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AIBU to think that it is not my fault that DSD is pregnant?

(150 Posts)
zeezeek Fri 31-Oct-14 12:36:24

DH and I have been married for 24 years now and have 2 DD. He's 20 years older than me and was married before and has 2 DC from that marriage and another DD from a relationship that he was in when we met. He split up with her because he wanted to be with me, but didn't know that the ex was pregnant.

When he found out he supported the child financially and saw her whenever her mother "allowed". I think the mother quite liked her DD spending time with us because at the time we didn't think I would be able to have children and she was very smug about the fact that she had a child with my DH. There was, obviously, also a lot of bitterness between her and DH. However, my DSD is absolutely lovely and a couple of years ago moved to the town where we live to do her post graduate degree. Since then she has spent a lot of time with us and our DC and always comes with us to Sweden when we visit DH's other children and family. About 18 months ago she started seeing someone from her course - he is a post-doc and so a few years older than her, but he's a good man and they are very much in love. But her mother disapproved of the relationship, though we don't know why and that has caused DSD to drift away from her mother and, as a consequence, and because we are nearer, she has seen more of DH and I. We've had her mother make numerous abusive calls to us, accusing us of brainwashing her daughter, which we ignore and haven't told DSD.

She announced last week that she is 8 weeks pregnant. It was an accident, but they are both thrilled and although it means that she is now going to have to postpone her studies for a while, she has every intention of going back to them as soon as she is able.

Anyway, she told her mother and got the predicted response. Then her mother started calling me (not DH!) and accusing me of turning her daughter into a slut and a whore like I am and driving a wedge between them; I am also apparently jealous of her because she had my DH when he was younger and better looking (!) and she had a child with him first without no trouble, whilst it took me years to conceive. Actually as he was married and had children before he met either of us, that's not true. In the last couple of days there have been 50 calls to my personal and work mobiles and our land line, and she has also tried to get through to me on my work number (I'm not in the office at the moment so I imagine that there are several voicemails waiting for me). Yesterday I am convinced that I saw her following me - but as it has been about 10 years since I saw the woman I am not sure.

DH is being dismissive of the whole thing and saying that she was always a nutter and that's why he left her. DSD knows nothing about any of this as she is still upset at being called a whore by her mother - she genuinely thought she'd be happy about the baby.

It does seem that DSD's pregnancy has sparked an escalation in her behaviour and I honestly can't see how it is my fault that a 23 year old intelligent, educated woman is pregnant by her long term partner. Or am I totally wrong and it is me?

LST Fri 31-Oct-14 12:41:02

YANBU. She sounds like a loon. It's her fault entirely that there is a wedge between her and her DD not yours.

BertieBotts Fri 31-Oct-14 12:41:51

The ex sounds like a loon. Just block her phone calls. You can contact police as well for harrassment if you can't block her and/or you think she's following you. Don't tell DSD, since she's upset enough already. Just support her. 23 is not that young! How exciting smile Your first grandchild!

It's all irrelevant rely.

This woman is harassing you and I would not hesitate for one second to get the police involved.

Fenton Fri 31-Oct-14 12:43:35

No it's not you.

She's an adult, she and her partner are responsible not you or her mother. And there's absolutely no need for you to have any contact with her mother either, - if she's angry and disappointed she should be directing her opinion of their situation to her daughter and her partner, it's nothing to do with you.

Ridiculous.

browneyedgirl86 Fri 31-Oct-14 12:45:09

It sounds like the ex is unhinged! She's clearly upset about the pregnancy but that's not your issue or fault and she's using it as excuse to have a pop at you. Ignore her, block all means of contact and as already said contact the police if it continues!

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 31-Oct-14 12:46:26

YANBU. For the sake of not causing a huge fall out I'd give her one chance to back off. Send her 1 text "I don't wish to have any contact from you again. If you try and get in touch with me again I will involve the police". Then block her as much as you can and most definitely get the police involved if she persists.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Fri 31-Oct-14 12:50:51

I came on here expecting to read that a 16yo DSD was pregnant, maybe because the boyfriend was allowed to stay overnight at your house with her or something like that.

This is COMPLETELY different. She's 23, an adult, doesn't live with you, and makes her own decisions with her long term partner.

Her mother is unhinged, and you need to report the harassment to the police.

Maki79 Fri 31-Oct-14 12:56:04

It sounds like the mother is hurting.

Yes her reactions are unreasonable, but I think that it is propbably a build up of hurt over time. Her dp left her whilst she was pregnant, her dd has a good relationship with you (which in most logical brains would be a good thing, but this has probably sparked jealousy), then her dd moves closer to you than where she is. I think it's understandable that she's hurt. The pregnancy is probably an excuse to lay blame, even though totally irrational. Perhaps put this to DSD and see if you can instigate her to make more of an effort to see her dm some more. Maybe some kindness and understerstanding would go a long way.

tinylttletrotters Fri 31-Oct-14 12:58:31

That's harassment

I'd also be pissed off that she is muddying the enjoyment of your DSD's pregnancy

Very odd behaviour

hairygodmother Fri 31-Oct-14 13:08:41

You sound lovely. You sound as though you have developed a sound relationship with your DSD and she obviously trusts you. YANBU, clearly her mother has some issues which have no bearing on your relationship with her daughter at all. I think you're doing a lovely thing trying to shield your DSD from this as clearly, if she is happy, then that should be all that matters.

