to want a 4th DC?

[QueenofKelsingra]

DH and I are toying with the idea of DC4. DH is happy to stick at the 3 we have but is equally happy to have another if I want one.

The thing is, I hate being pregnant (suffered from SPD/PGP and HG in both pregnancies, also gained A LOT of weight both times). Also DC2 and DC3 are fraternal twins so there is the chance of having another set. I love love love my twins but I really don't want to do twins again to be honest. Also aside from the 'look how cute' and the new baby smell I actually don't want to do the newborn thing again (sleepless nights, faffing with feeding, the stupid amount of gear required to lug around)

BUT

I don't feel my family is complete. I want another child, another sibling for the DC as they grow up. I'm one of 2 and wish there was more of us. DH is an only and the stress of dealing with his ill parents with no-one else to help is crushing him. I want them to be a 'gang' as they grow up and to support each other through adulthood (my mum is one of 6 and I love their dynamic). I know its not a given that siblings will get on but the more there are the better chance of at least having one they get on with each!

DC1 is nearly 5, DTs are 2.5, the plan is to start trying in January so new baby will arrive once DTs start pre-school in Sept. wouldn't want to leave it any longer as I don't want a massive age gap. In the last few months I have got to the point where it is so much easier going out and about with them all and fitting it all in, so I would be rocking the boat massively.

so would I be mad to put myself (and my family) through another pregnancy when it would be hell for about 3 years??? (until DC4 reaches the nice age the DTs are now!!)

[CromerSutra]

Honestly? No I wouldn't. The first part of your post would be enough to put me off. Your feelings about pregnancy, your worries about having more twins, your dread of the sleepless nights. You have 3 lovely children, enjoy them instead. I always wanted 2, was only able to have 1. It was sad and weird for a while, it's lovely now.

However, I am not you! It is entirely up to you and your DH!! Good luck with whatever you decide!!

[LemonadeRayGun]

Your post doesn't feel very positive. The only reason you really give for wanting another child is for the benefit of yor existing children, you don't really give the impression you want another child at all, but feel that you should. I think three children is a lovely amount, they are not alone, they have each other, they are a "gang". I don't think you should feel pressured to have another child just to make their gang bigger. It doesn't sound like you would enjoy it at all.

I would love a 4th child. The only reason we will not have another is finances, pure and simple.

[Bowlersarm]

Well, it would definitely be easier to stick with the three you already have. The urge to have another child doesn't quite think like that though, unfortunately.

Fwiw I wanted 4, DH wanted 2, so we eventually compromised on 3. Had 3, I was desperate for number 4 but didn't pursue it as DH had given way on number 3 and I thought it was unfair to ask him for anymore - not your situation I know, bear with me! - but what I have found as the years have passed is that I'm so pleased we didn't go ahead with a fourth. More time, more money, more space, less angst. Life moves on and you can all move together at the same stage instead of a permanent baby stage.

Good luck with your decision.

[QueenofKelsingra]

I would love another child myself - just from age 2 onwards!! I'm trying to work out if it is worth going through the early bit (pregnancy and newborn) to get to the bit I really love - (toddler and beyond!) it isn't just about my existing children (although of course its part of it) I do want another child for me too- just if it could be delivered by stork....

[QueenofKelsingra]

thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts. its a real head v heart problem!

if it's relevant, I'm a SAHM and plan to remain that way while we can afford it. finances would be tight but manageable I think, DH has a good job with good promotion prospects.

[PacificWerewolf]

Well, you'll need to consider whether the 'long game' (4 children) is worth the short-term (?medium term) pain of rubbish pregnancy and looking after a baby again. How big a disaster would it be for you if it were twins again? The risk of twin pregnancy rises with maternal age btw… just sayin'…

Fwiw, we have 4 - was a total head decision, I was never 'broody', but like the symmetry of having a even number .

Stork's not really an option…. get a puppy instead??

[QueenofKelsingra]

pacific I'm 30 so not too old I don't think!!

the house and car are big enough to handle another set of twins. and of course I COULD do it again if I had to, I just wouldn't choose to. the pregnancy was debilitating though, my DM had almost sole care for DC1 throughout my pregnancy so that side is more of a worry.

I also get the whole even number thing. even now my 3 don't all play together, its always 2 and a 1.

[CromerSutra]

Yes, I see what you mean. I suffered horribly with PND after a traumatic labour with dd. That was enough to put me off having another for 3 years but then I really did want one more child. I would have risked it for one more but it was not to be anyway. Now I am so glad I didn't. For so many reasons it's worked out really well for us. Your reasons not to sound very solid to me. It is up to you both though, not us.

[PacificWerewolf]

Of course you are not too old I was 37 when I had DS1 !

You sound like you have actually made up your mind

[SquishSquasherHellHounds]

I have 4, I love them all dearly, but they are not the gang I envisaged (although maybe that will happen when they're older?)
In all honesty, most of the time our lives are like a fight club and they rarely get on.

I would do it all again because even with hindsight I wouldn't choose not to have any of them iykwim, but it is much harder than three.
I do have one with suspected ASD though, which probably makes things harder than they should be.

