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AIBU to not want to start a relationship with a man with kids.

(55 Posts)
Loveisintheair27 Fri 31-Oct-14 21:06:08

Me and my sister were talking , I am a single mum and we were talking about the future and maybe moving on in to relationships.
I turned around and said I wouldn't date a man with kids, well not unless they had full custody.

Now I have many reasons for this , obviously if the relationship were to go far and moving in , kids etc
Then I really wouldn't feel comfy about him seeing my kids more than his own and also of we had kids then my daughter spending more time with there lil siblings that the guys children.

Now I have nothing against or care what others do as in who they date but this is a personal choice just wondering if anyone else has the same worries

My sister laughed at me and said I'm being ridiculous smile

I for one would always welcome step kids in to my home etc they would have as much of a home as my own and as much presents etc so that isn't the reason I think I may just struggle with the above and maybe discipline.

Now the reason I am over thinking this is because the guy I really like has a son.

AloneReed Fri 31-Oct-14 21:20:16

Coming from broken home and also being divorced myself, many years down the line I feel ashamed as we as a society do not realise how much it can affect the kids.
I think this is really thoughtful of you (something that had never even occurred to me) but I, like you over-think. Like i won't get involved with anyone until my youngest is at least 16 as I don't want her to have the problems like i had with my Step Father.
Your Sister could be right. Lots of people make Step families work; There could even be benefits. You could have a great relationship with his Son but you won't know unless you try.
And because you are such a kind, thoughtful person by the sounds of it, I think you'd make a great Step Mum - better it's you than someone not so nice. The discipline side will come in time as you build a relationship and build trust.

EatDereksCorpse Fri 31-Oct-14 21:21:39

Do what you want.

It's your choice, if you like the guy but can't see past the fact he has a son then let him go so he can find someone who can.

financialwizard Fri 31-Oct-14 21:25:46

I thought exactly as you do. Then I met my husband who has a DS from a previous relationship that does not and did not live with him and we ended up married with a child of our own plus my DS from a previous relationship.

My husbands job had a lot to do with the fact that he does not have residency of my DSS but he is one of our babies and is treated as such when he is with us eventhoughheisashittyteen

campingfilth Fri 31-Oct-14 21:36:39

There is no way on this earth I would ever get involved with another man who has a child under the age of 18 preferably 30 grin

However, I also have no intention of getting involved with anyone either as DS is only 4 and I would struggle with not only when the heck I'm supposed to see them but someone trying to the me how to bring DS up. I can't stand the thought of someone moving in with me and then thinking they have a right to my home.

Yep I've been right screwed over and fucked up in the head by previous ex. No chance of it happening again plus I don't have the time grin

WooWooOwl Fri 31-Oct-14 21:41:20

I wouldn't choose to date a man with children either, but reasons to you, and I'd never say never.

WooWooOwl Fri 31-Oct-14 21:42:46

That's meant to be for different reasons to you.

OraProNobis Fri 31-Oct-14 21:44:47

Why did you have to turn around? Were you facing the wrong way?

Loveisintheair27 Fri 31-Oct-14 21:45:12

Ahhh I'm glad it's not just me ha
I really like the guy u have known him years, I would just feel quite sad if I couldn't / wasn't allowed to treat the children the same.
For instance say we have he had a child , and Xmas come about then both my children would be spending Xmas with the gu but not his son sad think I would rather him go to the boys mums house to spend it with them ha.

cruikshank Fri 31-Oct-14 21:50:05

OP, I'm with you on this one and I agree that you sound like a kind and lovely thoughtful person. Blended families can work, sure, but when there are multiple people and multiple alliances, things do get messy. I am with you that I would feel uncomfortable about a father spending more time with a step-ds (ie my ds) than his own children. I would also, if I'm honest, feel uncomfortable about another man spending more time with ds than his father does. And I wouldn't, having done it all on my own for so long, want another adult in the house anyway, especially not when it came to questions about parenting. I do date men, but I haven't found anybody yet that would make me overcome these misgivings, so I figure I'm happier on my own.

AloneReed Fri 31-Oct-14 21:52:27

campingfilth i have a similar view - I can't cope with new partners criticising my parenting skills when we've been getting on fine for years by ourselves. Just leads to arguments.
I also agree with you over seeing them. I have wasted so much time, energy and money in the past on dates. I find men so demanding now that I'd rather stay at home with my dd.
As for sharing my home; giving up rights to the TV remote, sharing a bed, putting up with the toilet seat up, snoring etc. I just don't think I could do it.
I wish I did have a more tolerant and compromising personality as I get lonely, but the fact is, I don't.
My friends despair of me! they say I'm too young to be on my own.

OpiesOldLady Fri 31-Oct-14 21:54:27

YANBU.

I got involved with a man who had a son and his son completely ruined our lives.

I'd advise anyone who wants to get involved with a man with a child to think twice. Don't do it.

OiGiveItBack Fri 31-Oct-14 21:55:20

I think it would be easier to stick with guys without kids. I know it can all work out ok but surely it's less 'complicated' to date childless men.

