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To be questioning my relationship?

(7 Posts)
AmIAHypocritic Fri 31-Oct-14 20:23:36

Ill try and keep this as short and sweet as possible.

Basically, DP (of just 6 months) has a 1 and a half year old daughter and struggles with the concept of parenting. It's not that he doesn't like children, nor doesn't want children, it's just much sooner in life than he intended.

The pregnancy was the unplanned result of a fairly long standing, but casual 'relationship' with a uni friend.

He is doing his best (his words) to do the 'right' thing by the child- sees her once/twice a week, and is paying child support, plus back pay.
On face value, fine.

However little things he's said just don't sit quite right, he openly tells me he told the CSA the wrong amount- he got the figure wrong, realised then chose not to correct the matter.
He often makes comments that just don't sit right with me as a parent- (hard to say without a complex story to put it in context) stuff like he just can't be bothered to go this week and this child is his 'practice run' etc things like the latter are said in jest, but still doesn't sit right.

Also, just generally about how he's struggling with keeping on doing the right thing when it's not what he actually wants to do.
I have however seen a marked improvement in his attitude just in the time we've been together (I'm pretty frank with him- when he's being a twat I tell him)

My biggest problem is, I know how he feels, I've been the parent that didn't want a child, took years to bond with DD and realise I love her and did want her in my life, (I just never spoke to anyone about this and just got on and dealt with it, hoping life would get better) and so I feel I am somewhat a hypocritic in judging DP when he's trying his hardest and I'm much further down the line of 'getting over it'.

I just wonder whether I'm being a little unreasonable in my unease when maybe he just needs more time to come round to being a parent. But it does play on my mind a lot

MrsTerrorPratchett Fri 31-Oct-14 20:33:43

On these boards, there are many, many threads by women bemoaning the fact that their partner is a shit parent to their children together, after having been a shit parent to previous children. The consensus is that the best indicator of how someone will parent is how they are doing it.

Do you plan to have more children? Would this man, parenting how he is now, be a person you would choose to be that child's parent? If not, I wouldn't be in a relationship. Contraceptives fail, people get pregnant. Maybe in 10 years, he will be a great partner and father. I wouldn't risk it for an 'if'.

MajesticWhine Fri 31-Oct-14 20:39:58

I don't like the sound of this either, and I don't think it would be unreasonable to question whether he is a decent guy. You don't say how old he is, which is interesting. His attitude sounds like a very young man, perhaps in early 20s. I'm glad you tell him when he is being a twat. But if he has improved his behaviour as a result, maybe he is just doing it to please you.

AmIAHypocritic Fri 31-Oct-14 20:49:32

Majestic I did wonder if that is the fact, or whether in the time we've been together he's just got his head around it more.
I've tried to not be to descriptive in who we are because I'd wish not to be identified IRL, we are both pretty young.

MrsTerror I do question whether I'd wish him to be the father of my child, and I suspect, if I met him in ten years time the answer would most certainly be yes I would think (and he is great with DD, and other children, it's not he actual parenting skills that's the problem) but I do often think, if I got pregnant now, where would I stand.

MrsTerrorPratchett Fri 31-Oct-14 20:52:06

I think you do know where you'd stand. That's the issue.

Sometimes it's the wrong time. For now, 'belt and braces' with the contraception grin

ThatDamnedBitch Fri 31-Oct-14 20:54:19

I agree with MajesticWhine. I think you should be questioning whether in fact he is a decent guy. You don't say how old he is? But honestly unless he's a teenager (which I doubt, as you say you're a parent) then I think his attitude is pretty appalling towards his dd. He's not even the RP yet is lying to the CSA and trying to get out of seeing her the few times a week that he does. Also saying she's a "practice run" thlshock.

My DH was only 18 when DSD was born, and then him and his ex split when she was 1. He paid as much as he could afford to the CSA (out of his £1.65 an hour job) whilst also trying to pay for his own flat and bills (no family to fall back on). He tried his best to be the best dad he could be (still does), and it he says it was fricking hard, he didn't have a clue about babies and children. He wasn't ready to be a dad, he was barely an adult himself. But when his ex decided to keep their baby he stood by her and was there all the time. He's never once said he regrets having DSD, life just happens and you have to deal with it.

I think your DP is pretty much letting you know the type of person he is, one who doesn't deal well with responsibility and tries to get out of dealing with it as much as possible.

Purplepoodle Fri 31-Oct-14 20:56:52

I think he needs to take bigger responsibility in the child's life, like having his dc every other weekend. My own dh struggled with our first when he was young and only lots if one on one helped

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