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How rude would it be tell an adult they are not invited to something?

(70 Posts)
QofeTheRaven Fri 31-Oct-14 15:51:51

DD started secondary school this year and asked if we could have a small bonfire evening at the weekend (hotdogs and marshmallows on sticks toasted over the fire, spiced apple juice, glowsticks etc) for her and 4 of her new school friends.

Her best friend from primary school is also invited, lets call her A. A's dad lives abroad but visits her fairly often, every 2-3 months ish. A's mum is not a close friend but we get on fairly well, however A's dad is a bit of a PITA (loud, posh, domineering type) and has form for inviting himself to events. A's mum knows this and it annoys her - she's told me so before.

DD has just been on the phone to A and it turns out A's dad has paid a short notice visit this half term and is staying with them atm. A mentioned that he was coming to the bonfire and asked should they bring anything along?

Now, I hadn't invited any adults along (although I know A's mum was planning to stay and give me a hand supervising the sausage cooking), its very small scale, and I certainly don't want A's bloody dad there organising proceedings and commenting on the size of our house/garden or taking the piss out of our vegetarian-ness etc etc (as he is wont to do).

Just how rude would it be to say to A's mum that actually, A's dad isn't invited? It feels very rude indeed but OMG the thought of him coming along makes me want to cancel...

Leeds2 Fri 31-Oct-14 15:56:11

It sounds like you really don't want him there, so I would say to A's mum something like, "You're husband seems to have got the wrong end of the stick. It isn't a party for adults." She will take the hint, although I suppose she can't physically stop him from coming round if he persists.

Nomama Fri 31-Oct-14 15:57:38

Your house, your rules.

She can then decide whether or not to cancel on you. Either way he won't be at your house.

Brassrubbing Fri 31-Oct-14 15:58:20

Are A's mother and father still a couple/married or not? You're not at all rude not to let a virtual stranger with form for rudeness come to your party, especially as he's assumed he's invited - the only awkwardness I would feel in your circumstances is about making his ex-wife pass on the message.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 31-Oct-14 15:58:23

Give him some kind of energetic and engaging task well away from the bbq. Point him firmly in the direction of whatever it is and walk away. Keep a toasting fork handy and use it to direct/prompt him back to the task at hand if he ventures nearby...

You can't 'not invite' him, not without causing your daughter's friend embarrassment. Get A's mum on side with your plans.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Fri 31-Oct-14 16:00:37

If he's that much of a prick, who cares if it comes across as rude? You could just say, oh, sorry it's a kiddy thing

Fudgeface123 Fri 31-Oct-14 16:01:29

Course she can not invite him...the party is for kids not adults and he wasn't invited in the first place

DoJo Fri 31-Oct-14 16:02:31

I agree with Lying - if it were solely down to you and the fall-out would just be on your head, then I would tell you to give him the finger and carry on with your life. However, given that this could make both A and your daughter feel awkward, I would be more inclined to grin and bear it, perhaps with a few polite but chilly remarks up your sleeve to head off comments on topics that you can predict will come up.

QofeTheRaven Fri 31-Oct-14 16:02:54

No they are not still a couple, haven't been for a very long time.

And yes I feel worst about asking A's mum to tell him, but not sure how else to do it?

milkpudding Fri 31-Oct-14 16:04:43

It is rude of him to invite himself, and rude of him to be rude.

With most people you could politely explain that it is a childrens' party and they would take the hint.

With him you may need to be blunt and tell him not to come, or say that he can't stay. If he is so bullish as to ignore hints I don't think being blunt is 'rude'.

Definitely don't let him in and not enjoy your own party.

Fudgeface123 Fri 31-Oct-14 16:05:25

can you get his phone number? Text him and tell him it's a kids only party and his ex is only there helping you get things ready

Haffdonga Fri 31-Oct-14 16:09:49

But it's for 6 teenage girls - not a party! It would be frankly embarrassing for everyone if somebody's father decides to gatecrash. I can just imagine poor A's embarrassment if her dad sits round the fire with her and her 5 mates while they talk about boys and lipstick.

You need to make it clear to this twat for your dd's sake , and for poor A that it's not a party.