Preciousbane Fri 31-Oct-14 22:00:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow Fri 31-Oct-14 22:01:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OvertiredandConfused Fri 31-Oct-14 22:05:01

My SiL - who has two children - ended a relationship because her bf said he wouldn't turn away his children if they ever wanted to live with him! Personally, I'm with her ex (and SiL is a cow). However, I do understand your position and admire you for being clear about what would work for you and your family. There isn't a right answer!

campingfilth Fri 31-Oct-14 22:07:23

I could not and would not allow a man to live with me unless he signed a disclaimer stating he will never have any claim on my property. However, if a woman on here said a man was making her do that MN would go mental. No way would I risk it. My house is mine and then my DS not any step children's and that would work both ways.

Also I can not think of any reason why I would want a man in my life, I've gone over 2 years without sex so I don't give a fuck about that. I suppose getting them to carry heavy things would be nice grin

Dealing with their ego's is such a pain in the arse too. Can't be doing with it. I can do what I want when I want and go where I want when I want. My life in a lot of ways is far better than my coupled up friends.

Darkandstormynight Fri 31-Oct-14 22:07:47

YANBU. I was single for 33 years, I had no desire to be step mum, especially seeing the ex wives I would have dealt with. I was either going to marry a man without kids or not at all. Dh hadn't been married before and no kids.

KirjavaTheCorpse Fri 31-Oct-14 22:22:30

Why did you have to turn around? Were you facing the wrong way?

grin

Rollontome Fri 31-Oct-14 22:29:53

Yanbu, personally if I ever do meet someone else I don't think I'd want to live with them. Maybe that would change if I met the right person but it's impossible to imagine. I like being boss of my house and I don't want to change the dynamics in any way that could harm dd.

Step kids would introduce a whole new set of challenges. If all the children got along well, there was no risk of bullying/jealousy/emotional distress/ differences in parenting attitudes and expectations then it could work but how often does that happen? It's not fair to introduce people into their home/life that negatively impact on their happiness, space, freedom and security. Children don't have choices, they rely on parents to put them first.

Chesntoots Fri 31-Oct-14 22:30:04

You seem a lovely, thoughtful and caring lady. I am a step child so have seen both sides.

I would never date a man with children again. One of the reasons is because I don't have any myself and children are not what I want.

I think that you have a great attitude and should go for it!

KittenCamile Fri 31-Oct-14 22:36:38

Yanbu my DP has a DD and it's only the fact that we love each other so much we have stayed together. I would NEVER (hopefully won't have to!) date anyone with DCS again. Far to complicated for all involved. But if we are lucky enough to have our own DC (start ivf in jan) I know bar abuse I wouldn't leave as I would hate for my DC to go through this. I don't judge anyone who has Btw, what works for some doesn't for others, I just find the ferrying and constant miss communication completely stressful, I can't imagine what DPs DD has to go through

rosdearg Fri 31-Oct-14 22:39:36

so much sense on this thread!

If you didn't want more children, and you didn't want to live with someone, in theory you could date anyone you wanted. If I were single I would consider dating (shagging) a man with children because they wouldn't actually be there, nor would mine

But children or not I would never get into some domestic situation with a man ever again. I wouldn't inflict a strange man on my dcs or any man on myself. Looming about the place, feeling superior. Fuck off.

HelloItsMeFell Fri 31-Oct-14 22:42:26

You do sound kind and thoughtful, but it's easier to say all this in theory than it is in practice. Just wait until you meet a really nice guy who has kids….I bet you'll change your tune soon enough. but lucky him, if he meets someone who insists he puts his children first, and lucky them.

Venticoffeecup Fri 31-Oct-14 22:54:12

I think you are being a bit unreasonable and possibly jeopardising your future happiness.

I appreciate that a relationship with a man who has children would be complicated, but I believe that if you really liked each other you could make it work.

Considering that this hypothetical man is already separated/divorced from the mother of his children he is already not seeing his kids 100% of the time. Your being with him is probably not going to effect the visitation arrangements or his complex emotions about it.

Also it is not as though this hypothetical man is going to say to himself, "Oh, Loveisintheair27 doesn't want to date me because I have a son. Therefore I will swear off all single mothers and only date childless women who do not want children with me in the future, in order for my existing children not to feel left out." He'd very possibly go on and date another single mother and therefore you wouldn't have spared his kids from any pain at all.

I'm not denying that blended families can be difficult, especially for the children involved. No doubt they would go through some of the emotions you have described.

However the situation has already arisen. It's not like you are the OW splitting up a family, the split has already occurred. In a way you are just the person who is making the best of things.

Also assuming that you are 27 as your username implies, the older you get the more men in your group are probably going to have children. So the childless men group is only going to get smaller. You also have to bare in mind that a significant portion of the childless men group will be men who want no part in raising a child, so they wouldn't want to date you.

I think you are selling yourself short and seriously limiting your options if you refuse to date men with children. I think you would be much better off if you have an open mind about things. Let the men you are seeing make their own minds up about how they feel about the blended family situation and then see where you go from there.

Good luck to you.

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