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Dumped after 10 years

(27 Posts)
chillyourboots Mon 03-Nov-14 15:53:08

Hope you don't mind me posting here for traffic... Sorry in advance...

Background.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, lots of ups and downs.
But generally happy, do lots together, go away for weekends, out for days.

So weekend was crap, we argued lots, and she was in pub most of weekend, her way out when things get tough.

I rang her yesterday and she obviously thought she had cut me off but infact she had answered.
She was in the pub and I heard her say to people she was in the pub with

'how can I tell her I dont love her number and I don't want to be with her'

Gutted is not the word.

She come in an hour or so later, said she didn't love me anymore, hadn't for a couple of years, we both cried.

Thought things maybe abit different today, but it's not.

Contract onrented flat runs out in afew months.

I have no where to go, no savings and not enough money to rent a studio even in a poor area.
I have a good job and get ok wages.

I'm screwed!!!

chillyourboots Mon 03-Nov-14 15:55:22

Even with my ok wages, just can't afford to live anywhere...

Been with her all my adult life.

Can not imagine my life without her, she's my world, my everything.

What the hell am I gonna do

Thehedgehogsong Mon 03-Nov-14 15:57:29

You're going to be sad and mourn the relationship for a few days/weeks and then get a grip (gently meant) and sort something out for yourself. Take time to come to terms with the fact it's over, then start formulating a plan.

MollyHooper Mon 03-Nov-14 16:01:07

I'm so sorry, what an awful shock.

Do you have any friends or family you can go to stay with for some support?

championnibbler Mon 03-Nov-14 16:34:44

sorry to read this.
it sounds like she has made up her mind, unfortunately.
I know a female who was dumped by her boyfriend after 13 years. He owns the house so she's had to move back in with her mother.
Do you have any family or friends that you could crash with, until you get back on your feet?
Could you consider a house or a flat share? that way, you could split the costs of renting a home with some others.

chillyourboots Mon 03-Nov-14 16:38:59

Haven't got any friends or family I could stay with

TheWitTank Mon 03-Nov-14 16:46:17

So sorry, what a terrible shock.

Can you find a flat share? Have a look at adverts online.

AlbaGuBrath Mon 03-Nov-14 16:47:56

What about a flat share?

Have you looked into whether you would be entitled to any tax credits, housing benefit etc?

chillyourboots Mon 03-Nov-14 16:49:05

Wouldn't be entitled to anything....

A flat share, i have so much stuff, and really couldn't afford storage.

cherrybombxo Mon 03-Nov-14 16:51:14

You'll need to look at selling stuff then as a flatshare is pretty much your only option. If DP and I ended things tomorrow I'd have to leave his flat and go back to flatshares, sadly.

It's just how it is if you can't afford your own place. Look at how you can offload some stuff.

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up, ten years is a long time sad

AlbaGuBrath Mon 03-Nov-14 16:53:33

Do you have a lot of debt or something that you are having to pay off? Or do you live in a really expensive area?

You need to be realistic and make a plan, do you have anyone that could store some of your furniture etc? You could search for an unfurnished flat or keep on your existing flat when the lease ends and advertise for a flatmate so that you could use your furniture in the flat share instead of entering into an existing flat share?

championnibbler Mon 03-Nov-14 16:55:33

as you have a few months left on your current lease, you could use that time to find a suitable flat share and also to pare down your stuff so you don't have to put it into storage.
you could look at e-bay or similar for selling non-essentials. charity shops would be happy to take any decent stuff that you no longer want.
the rest you could take with you. most flat/house shares are usually in want of extra bits and bobs such as household goods, small furniture etc.

TheWitTank Mon 03-Nov-14 16:55:36

Agree you need to do what's necessary and scale down your belongings. Having a good clear out is therapeutic and will hopefully raise you some funds for deposits etc. Sounds like a share is the way to go. I know it all seems a bit bleak right now, but you will get there, promise.

WooWooOwl Mon 03-Nov-14 17:02:50

Is there a reason why you're assuming that you have to be the one to leave your home? Why can't she leave and let you stay?

championnibbler Mon 03-Nov-14 17:06:34

yes - i agree with WitTank. nothing beats a good clear out.
not trying to gloss over your situation. i was in a similar situation about 8 years ago and i thought my heart was going to break in two.
plus, like you, i was suddenly back out there on my own after a LTR, which frightened me very much. i survived just fine and it turned out to be for the best.
baby steps for the next few weeks while you come to terms with the break up.
you will be fine - be kind to yourself but just start to make the beginnings of a plan.

chillyourboots Mon 03-Nov-14 17:51:52

Hardest thing is going to be having to share the same flat for afew months...

How am I going to start to get over her while we still live together

Fluffyears Mon 03-Nov-14 18:24:38

Chilly you probably won't until you sort out the future. I had my heart broken by someone I worked with and having to see him every day hurt like hell. Once I moved on it was easier.

Purplepoodle Mon 03-Nov-14 18:29:36

Cm you lay some figures out? Your average weekly wage, outgoings, what rentals in your area go for? If she wants to end it then she should move out ASAP

MagicMojito Mon 03-Nov-14 18:52:40

So sorry to hear this OP, it must be awful for you sad

All I can say is you will get through this. It's going to be hard and heartbreaking, but you'll be ok flowers

AnyFawker Mon 03-Nov-14 18:55:36

Well, it's shit, but I wouldn't fancy the alternative which is to cling on to someone who doesn't want you and watch their respect for you drain away on an hourly basis

Cut your losses love, take a financial hit and find a flat/house share

All we have that is ours really is our self respect, and that is priceless

chillyourboots Mon 03-Nov-14 19:00:19

anyfawker
True, but made me cry

AnyFawker Mon 03-Nov-14 19:05:29

Aww, I am sorry thanks

Come on now love, you can't hang on where you not wanted. It's soul destroying, and self esteem sapping. Take control of your future now and walk away with your head held high.

Maybe she will realise what she is missing when she sees you getting on with it. Maybe she won't. Maybe she will but you will no longer want her. Whatever the outcome, taking control is what will get you through this.

chopinbabe Mon 03-Nov-14 20:20:15

All I can say is that I was dumped by someone that I thought I couldn't live without. I was with him for five years and he met someone else who he told me that he couldn't live without. I moved out of our flat and into a grotty bedsit, where I thought of nothing else except him.

It was hell for over a year but now, many years on, I can honestly say that if I recall him once a month, that's as much as it is. I found love again and now live in an enviable home with my DH. At the time, though, I developed panic attacks and made myself ill.

I guess I just want to say that this very real pain of yours will eventually fade although I know that probably seems impossible to you now. Just make it through one day at a time: this isn't the end of your story.

Greengrow Mon 03-Nov-14 20:24:51

Could you move to a cheaper area and as people say flat share? Also some companies specialise in vacant commercial buildings you can stay in at cheap rates as a kind of care taker which may be worth looking at.

chillyourboots Mon 03-Nov-14 23:07:51

I couldn't live in a commercial building. I would be to scared sad sad

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