AbbieHoffmansAfro Fri 31-Oct-14 13:10:35

Police or solicitor, I think. 50 calls in 2 days is horrendous. Not very nice for your DH to be dismissive, but I suppose he's not getting the calls.

You could send her a cease and desist letter, if you think she'd take any notice. Either way, warn your work and your DD that there will have to be action taken unless she stops immediately.

lacksdirection Fri 31-Oct-14 13:14:24

Completely agree with Maki79.

I winced a little at your DH telling you she was always a nutter and that's why he left her.

elelfrance Fri 31-Oct-14 13:16:07

Same as Alice, I thought this would be about a teenager ! While getting pregnant at 23 mightn't have been what she hoped for, its not the end of the worls...and her mother needs to get help asap !! my feeling is that its gone too far for her to calm down with a little gentle understanding....50 calls is completely batty ...
However, you shouldn't deal with this yourself, I wonder should DSD be made aware ? Or at the very least your DH should step up and tell his ex to back off in no uncertain terms

ouryve Fri 31-Oct-14 13:17:34

It's not like DSD is a child, is it. She's being completely irrational and demonstrating just perfectly why that wedge is there, in the first place.

Unless 23 year olds aren't considered adults in Sweden, I'm thinking that your DSD is quite old enough to make her own decisions.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Fri 31-Oct-14 13:19:54

I would be contacting the police too. I agree, she is clearly hurting. however, I doubt you can be the person to help. And I think you need to lay down some boundaries in law by contacting the police.

The kindness lays in not telling her daughter and not responding in a similar way but calmly and firmly stating that there is no fault and that her behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

Sadly, I think her daughter will find out from her own mum what she is like

theposterformallyknownas Fri 31-Oct-14 13:20:23

It is harassment and if it was her following you she seems to be upping her game, contact the Police at once.
Have you a record of the abusive calls and emails, if so get them all together as evidence.
Even if the Police just visit her it may be enough to put the frighteners on her, she sounds unhinged.

lacksdirection Fri 31-Oct-14 13:25:09

Out of interest, does this woman have any other dc?

MissBlennerhasset Fri 31-Oct-14 13:31:46

I would also get the police involved.

Your DH doesn't sound very pleasant though, with the nutter comment. Presumably he overlooked that to have a relationship with her.

MaryWestmacott Fri 31-Oct-14 13:34:03

I think you need to make allowances for the exP, she was pregnant and her DP dumped her for the OW. She has had to watch the woman who broke up her family playing step-mum to her little girl. Then her DD grows up, and rather than seeing the OW as a bitch who stole away her chance of a family life, actually enjoys being with you and your DDs, going with you and your DCs to see her half siblings overseas, being part of a 'proper' family that the ExP could never give her because of you . Obviously, it's more complicated than that, but it can easily feel that way to her.

Most woman do find that when their DD gets pregnant for the first time it stirs up emotions attached to their first pregnancy (in this case was it her only?) - and at this stage in your DP's ex's pregnancy, she found out the man she was hoping to build a life with was cheating on her and leaving her for the other woman. That as secure as she thought her relationship was, she was just about to find it really was all just a shame.

Being a single mother from day 1 must be unbelievably hard. And now her DD is pregnant, to a man the exP doesn't trust (but you like, could it be he's rather like your DP? You see that as a positive, she might well have a very different view of a man like that!), and will be stopping her studies, to go back to at some undefined point in the future. Having been a single mother, she might well realise if her DD's boyfriend doesn't stick around, that 'some point in the future' will be 'never'. And even if her DD does complete her studies, then she'll not have the opportunities to build a career as if she was without DCs.

This doesn't mean she's right, and having this baby may well be the best thing for your DSD, but cut her some slack.

Get your DH to call her and say she has to stop contacting you.

Hissy Fri 31-Oct-14 13:36:29

I'd be calling 101 for sure. I'd be expecting my bloody DH to be suggesting it too tbh.

I agree however on the not telling her DD thing, for now, but if it has to go there, it has to go there.

You think this DSD should allow contact between her baby and her DM? I certainly don't.

this woman is not just hurting, she is unhinged. She has gone WAY past the reasonable and rational response to this.

MaryWestmacott Fri 31-Oct-14 13:36:29

oh and 'nutter'? he thought she was a nutter, but carried on shagging her (without any contreception), while on the look out for something better rather than just end the relationship? What the fuck does that say about him - they weren't married, they didn't have DCs at that point, he could easily have walked away, yet he waited until he'd got you - even though the whole time he thought she was a nutter.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Fri 31-Oct-14 13:38:54

There's a lot of assumptions in that post, Mary. It's probably best to try avoid that in helping the op.

Rebecca2014 Fri 31-Oct-14 13:45:08

It must not bwen nice to have been left for another woman while your pregnant. Your husband has three baby mothers yet she's the nutter? Maybe you should all go on Jeremy Kyle?

MaryWestmacott Fri 31-Oct-14 13:49:11

OK, she might just be a nutter, best call the police.

But pretty much every woman I know who had trouble in their own pregnancies /births found it hard when their adult DDs got pregnant. What was happening when this woman was 8 weeks pregnant? Because the OP said her DH left her before he knew she was pregnant. Was that around this time? And she's fixated on the OP, who was the OW who her DP left her for - the one to blame.

Sometimes, it's worth treating "nutters" with a little compassion, and thinking, is there unreasonable behaviour caused by unreasonable treatment.

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