiple partners makes her cheap in some way. I think at 29 you make your own decisions about who you want to sleep with.
I don't know your friend or her situation, but her behaviour does sound a lot like mine when I was struggling with MH issues and had hardly any social awareness.
But of course it is perfectly possible to have lots of sex and not have mental health issues!!
Perhaps she was nervous, perhaps she is struggling or perhaps she just doesn't care.
You don't sound like you care for her very much, so perhaps giving this 'friendship' a break is what's best for both of you.
I wouldn't invite her out with your friends anymore, and if you want to see her, just do it on your own.
There's always someone drunk and stupid at weddings, I wouldn't worry about that. It will only be herself she shows up if she does it again, it won't reflect on you.
Personally, I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who talked like that.
Ultimately it was the exhibitionism and narcisism in front of my mates which i hated. Made her look like an idiot.
This sentence tells you everything you need to know. You don't want to be her friend anymore.
I couldn't IMAGINE saying something like this about one of my friends because my friends are very selectively made....I never mix with women who I'd feel so negatively about and I suggest you do the same.
Yes it's embarrassing when someone misjudges tone. No you shouldn't "confront" her.
My friend was in a relationship from 16-32 until her husband walked out. She went a bit ott with one night stands, partially because she was heartbroken but mainly because she wanted no-strings sex - she didn't stop being a physical person because she wasn't in a relationship. One of her well meaning (recently married) friends gave her a lecture on how she should value herself more. It made for an amusing annecdote but that's all it achieved.
You're getting married. She isn't. She doesn't have to live her life by your standards.
I have a few friends who pay homage to Carrie and Samantha over lunches - as they are my friends, you are likely to find me saying 'no one needs to know that you daft cow!' I do have a friend who is quite socially awkward in that she overshares when she is nervous - one notable occasion saw her waffling on about an infected ingrowing hair on her vulva whilst having coffee with me and my MIL. Is your friend perhaps someone who feels as though she has to 'perform' to make strangers like her? Its not too difficult to help with that. I do think that your opening post reads more about her reflecting badly on you rather than being concerned about her.
Seems like she was uncomfortable in your other friends company and got verbal diarrhoea. She must have felt inadequate for whatever reason so started putting you down to make herself feel better.
Like Claw though, I am not "friends" with anyone who I would feel and talk so negatively about or who in turn would put me down like that. I think you should listen to Cundtbake and back away from this "friendship".
OP in all seriousness, say something. Give your friend a chance to decide whether she wants to spend time with you.
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