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To think I am not responsible for my sister and her child.

(124 Posts)
EllaJayne123 Fri 31-Oct-14 16:55:48

Genuinely need some perspective don't know if iabu or not.

I have a 10 week old DD, Dsis is 34 weeks pg with a man she was FWB with. He has bought everything for the child and she has not dipped her hand in to buy anything for him once.

She is an ex stripper and used to earn 300 per day at work (never paid tax and claimed benefits on side) and is now solely on benefits so limited money. She comes to my house and takes all the clothes that DD has grown out of and is always saying 'ill just have that when she's done and that and that' without asking.

2 weeks ago she said she hadn't felt her baby move for a few hours and as she doesn't drive asked me to take her to hosp, at 7pm with my 10 week old DD. I did and All was fine, she did the same thing last week (again all fine good heartbeat and movement on monitor) and has asked me to take her again last night at 3am!! With a 10 week old baby and my DP away with work I said I'm sorry no I'm not driving you anywhere now get a taxi, she said she had no money, I said ask the baby's dad, she said he was asleep. I apologised and said I'm not taking my daughter out of bed at this time and will take her in the morning.

She then started screaming down the phone at me for being so seLfish and I told her she needs to stop relying on everyone else and start being independent cus once she has that baby someone is relying on her - she can't rely on everyone else. She's now refused to speak to me. WIBU for not taking her and AIBU for thinking and telling her she is responsible for herself?

MonanaGellar Fri 31-Oct-14 17:06:07

I like the irrelevant backstory provided here to paint a very one sided description of her. Almost like you're aiming for a certain response or something...

HaroldLloyd Fri 31-Oct-14 17:08:20

I am unsure what her stripping and benefits claiming has remotely to do with your actual issue?

If she was checked the day before and it was fine then no you didn't really need to take her but she sounds very anxious anout the pregnancy and I would suggest to discuss that with her midwife.

Hugeheadache Fri 31-Oct-14 17:09:20

Poor you. Your Dsis is being unreasonable relying exclusively on you when you have a 10w old to look after. She needs to enlist the father's help a lot more. Do nothing. You have helped but she does need to widen her support network.

VileStatistyx Fri 31-Oct-14 17:11:13

If you don't want to drive her around, then don't. That's up to you. She's clearly anxious about the baby and in need of reassurance so perhaps telling her to talk to her midwife might be the best thing to do.

If she isn't speaking to you, and you aren't bothered about that, then the problem has pretty much solved itself, hasn't it?

Yes, she should be responsible for herself, but we all need someone to lean on sometimes in life, even if we are needlessly anxious about someone. If you cannot be that person for her, for whatever reason, then point her in the direction of some other form of support.

TarkaTheOtter Fri 31-Oct-14 17:11:37

She sounds very immature but I wouldn't refuse a pregnant friend a lift to hospital let alone a pregnant relative. Especially when my two were tiny babies, much easier with a 10 week old than a toddler.

diddl Fri 31-Oct-14 17:12:19

Of course you don't have to take her.

She has other options.

At least whilst she's not speaking to you she won't be coming round taking baby clothes!

WooWooOwl Fri 31-Oct-14 17:16:03


If she genuinely had no other options, then you should have taken her, but she does have other options, and unless she is has a high risk pregnancy, it is ridiculous for her to want to constantly be at hospital being monitored. She sounds very self centred.

MrsWedgeAntilles Fri 31-Oct-14 17:16:05

What bit was irrelevant? I thought the OP put that in so we knew her sister was used to having a bit more cash which could be very relevant to how the sister is behaving now.
OP, you've not responsible for your Dsis or her baby but I think you have to tell her this. I can see why you didn't take her to hospital but she's obviously (fairly or not) come to rely on you and you withdrawing (however reasonably) at a time when she was frightened for her child's life was bound to provoke the response it did.

Hatespiders Fri 31-Oct-14 17:16:18

Just continue to say no. Your own baby is your priority. If she's not speaking to you any more, job done. If she does resume contact, have a firm talk with her and refer her to the midwife (and of course the father-to-be!) for appropriate support.
Do you generally have problems with saying no and setting boundaries for yourself? If so, perhaps have a think about gaining some assertiveness. One can't always please people at the expense of one's own well-being..

LadyLuck10 Fri 31-Oct-14 17:16:59

You both really aren't good sisters to each other or even close for that matter.

ENormaSnob Fri 31-Oct-14 17:17:59


NewEraNewMindset Fri 31-Oct-14 17:21:20

The first mistake was posting this in AIBU? The answer on the whole is always YES!!! with rare exceptions.

EllaJayne123 Fri 31-Oct-14 17:21:37

The back story was to say why she didn't have money and to explain about her always taking the baby clothes. She is my older sister, 34 years old. I understand people need others to lean on, but she's living with my mum so she can look after baby, hasn't bought anything for baby, and expects me to drive her, give her my stuff, buy her lunch for her, organise a baby shower (which I Hate the idea of itself!) she already has 2 dates I need to babysit before the baby's a month old for 'gigs and stuff' I don't think I'm doing her any favours by doing it all for her and think she needs to realise. But just wondered it people think because she's pregnant and family I should do it for her. Thanks for replies

QuillPen Fri 31-Oct-14 17:23:01

Any change in movements should be checked out, even if you have checked last week, the week before and the week before that...

It is always better to be safe than sorry...

grocklebox Fri 31-Oct-14 17:23:08

its not irrelevant that she was making a lot of money but scrounges off everyone else. Obviously.

PrettyPictures92 Fri 31-Oct-14 17:23:35

I think the stripper part is completely irrelevant, could have just said "used to be in full time work earning decent money" as opposed to her actual occupation. You wouldn't have said "used to be a lawyer and now is on benefits" would you? So YABU for that.

And this one is kinda tricky for me to answer because I relied a lot on my dsis for emotional support this year and she's only just had her baby. However I wouldn't ever think about asking her for a lift with such a young baby, but saying that does your sister have any other support? If she has no one else, is that anxious then she would come to you. It's not unreasonable to refuse her, but it's not unreasonable for her to ask either.

SunnaStrangeInTheNeighbourhood Fri 31-Oct-14 17:23:43

Back away. A long way away and let her sort herself out.

EllaJayne123 Fri 31-Oct-14 17:23:53

Low risk pregnancy as well, so no reason to be always on a monitor

Icimoi Fri 31-Oct-14 17:23:53

She sounds very immature but I wouldn't refuse a pregnant friend a lift to hospital let alone a pregnant relative. Especially when my two were tiny babies, much easier with a 10 week old than a toddler.

At 3 a.m? After two false alarms? Really?? I would tell her to call an ambulance if she is genuinely concerned.

Inertia Fri 31-Oct-14 17:25:36


You prioritise your own newborn baby. If she lives with your mum then she can ask your mum for support, alternatively she can ask the baby's father for support.

You also don't have to give her things that belong to you and your baby either, unless they were specifically bought by eg your mum with the intention of being used by both babies.

diddl Fri 31-Oct-14 17:28:25

Had your mum already refused to take her then or doesn't she drive?

why wouldn't she wake the father for something so important??

MrsDeVere Fri 31-Oct-14 17:31:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarPlumTree Fri 31-Oct-14 17:32:22

She is being very selfish. Why is it ok for the baby's father to sleep but to drag you and new baby out at a ridiculous hour ?

I would get into the habit of turning phone off/unplugging it for a bit personally. She has other people sh can call, you need your sleep whilst you can get it.

Pumpkinpositive Fri 31-Oct-14 17:34:15

You wouldn't have said "used to be a lawyer and now is on benefits" would you?

I would. Why on earth not? confused

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