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To expect my teenager to WASH???!!!!

(30 Posts)
mimidl Sun 02-Nov-14 16:38:45

My eldest DD is 19 and a goth (ish). For a few years now I've been having to constantly ask, no TELL her to wash herself, her hair, her teeth, everything.

Her bedroom (which her younger sister has to share with her) is a s@#t hole and if I ask her to tidy it I'm 'pissing her off' so she just goes out. Her clothes are all washed for her when she bothers to pick them off of her floor and put them in the washing pile. I've stopped ironing them as they just end up on the floor in a heap and mixed with the dirty stuff!

TBH I'm at my wits end with her now. She smokes, drinks, swears all the time and doesn't want to work. She's currently on another college course that's solely a way of not working, when she has enough qualifications to get a well paid job in the sector she originally trained for.

Her 'friends' are much the same. They are playing the system - most have got themselves into care so that the local authority will give them money hand over fist (which they do). She's talked about going to see one of these hostels and putting her name down for a room. Part of me wants her to go so she'll grow up and realise how much is done for her at home, but I'm torn as I don't want her ending up like the others - basically sitting on their backsides drinking all day and doing nothing except picking up their JSA once a fortnight.

The reason I'm posting this today is because she's sat ALL day playing games on the computer and I've asked her maybe a dozen times to do her room and have a wash. Simple house rules, but rather than comply she's walked out again to go and hang around the park.

Any advice?

DoughnutSelfie Sun 02-Nov-14 16:48:39

Let her move out

It feels harsh I know

In the meantime disable the home internet/passcode it

Can you reaarange the house/reallocate bedrooms so her sister doesn't have to suffer (appreciate this might not be possible). Stop doing her laundry!! Her personal hygiene in the end is her own business, ugh, yuk, bleurrgh but nowt you can do so make it easy for yourself by cutting out the nagging. All it achieves is stress for you.

One more thing - personal care can slip if someone is depressed, just a thought.

championnibbler Sun 02-Nov-14 17:08:52

Tell her to move out. Having to manage on her own will sort her out, sooner or later.

Nomama Sun 02-Nov-14 17:15:51

No, she is not playing the system, she is playing YOU!

Drive her the nearest hostel, let her out and drive away. Tell her you'll be happy to pick her up again, when she comes back to collect her things.

And in the mean time, do as she is telling you, leave her alone, and her clothes, meals etc. At 19 she is big enough to take on board the fact that she is being lazy and is taking advantage. But she is not too old to be saved, have a change of heart and grow up properly.

Good luck.

WitchWay Sun 02-Nov-14 17:24:03

I thought being a Goth was a fashion thing - hadn't realised it included poor hygiene hmm

She is an adult - stop doing chores for her if she won't contribute.

If sharing with her sister is the only choice, then divide up the room as best you can & dump anything that strays over the line into the bin her half. Sister can do the dumping as it's her room too.

Nagging her to improve won't help.

I'd let her move out & sink or swim - most likely she'll be fine & will eventually see sense.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 02-Nov-14 17:39:46

The local authority aren't going to take her into care, she's too old. I'd encourage her to move out if she can't comply with your rules.

kissmethere Sun 02-Nov-14 17:57:22

Nomama you.can't just drive to a hostel and they'll take her in...
Op it maybe is time for her to flee the nest. I'd sit down with her when it's quiet and see if this is something she'd be willing to do. She might comply and see the light.

northgoingzax Sun 02-Nov-14 18:12:01

I can't imagine any child purposively getting themselves into care of the LA to get money - if they do they are sadly mistaken that that will happen!!

VileStatistyx Sun 02-Nov-14 18:15:55

I would stop going on at her to wash. If she wants to stink to high heaven, that's her own look out. She will very soon experience the consequences of that, which will be a better teacher than mum nagging.

Don't do her domestic stuff. At 19, she can do it herself or deal with it not being done. Stop enabling her to continue being a slob.

Re the other stuff, you really could now be telling her to adhere to the house rules - language, keeping the room reasonable, etc - or find a flatshare.

At this point, it is down to you. It's your house, she is an adult, tell her what's acceptable and lay out the consequences.

And follow through.

mutternutter Sun 02-Nov-14 18:22:09

Could she be depressed

LaurieFairyCake Sun 02-Nov-14 18:25:19

Charge her.

Paying for stuff is the only way they learn.

BathshebaDarkstone Sun 02-Nov-14 18:41:47

What DoughnutSelfie said. sad

Lucyccfc Sun 02-Nov-14 18:43:55

Mutternutter - depressed? Lazy bloody teenager more like!

Don't make excuses for her.

whelleyboot Sun 02-Nov-14 18:49:53

Try reading a book called generation F. If she moves out now, she would be massively at risk.