[QueenofKelsingra]

thanks cromer for your thoughts. I have been very lucky to come through my births with no complications, no surgery and no PND so there is a part of me that thinks 'be grateful for what you've got and don't take the risk'

there is the other side of me which wont shut up about possible baby names though!!

[QueenofKelsingra]

pacific possibly, but I do have form for running off in an overexcited manner without thinking things through! I'm trying to get some rational prospectives to consider. my DH is useless as he will only say 'I'm happy as we are but I'm happy to have another if you want us to'

squish thanks for sharing - was the jump to 4 really hard? I assumed it wouldn't be as bad as the jump from 1 to 3!

[PacificWerewolf]

I take back what I said about getting a puppy btw - they are like psychopathic toddlers that chew things. 'Twas a stoopid thing to suggest I want a dog

Think about what you would like your family to be like in 10, in 20 years time - does that help?

[CromerSutra]

Yes, I get that completely! Fwiw I have 2 friends with 4 kids and they love it and a friend with 5, also fine. If you want a larger family and you can then go for it.

[AppleCrumples]

Hi we had the same discussions when dc3 started nursery and decided against as i have had hatd pregnancies and hate being pregnant! I did want another but like you i wanted to do without being pregnant. I actually like the baby stage but probably only because i have been lucky with quite easy babies.

Anyway decision made i started to look for jobs, got rid of remaining baby stuff (althoufh not all)...then realised i was actually pregnant!

I will be honest the pregnancy was a nightmare. I was so anxious about being ill and not being able to cope, the hg happened again but dd2 is wonderful and despite the hard pregnancy i am so glad we've got her. It was all worth it but never never never again!!

[QueenofKelsingra]

I toyed with the puppy idea but you cant put a nappy on a puppy and toilet training is not my favourite activity!!

10 years, so 15, 13, 13 and 10 - sounds great!
20 years - 25, 23, 23 and 20 - sounds fab!

its just 5, 3, 3 and NB which is scary!

but I think 7, 5, 5 and 2 sounds fine (crazy, but fine!)

The actual question is can I suck it up for 3 years (and manage not to drive DH to divorce me) for the rest of our lives being better.

[paxtecum]

my DM had almost sole care for DC1 throughout my pregnancy so that side is more of a worry.

What does DM think about the possibility of taking on sole care of your three DCs for nine months?
I DGC to look after is a doddle, 3 really isn't.
What if granny develops health problems and isn't able to look after them

Speaking as a granny in my early 60s, in good health and not carrying excess weight, I really would struggle to look after three young DGC almost full time. I would be permanently exhausted.

In the nicest possible way I really think YABVU.

[SquishSquasherHellHounds]

The jump to 4 was actually ok as ds3 was (and still is) very placid and easy going.
It has only been difficult since ds2 started showing signs of ASD when he was 6 and has needed an awful lot of supervision since then.

I'm sure the jump from 3 to 4 is far easier than one to 3 (or 3 to 5 :o)

Whatever you do will be right for you, I don't know anyone who has regretted having another dc :)

[ArabellaTarantella]

And what will you do when 'this one' starts 'growing up'? Will you want DC5?

[AppleCrumples]

Sorry meant to say that once dd2 was here it wasn't all that difficult. Obviously tge first few months were an adjustment and dd1 (dc3) was a bit jealous but once dd2 started sitting and interactimg more it has been easier. It helps that i have a much bigger age gap, they are now 11,8,6 and 22 months.

[Viviennemary]

In your case no I wouldn't. And this cycle could easily go on. When number 4 is born then you might want another. I think you should wait at least a year before even thinking about trying for another child.

[paxtecum]

Arabella: exactly.

[Rebecca2014]

I am one of four, good upbringing but me and my siblings have agreed we would never have four children ourselves. I think that says everything but it is your life.

[QueenofKelsingra]

pax we have thought about that (although not discussed it with DM). DC1 will be at school so it will only be the DTs and they will be older than DC1 was - more able to do stuff, not needing to be picked up as much etc. My DF has recently retired so there would be him and DM. they are in their 50s and in good health. its hard because on the one hand its our choice to have more children and I don't expect them to help, but on the other I know my mother would not let me struggle and would insist on helping regardless.

but, I am in better shape than I was last time, I also have got over the pfb 'I mustn't take any drugs of any nature' stupidity and will make sure I am medicated for the pain of the SPD and the HG straight away so hopefully the pregnancy will be better.

it is an important consideration and one I have not dismissed. thank you for your thoughts from a GPs perspective.

arabella I know this will be the last - house, car, finances etc wont cope any further! plus I don't want to be an older mother (not judging, I've just seen how hard it is for some friends who've left it later), I wouldn't want to have anymore once I'm in my mid 30s.

[paxtecum]

Your DM & DF presumably have made plans for their retirement time.
I wouldn't have thought their days are empty and time is heavy on their hands. Maybe they are planning to travel.

Do you have DGPs still alive? Are your parents involved in their care?

I never leave my DCs struggling either, I take annual leave and drive to the other end of the country to look after DGCs and dogs so my DCs can go to work at the weekends.

But I still think YABVU.

Enjoy the wonderful family that you already have.