Text A's mum - I hope I haven't given the wrong impression. It's not a party - just dd having a couple of mates over. You're welcome to hang around here if it's more convenient for you but I think A's dad would be bored. Sorry if we've given him the wrong idea. (kiss kiss smiley face etc)

PurpleSwift Fri 31-Oct-14 16:30:20

I'd just say "it's a get together for preteen girls, nobody needs any dads there! I'll manage, Thanks for the offer though. "

Marcipex Fri 31-Oct-14 16:38:51

Are the friends all girls? In which case, it's a girls night in.

All kids? It's a kids party.

Just say so.
'Sorry Bill, you seem to have got the wrong end of the stick. It's just a little party for the girls. See you later.' Smile. Minimum eye contact. Shut door.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Fri 31-Oct-14 16:42:25

You can't un-invite someone that wasn't invited in the first place. I think bold and clear is the only way to go here. Anything other than 'x isn't invited it's just for the girls. Hope you and dd can still make it' will see you with annoying geezer and his opinions all fecking night Far ruder of him to invite himself than for you to clarify the arrangements. He sounds like a knob.

Boomtownsurprise Fri 31-Oct-14 16:42:34

I would say this isn't a party for adults. No other parents will be there and are not being catered for. Tell all mums. Up to them to tell the dads.

Btw no dad I know would come unless the wife made them. And exh's?! More unlikely still!

QofeTheRaven Fri 31-Oct-14 16:43:15

Shutting the door would be ideal but for the fact that it's all going on in the garden. And you have to walk through our garden to get to the front door!

He hasn't openly offered though. He's intending to just turn up and I've got no way of contacting him except though A's mum.

I think the breezy text will be the best bet. Just clarifying that its a very small event and for the girls only so no need for him to come. He's just that braying pushy type that is used to swanning into anything!

QofeTheRaven Fri 31-Oct-14 16:46:17

Yes he is a knob! But a superficially charming one so people tend to not notice the knobbishness. And he does have form for turning up to anything and everything and taking over a bit. So I do need to say something.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 31-Oct-14 16:57:29

Yes - you need to say 'We've got it covered Bill - it's a kids party not an adults one. Thanks, if you could pick her up at 9. See you'.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 31-Oct-14 17:01:03

I would say it's a girls party only - not many men, no matter how obtuse would crash an all female party

I'd even lie and say my own DH was going out as it was girls only

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 31-Oct-14 17:02:20

I like Funky's line.

MiscellaneousAssortment Fri 31-Oct-14 17:12:59

Definitely send a very clear (but polite) text. No faffing or flummery but a clear

'no adults are invited to this girls only meet up. Pick ups are at 9'

Or even if you can bear to

'x is looking forwards to seeing her friend x, it's a kids only meeting and adults are definitely excluded for tonight! Pick ups are at x'

Don't leave anyone in any doubt, if he's that much of a boor he'll find a way round it if it's not explicit!

FeckTheMagicDragon Fri 31-Oct-14 17:14:58

If he does turn up and start his nonsense I'd 'jokingly' say thigns like

'What? Who invited you? Are you here to help with the tidying up afterward? Teh hoover is under the stairs' and smile
'Bit surprised you turn up to a kids party without an invite, and then start to pass judgment. Did you bring any bonfire toffee to contribute?' And smile
'Is it the done thing now to just turn up to people house without an invite? I've been out of circulation too long, things have changed. Here - have a toffee apple' and smile
'Do you go to all the parties your DD gets invited too?' and smile

until your face aches and he might possibly get the message

carlsonrichards Fri 31-Oct-14 17:18:52

What Funky wrote and then if he tries to barge in, firmly remind him it is a girls only party, for kids only and pick up is at 9 and close the door or usher him to the door.

He persists, 'No, there are no parents here and we are simply providing a venue, let's let the girls get on. Bye now.'

Vycount Fri 31-Oct-14 17:21:17

"DD has just been on the phone to A and it turns out A's dad has paid a short notice visit this half term and is staying with them atm. A mentioned that he was coming to the bonfire and asked should they bring anything along?"

So... ring and say "A has just asked what she and her dad should be bringing tonight. There must have been a bit of a mix-up, this is just a little party for the girls, no adults invited to spoil their fun!".

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