Is df's ex being unreasonable?

[extremepie]

Df's (friend) ex has recently demanded that he show her his payslips so she can see how much he's earning and consequently how much child support he should be paying (they have a 5yr old ds).

He has said no - he has never failed to pay her child support money and always pays an amount in line with the government calculator, plus he has his ds every other weekend.

He only earns minimum wage and his hours are variable as he works shifts so sometimes the amount does vary but not by much (probably £20 or so).

Basically she is accusing him of lying and earning more than he says he is and not paying her the amount he should.

Is she BU to demand this? Is he BU to say no? I know I am biased but I feel she has a bloody cheek to demand he hand over his financial details, especially since he pays what he is supposed to every month :/

[LineRunner]

I don't think she's being unreasonable, no, when their child's welfare is the point here. Not sure why she hasn't just gone through the CSA, though.

[grocklebox]

well she can go to the csa and he will have to give them the details instead. How does she know he is paying what he should be?

[mynewpassion]

He doesn't have to show her his pay stubs. Go through the CSA if she thinks he's lying.

[steff13]

I don't understand why everyone doesn't go through the CSA in a situation like this. That way everyone knows everything is above board.

[toomuchtodoneverenoughtime]

If she knows the job he does and if it's fairly obvious from that what he earns (give or take a bit of overtime etc) then she's BU. Of course if he's recently changed jobs, is flashing the cash around etc then she's prob entitled to ask. However he can say no, she'll then just have to take him to the XSA if she thinks it's worthwhile.

[toomuchtodoneverenoughtime]

CSA not XSA!

[extremepie]

He has told her that he is paying what he should be paying but she obviously doesn't believe him!

She doesn't want to go through CSA as she doesn't want to pay the fees etc.

[LineRunner]

Or CMS as it is now becoming.

[extremepie]

toomuch yes she does know the job he does, he's been doing the same job since christmas last year and his income has not changed much in that time so I'm not quite sure why she's suddenly so keen to see his payslips and so on!

Her bf has a good job so their income is much higher than his, not the point I know but it just irks me that she is being so insistent on this when she has a higher income than him anyway and he is paying the money like he should. Just feel a bit bad for him :/

[sausagefries]

I think it sounds like she is trying to bully him in to giving more money. If she is that concerned that he should be paying more then she should go through CSA like others have said.

[PoundingTheStreets]

I can see both sides of this argument and have lived both sides too. I was once in a relationship where I was paying then DH's maintenance for him because our combined income was higher than his XWs even though he earned way less than her. I paid it because children shouldn't suffer for the sake of complex adult relationships. However, you can't pay what you don't have. Had I not paid, my XH would not have been able to without literally going without food himself, and while I'd rather see an adult starve than a child, in a civilised country it should not be necessary that anyone has to starve at all.

OTOH I am heartily sick of coming across parents who claim poverty when it comes to their children's needs yet seem to have plenty of money to go to the pub/go on holiday/indulge their hobby, etc. This applies to those in relationships as well as non-resident parents!

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

You keep saying that he is paying the money 'as he should' or 'pays what he is supposed to' but without seeing his payslips how does your df know that?

She has to trust him, which in an ex situation doesn't come naturally. This money is not for her, it's for her DCs so she wants to make sure that he is paying his way.

I completely understand why she would want to see proof. My XH told me when he got a pay rise and changed his payments accordingly (increasing CM but then decreasing his voluntary SM, so it was exactly the same amount in the end!) but I know that not everyone would be so open and I'm grateful that he declared the increase, even if it didn't benefit me.

[WooWooOwl]

Yes, she's being unreasonable. Your friend has told her no, and should stick to it no matter how much she nags.

[extremepie]

But she's been happy to trust him for the last 5yrs, why is she demanding to see them now?

He doesn't go out really, doesn't smoke or drink, doesn't go on holiday etc, she really has no reason to think he has shedloads of extra cash he isn't forking over!

[extremepie]

Sorry that was for penelope :)

I agree woowoo, I think that is what he's planning to do but she is being very insistent about it, demanding to know his address etc :/

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Sounds like she is maybe planning to try and freeze him out.

[SpuffySummers]

My ex pays £150 less than hat he should based on my last knowledge of his salary 3 years ago. In reality its probably £250 less as I have no doubts he's had a pay rise or three since then. Works for family. Tried CSA they just lied refused to hand over information etc. It was a nightmare. Lives with his parents. Regularly goes abroad (4/5 times a year, never takes the kids with him) brand new car designer clothes etc.

She isn't BU. Her child is entitled to the correct amount. If he's got nothing to hide he should just hand them over.

[toomuchtodoneverenoughtime]

She's BU to insist in the absence of evidence he's changed his job, is earning more or is flashing the cash. OP says none of that is the case.

If the X is that bothered, her recourse is the CSA. Not harassment.

[Sister77]

Tell him to approach the (former) CSA.
She has no right to see his payslips but she has every right to ensure her child is getting what he/she is entitled to.
I certainly wouldn't recommend just handing over payslips!

[redfairy]

Of course if he's confident his contribution is correct he could just show her the wage slips...rightly or wrongly it might put the issue to bed?

[PrivateJourney]

I agree with Spuffy. If he's paying exactly what he "should" then Ex knows what he's earning (or can work it out) anyway, so why not just show her? He won't be giving her any information she doesn't already have.

Their relationship broke down - she doesn't have to trust him, she does need to make sure she's getting the best for her child.

[Asteria]

I don't understand why everyone doesn't go through the CSA in a situation like this. That way everyone knows everything is above board
You are kidding right?? I get £2.50 a week and have done for 12 years. The last time I went to the csa the advisor said it was clear he was evading payment but that there was nothing they could do because my ex is self-employed and pretends that his wife is the main earner. By my calculations he owes me £59k (but it could easily be twice that) and there is nothing I can do about it.

[Asteria]

Oops! Didn't mean to put a like through all that! I don't understand why everyone doesn't go through the CSA in a situation like this. That way everyone knows everything is above board

[Asteria]

line FFS! I'm going back to bed!

[LineRunner]

Why on earth shouldn't she know his address, if (a) their child is presumably there some of the time, and (b) if she does apply for child support through the CSA / CMS, she will be asked to supply it.