My eldest DD is 19 and a goth (ish). For a few years now I've been having to constantly ask, no TELL her to wash herself, her hair, her teeth, everything.
Her bedroom (which her younger sister has to share with her) is a s@#t hole and if I ask her to tidy it I'm 'pissing her off' so she just goes out. Her clothes are all washed for her when she bothers to pick them off of her floor and put them in the washing pile. I've stopped ironing them as they just end up on the floor in a heap and mixed with the dirty stuff!
TBH I'm at my wits end with her now. She smokes, drinks, swears all the time and doesn't want to work. She's currently on another college course that's solely a way of not working, when she has enough qualifications to get a well paid job in the sector she originally trained for.
Her 'friends' are much the same. They are playing the system - most have got themselves into care so that the local authority will give them money hand over fist (which they do). She's talked about going to see one of these hostels and putting her name down for a room. Part of me wants her to go so she'll grow up and realise how much is done for her at home, but I'm torn as I don't want her ending up like the others - basically sitting on their backsides drinking all day and doing nothing except picking up their JSA once a fortnight.
The reason I'm posting this today is because she's sat ALL day playing games on the computer and I've asked her maybe a dozen times to do her room and have a wash. Simple house rules, but rather than comply she's walked out again to go and hang around the park.
Any advice?
AIBU?
To expect my teenager to WASH???!!!!
mimidl · 02/11/2014 16:38
I thought being a Goth was a fashion thing - hadn't realised it included poor hygiene 
She is an adult - stop doing chores for her if she won't contribute.
If sharing with her sister is the only choice, then divide up the room as best you can & dump anything that strays over the line into the bin her half. Sister can do the dumping as it's her room too.
Nagging her to improve won't help.
I'd let her move out & sink or swim - most likely she'll be fine & will eventually see sense.
Thank you all so much for replying! I do know she's playing me, the problem is that if I tell her to leave she'll go and tell my Mum who in turn will be on my case telling me what an awful mother I am (nothing new!), how sorry she is for her and pandering to her. It's so bloody frustrating.
I did get a book on dealing with teenagers - I wanted to throw it at her, so that wasn't much help. 
We've sort of separated the room. I did ask if I could section my dining room off but was told no, so sadly it's not an option at the moment. It's a shame as her sister would like a friend to stay over as she's getting to that age, but it's impossible.
I've had her at therapists but deep down I know she isn't truly depressed, she's just lazy. This isn't just a feeling, it's from years of dealing with varying degrees of mental illness and seems to be confirmed by the therapists.
She doesn't get any money, and I don't get any for her yet am expected to fund college travel, lunches etc each week. I would be happy to do this if I felt she was in any way grateful but she's not. I tell myself it's my fault for spoiling her when she was younger, but her brother was treated in exactly the same way and is a polar opposite to her.
I've clearly told her the rules of the house and there have been times where she's slept in the park as I've refused to let her in when she got home after her curfew. I stopped making her dinners (she was coming in at 11 and eating then, which wasn't good ), but she would just turn the oven on and start cooking a meal at almost midnight so I've now had to put another rule of no cooking after 9pm in place.
It's so frustrating seeing a young, lovely incredibly clever young woman throw her future away, which is why I sometimes can't stop myself commenting on her hygiene but I do know I shouldn't. I worry that if she doesn't go now, our relationship will disintegrate so much that we won't be able to repair it. I just pray it doesn't get to that stage.
I think I needed to vent so thank you for letting me do that and for all the advice - I'm going to try biting my tongue and letting her get on with it. I'm going seriously grey with the stress!
Wish me luck 
So what if she tells granny you're a bad mother, why do you care?
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