I haven't got any massively useful advice though OP. I was inconsiderate as a teenager, and I guess all you can do is keep at it. It must be hugely frustrating.

mimidl Sun 02-Nov-14 23:18:12

Thank you all so much for replying! I do know she's playing me, the problem is that if I tell her to leave she'll go and tell my Mum who in turn will be on my case telling me what an awful mother I am (nothing new!), how sorry she is for her and pandering to her. It's so bloody frustrating.

I did get a book on dealing with teenagers - I wanted to throw it at her, so that wasn't much help. wink

We've sort of separated the room. I did ask if I could section my dining room off but was told no, so sadly it's not an option at the moment. It's a shame as her sister would like a friend to stay over as she's getting to that age, but it's impossible.

I've had her at therapists but deep down I know she isn't truly depressed, she's just lazy. This isn't just a feeling, it's from years of dealing with varying degrees of mental illness and seems to be confirmed by the therapists.

She doesn't get any money, and I don't get any for her yet am expected to fund college travel, lunches etc each week. I would be happy to do this if I felt she was in any way grateful but she's not. I tell myself it's my fault for spoiling her when she was younger, but her brother was treated in exactly the same way and is a polar opposite to her.

I've clearly told her the rules of the house and there have been times where she's slept in the park as I've refused to let her in when she got home after her curfew. I stopped making her dinners (she was coming in at 11 and eating then, which wasn't good ), but she would just turn the oven on and start cooking a meal at almost midnight so I've now had to put another rule of no cooking after 9pm in place.

It's so frustrating seeing a young, lovely incredibly clever young woman throw her future away, which is why I sometimes can't stop myself commenting on her hygiene but I do know I shouldn't. I worry that if she doesn't go now, our relationship will disintegrate so much that we won't be able to repair it. I just pray it doesn't get to that stage.

I think I needed to vent so thank you for letting me do that and for all the advice - I'm going to try biting my tongue and letting her get on with it. I'm going seriously grey with the stress!

Wish me luck smile

ColdTeaAgain Sun 02-Nov-14 23:36:40

She still has a lot of growing up to do.

I think you need to gradually start withdrawing all the privilages, you say you've stopped ironing for her so thats a good start! Start encouraging forcing her to be more independent and responsible but not all at once in case she decides to leave home. She sounds as though she could easily fall into a bad crowd atm as her friends don't exactly sound like a good influence. Keep her at home but put a stop to her taking the piss.

Don't refuse to let her in late at night though, sorry but that could end very badly, punish her another way.

At 19 she really should at least have a weekend job to pay her own way a bit.

SurfsUp1 Sun 02-Nov-14 23:40:36

* I do know she's playing me, the problem is that if I tell her to leave she'll go and tell my Mum who in turn will be on my case telling me what an awful mother I am*

So can she move in with your Mum? Sounds like they deserve each other!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 02-Nov-14 23:47:53

Who pays for her phone, I'm presuming she has one? I'd also turn of the wifi until she's washed/tidied her room/helped out.

Do not turf her out,I was that child and she would be massively at risk, just as I was. I often think teens regress hugely, it's like dealing with toddlers all over again.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 02-Nov-14 23:49:22

So what if she tells granny you're a bad mother, why do you care?confused

Tiptops Sun 02-Nov-14 23:54:19

Agree with all PP about not doing anything for her at all - no washing, cooking or giving her unearned money.

She is being lazy and entitled, but helping her out is sadly enabling her. She is an adult woman and needs to take responsibility for her hygiene and other needs. Helping her out is a lovely kind approach but unfortunately not helpful when the person concerned just takes, takes, takes. Get tough on her now, for her own sake.

MistressoftheYoniverse Sun 02-Nov-14 23:55:15

Leave her to it...trust me she will realise in a heart-beat what you do for her but sometimes' people can't hear so they must feel' -as my dad would say

rollonthesummer Mon 03-Nov-14 00:06:54

Stop her phone/wifi/sky etc?

OiGiveItBack Mon 03-Nov-14 00:11:10

i would take a big step back and stop doing things for her and try and stop 'nagging' (grrrr, I hate that word) her. If she wants to leave I would let her. I would get angry with her for swearing. You don't want to push her away too much though.

Hopefully, she will grow up a little.

(Sorry for disjointed post, my iPhone is playing up)

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 03-Nov-14 00:15:11

Where's she getting money for cigarettes? Smoking is an expensive habit these days.

VenusRising Mon 03-Nov-14 00:20:10

Where's her dad in this?
Why is it falling all to you?

Why isn't she achieving her potential? Does she have a mentor in college?
Who are her friends? Why are they happy to sit on their arses?
Why is she lost? What happened?

What are you going to do to safeguard her younger sister?

Does your DS live at home anymore?

Could she move to another relative somewhere out of her friends' circle?

You don't have to answer all the questions!

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