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Inlaw issues - AIBU

(15 Posts)
isabella1988 Mon 03-Nov-14 15:58:55

Hi All,

I'll try to not drip feed. I am heavily pregnant and due to have a c section tomorrow. I'm very nervous and today just wanted a day at home with DH to relax before baby.

I do not like my inlaws - as in BIL, SIL, MIL. Dislike is a mild term for my feelings for them, I have no time for any of them at all. I dont show this, as they are my DH family, and as such I show them respect out of respect for him, but lets just say their visits are not the highlight of my day.

BIL has problems with drugs. One particular class A drug in particular. I do not like him being around my children, and he is never allowed around them alone anyway. MIL is ignorant to his issues, although his constant demands for money, never has even the basics for his own children and seems to expect her to run around after him go un noticed. His GF is someone I know, and she also has a drug problem. I refuse to associate with her, as she also has a drug problem, didnt think twice about drinking heavily and smoking cannabis whilst pregnant last year. They are not the type of people I want around my children. Neither work or have any intention of.

SIL - whilst the better of a bad lot, is hard to put up with. Very attention seeking, anything your kids achieve, hers have done, better, quicker, etc you get the jist. If out for a meal, never pays for herself, and is very self centered.

MIL - due to DH looking the spitting image of his dad who walked out when he was 14, treats DH like crap. Will go weeks without even calling to see how him and the kids are, ignores birthdays and xmases, despite spending hundreds on the other grandkids. Never invites him or our kids to functions (i dont go, always manage an excuse so not that). Behaved awfully during our wedding (turned up in jeans, spent the day slagging me off to DHs ex when she turned up, and my family). So there is background as to why I think they are all toxic.

A few months ago, BILs GF grabbed my son, screamed swear words in his face and dragged him all over MILS conservatory, until I stepped in. I went beserk, and was about to call the Police, until MIL begged me not to. To this day I havent spoken to BIL, his GF etc. Then when the news of my pregnancy broke, she started saying vile things about how I should terminate etc. MIL did nothing despite it being said in her house, and then accused myself and my husband of being foul about DH nephew. So we ignored them, cut them out. No contact for months now. Today she rings and tries to make amends. I say tried, as there was no apology, no remorse, just thinks shes done enough by asking how we are. DH spoke to her, was quite friendly and forthcoming with information about the kids and my pregnancy - all stuff I dont want them knowing.

I dont want any of them around the baby or the kids, or me, or at the house. BUT DH seems willing to forget all about it, and just sweep their disgusting behaviour under the carpet.

AIBU - with putting my swollen pregnant foot down, and saying, he can do what he likes in regards to contacting them, but not to come running to me when they continue to treat him like shit. Also they are not allowed to the house or around the kids, and whatever he does with them I don't want to know about? Or seeing as its family, do I do as he suggests and just suck it up. I'm not happy for my kids to be picked up and then dropped and ignored at their whim and feel they bring nothing but stress to our lives.

Oldraver Mon 03-Nov-14 16:13:15


In your shoes I would make it very clear to DH your last paragraph. Do you have someone to look after your DC tomorrow or are you worried with you out the way he will relent ?

kissmethere Mon 03-Nov-14 16:23:47

Yanbu they sound awful.

Put your foot down. I doubt you'll regret it. After he did that to your son I'd say you fear for his safety and you're protecting him.
These people need to learn your boundaries.
Congrats on your new baby.

Ohfourfoxache Mon 03-Nov-14 17:24:58

Yanbu at all.

It's ridiculous that your DH wants subject the dc to this sort of behaviour.

Keep them as far away as you can possibly manage - they sound not only toxic but dangerous thanks

Chottie Mon 03-Nov-14 17:53:23

They sound just awful, I would not want the stress of these people in my life or my family's life either. Congratulations on your new baby smile

Nanny0gg Mon 03-Nov-14 17:58:02

Also they are not allowed to the house or around the kids,

^^ This, and stick to it. They are beyond vile and he needs to see that a little more clearly.

