To tell my sister it's time for her to leave?(9 Posts)
Most of you probably think IABU but here goes anyway...
My sister is 16 years old, she has lived with us in a kinship care arrangement since June 2013.
She moved in after making allegations about sexual abuse from her father.
We have recently had an her admit that this was untrue (luckily police found no evidence and no charges were made, never taken to court).
Over the last 3 days we have found out that she has also lied about various other things:
She claimed her mum was dying - mum is perfectly well
She stole prescription pills from a friend and took them to her work training placement as an excuse for always being late/absent (saying they make her drowsy) - (we know she hasn't taken any of the pills which is a relief)
She told us she had been given time off work to go on holiday - she hadn't
She told us she has been to CAMHS and has been told by the psychologist there that she has a cognitive processing disorder which causes her to confuse fantasy and reality. I confirmed with CAMHS this morning that she had never even been and that none of this is true.
Before all of these there have also been lies about various medical conditions, pregnancies, miscarriages the list goes on.
On paper she is the perfect teen, she has a work placement, earns her own money, she has good friends, comes home on time, eats well, does various activities, very rarely has a drink (only at celebrations, and even then does not get drunk) she is not involved with drugs, and doesn't have a boyfriend.
But these lies are destroying us.
My OHs sister was horribly abused by her step dad, my sisters lies have brought all of this back up for them. I suffered several miscarriages while TTC, my sisters announcement of miscarriage came after I lost a baby at the start of the 2nd trimester.
My own oldest is 6 and has aspergers, he takes all of his social cues from the things around him. My sister causes scenes by shouting/arguing about said lies, my son thinks this is how people are supposed to behave.
I have done all I can to help her. I have had the arguments, I have had the long heart-felt conversations, I have explained the consequences of her actions, she does not care, she shows no remorse.
She has refused help from CAMHS, and has been discharged by them.
I cannot do any more for her.
We are in Scotland and she is old enough to take on her own tenancy here, I do not believe that she is ready to do so, but she has connections to a whole team of social workers who can assist her.
She is affecting my whole family, and has caused me more stress and grief than I can begin to explain.
AIBU to tell her it's time to go?
YANBU. Very sad for her but you've tried to help. You have to put your children and your own health and happiness first now.
Ya but I agree with the above poster. You've given it a decent go but she can sort her own tenancy now and you need to look after your family.
You've tried to help her. Now you have to protect yourself and the rest of the family. You will do her no favours by enabling her behaviour to continue. She has to take responsibility for herself.
She may only be 16, but she is old enough to take responsibility for herself and got her actions.
Have you tried pointing out the above and stating that if it continues you will be ensuring she makes a swift transition into life alone?
Could you take it if you gave her one more chance and it blew up in your face and you then evicted her? If no, then now is the time to say good bye, if yes, then maybe give her one last chance? (I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable if no is the answer)
That said, she is a big girl, she can look after herself, I was responsible for myself at that age and personally think I've done a damn good job of it considering the circumstance, so don't feel bad about putting her out on her arse- she can make it work if she chooses to. Many others do.
Could u speak to her social worker about placing her in assisted living?
Thanks for all of your replies. This was already her last chance AmIAHypocritic, I can't take anymore. Purplepoodle I think it is most likely that is what they will offer her, will be discussing options with SW tomorrow.
Get her out, your children have to come first. For the sake of your family she needs to leave, if only because it's only a matter of time before she starts making up lies against you or your other half.
Compulsive liars don't stop lying because someone tells them it's wrong. She's a danger to anyone who comes into contact with her. Mud sticks, reputations are ruined and if she lies about your oh as she did her own father (why haven't you told the police she admitted she lied?) then your whole family will be turned upside down, may have to leave the home until social workers are convinced of his innocence.
Tell the police she admitted to lying about her father, she needs to be held to account, prosecution might knock some sense into her. At the very least, it will alert the police to view all future allegations from her with suspicion. Her future victims deserve that.
Join the discussion
Please login first.