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Well am I?

(9 Posts)
NCbutIstillmightbeouted Fri 31-Oct-14 06:30:54

To give a bit of background and trying not to drip feed. My OH when we got together made it clear he had a son, this son would come first before anything, he had an arrangement with his EX for maintance and this would come first. When we were in dire straights with money, it went maintaince, rent, food, other and TBH I agreed with this and still do.

We now have a son of our own. I cannot pin point when the problems started . We had problems with SS not wanting to spend time as a family (me, OH and both kids) so we made sure that they had at the least four hours minimum together doing Daddy/Son stuff. Then SS wanted family time, so we changed stuff, and every so often he wanted to change it back, I am not sure if we have done the right thing doing this, but at this point, we as a family were together once every two weeks and then OH would take him out after nursery about 2-3 times a week. When school started, this all stopped and by his ex's decision started to decrease. We are now nearly a year down the line and contact has gone from 3-4 times a week to once a fornight. This has happened so gradually it is ridiculas. Contact between my OH and his ex is basically nothing.

We have reached the point this week, when it is half term and my OH wanted to see his son, and a few weeks ago asked (face to face) his ex what days would be best, she said she would get back to him on it. I kid you not he texted and called between then and last week at least once a day to try and get an answer. Nothing.

He called at the beggining of this week to say he had Tuesday and Friday off and would those be a good time, nothing again. Once again he texted and called once a day to get an answer.

Thursday evening we get a text saying you can pick him up tomorrow. This is just one occassion where my OH had struggled to try and get more contact than once a fornight.

The thing that pisses me right off, is she has remarried and her new husband is also called Daddy, now of course SS spends more time with her new husband than with his real dad, but this is not my OH's fault he has done everything but take her to court.

But if nothing else, we could make plans, like today, We were going to meet my Dad for a halloween tea, now OH can't come because his ex doesn't want SS meeting my family because it will confuse him (SS is 6) I am getting so fed up at changing plans/ cancelling them because of his ex.

The worse thing is, is my son loves seeing his big brother and I am now point blank refusing to say when he is seeing him again because it doesn't happen.

I hope that makes sense to people

Thebodynowchillingsothere Fri 31-Oct-14 06:52:01

What a shame as you all have seemingly moved in and in good places so the children should be enjoying the blended family too.

Could your dh and u ask his e. And her oh for a face to face meeting to chat about this.?

Do you and his ex have a relationship?

Your OH sounds like a great dad.

TrendStopper Fri 31-Oct-14 07:01:10

Agree with the above about having a meeting. If that doesn't go well it might have to be court as your next step.

NCbutIstillmightbeouted Fri 31-Oct-14 07:05:47

I have no relationship with his ex at all. This is in part for two main reasons, when we got together he made it clear he had a son and they came as a package and I made it clear I didn't want any part in raising (as in parenting decisions) his son.

While I am disliking his ex for the lack of communication and if I am going to be honest it upsets my routine (I am OCD, so our lives are governed by routine, which is one of the reasons why I get upset) she is a great mum, SS is a very bright, young boy, he is funny and makes people round him giggle, he has a real gift for it.

But to your original question I am his son's friend not a stepmum or anything as formal, so if a conversation would happen it would be between him and his ex and possibly her husband.

I think rereading that back it makes me seem like I don't care about SS but I do, but for the last 8 months I have only been seeing him once a fornight, this has been due to different things and not just visitation, I have mental health issues and sometimes it was difficult to get out of bed, so where OH could he would take both boys.

He is a fantastic Dad and he is really laid back, but I know he is worried that if he starts taking a more formal route (so court) during the time it is decided his ex might stop contact. I am not sure she would, but I think it is in the back of his head she might

SunnaStrangeInTheNeighbourhood Fri 31-Oct-14 07:21:28

The ex doesn't get to dictate what happens when DSS is with you. Your DH can decide whether or not to carry on with plans to go to meet your Dad.

If ex doesn't like it then your DH should think about court action. She should not be allowed to dictate like this. Your DH needs to stand up to her.

Thebodynowchillingsothere Fri 31-Oct-14 07:22:54

Pick up the phone and chat to her. Why not? If your ds was going to spend anytime at all with another woman Surely you would want to get to know her.

I think it was great if your OH to specify at the start that his son was the most important thing but time has moved on and your SS now had a brother. You adults should all be chatting and exchanging things not just your OH and his ex.

It's the brothers relationship that will timstlt outlive you guys so you all need to be focusing in that.

Call her and meet up.

Thebodynowchillingsothere Fri 31-Oct-14 07:26:04

Just a thought. As you have no relationship with his ex could she be thinking you might put your own son first and not be that interested in hers now?

Obviously not the case but if you don't communicate at all who knows what she thinks? She may feel she's protecting her own child by doing this withdrawing?

NCbutIstillmightbeouted Fri 31-Oct-14 07:27:48

Sunna I have said this time and time again

Thebody I which is was that easy to just pick up the phone and chat to her, but unfortuantly it is not that easy for me. However I trust my ex and his judgement in knowing her.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 31-Oct-14 09:07:23

I wouldn't start getting involved in talking to her. It's his responsibility and his decision whether to come or not; however as you now have a son together he really needs to put his foot down about what he does when he has his son being his decision, not hers. So if you are all going out, then you all go out.

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