Good luck with your new baby!

mineallmine Mon 03-Nov-14 18:00:18

I'd have nothing to do with them after what happened with your son. They shouldn't get a second chance to fuck up with your children. Your DH is a grown man and can make decisions for himself but you can decide what level of contact -none!- that you want for you and your children. I'd include in that that any phone calls are to DH's mobile, not your house phone. They sound vile.

hamptoncourt Mon 03-Nov-14 19:43:30


Unfortunately you cannot stop DH seeing them but I agree with PP about saying they should call his mobile. Make sure you have caller display and do not answer the phone to any of them, and make it clear they are to have no contact with your DC.

I would be pointing out to DH that what with the violence and the drug habits they should not be around DC at all. If he won't accept this maybe you need to re evaluate the whole relationship? What sort of father would expose his children to this?

Good luck thanks

ColdCottage Mon 03-Nov-14 19:51:57


Meerka Mon 03-Nov-14 19:58:18


Your BIL's gf assaulted your son. Under no circumstances should you allow your children to be around them, nor should your husband.

I think you have quite a bit of work to do to slowly encourage your husband to see just how awful they are. "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward might very well be worth a read.

Definitely put your highly pregnant foot down here and keep it down, preg or not.

Firbolg Mon 03-Nov-14 20:08:52

I'd go further than other posters and make it plain that I would consider leaving someone who thought that it was ok for his drug addict brother's drug addict girlfriend to assault your son. It would alarm me considerably that he wants to sweep an assault on a child, which his mother aided and abetted by forcing a witness not to call 999, under the carpet. Is his sense of normality so thoroughly deranged that he thinks 'family feeling' is more important than the safety of his own child, and is happy to make social chitchat rather than hold his family accountable?

cookiefiend Mon 03-Nov-14 20:33:45

Oh my goodness. You have a responsibility to protect your children from these people.


Your DH has been treated like this all his life and thinks it is acceptable, you must break the cycle ane show your children it is never acceptable to allow someone to treat them like that.

isabella1988 Mon 03-Nov-14 22:13:38

I'm more annoyed the way I've been made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong. I've sat and explained how I feel to my husband - he agrees with me, but is dragged back in and made to feel responsible for them due to his dad walking out. I honestly believe the only reason she has been in contact is that friends and family have been asking about the baby, and she has been unable to answer, and it is making her look bad.

I am going to stand my ground with them and the kids, and have changed my mobile number and put caller ID on the house phone. I have also made it very clear they are not welcome here. My kids come before twisted family politics. I cannot see my husband making too much effort to stay in contact with them, but I feel it will be a situation if I say I'm unhappy with him talking to them, it will make him do it more. So saying to him, do what you want, just dont involve me and the kids, will sort that.

From what I've been hearing the Police and Social Services are around BILs a lot anyway as he and his partner keep arguing, and the Police smelled Cannabis upon entering the house. She is also pregnant again. I have said there is no way in hell I am allowing us to be associated with that kind of mess, and he needs to stay away from the lot of them.

I wouldn't upset my DH for the world normally, we have a strong marriage, and rarely disagree on anything. The only thing we argue over is his family. He hates his brother, but would keep the peace for his Mum. His Mum is just as toxic though.

I am going to try and forget this whole incident, and concentrate on our new baby and recovering from my c section. I've made my point, and I'm damned if I'm letting them ruin this time for us.

Thank you everyone.

mineallmine Mon 03-Nov-14 23:07:20

Make sure you tell the hospital that you don't want visitors- the last thing you want is them showing up after the baby is born.

You sound very sorted- keep strong.

Best of luck with your new arrival.

Only1scoop Mon 03-Nov-14 23:12:11

Yanbu ....even without all this dramatic background just to say no are having a baby tmrw concentrate on you and dc and ban the lot of them.

I wouldn't want them around my dc either.

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