AIBU to never want to go on a holiday with DM again?(16 Posts)
I have just returned from a holiday in Europe with my DM. We went away for her birthday, just the two of us, and it was meant to be like a girls' weekend away. I get on with her in day to day life but I am so glad we are home after spending days on end with her.
I'm just disappointed in how negative she was about everything. She moaned about literally everything - the fact that people spoke a different language, the currency, the transport, the lack of Tetley tea, the hotel, the people etc. and it took away all the fun of being abroad. We fell out several times because she would snap at me over nothing. I got really tired of her moaning about trivial things - for example, she got it into her head that the hotel staff didn't like her because they 'only smiled' at me and not her. She took offence at everything and she kind of ruined our day trips by complaining about her back aching etc. On our last night, we didn't even go out for dinner because she decided she was tired - so we sat in the hotel room from 5.30pm until we went to bed.
One occasion really annoyed me. We were at a monument and some aggressive sellers were trying to force us to buy stuff and she waved at an imaginary person and walked on, while I got into some trouble with them because they were really harassing me. I hadn't even wanted to walk up that street because I'd seen them hanging around but she insisted. She then told the story when we got back home as if she had saved the day by being so quick witted and pretending we were with other people to make them leave us alone. In reality, we wouldn't have even been in that situation if she'd listened to me!
As soon as we got back home we went back to my parents' house and she started going on and ON about how glad she was to be in England, how 'it's so nice to hear and English voice and see English signs'. When speaking to my dad, she made the whole trip sound horrible. She then started loads of arguments over tiny things - such as my dad showing me a text he'd received and not her. She then walked into the side of my suitcase and made a huge fuss about how injured she was. I wonder if she'd done it on purpose to get attention because I had placed it right out of the way.
I just feel a bit upset because I spent a lot of money on this holiday and was looking forward to it as I don't often spend time with my DM anymore because I'm so busy with work. By the end of it, I felt like she'd hated it and wasn't keen on me. She even said to my dad, "I'm so glad to see you! I've missed my family so much." which made me feel a bit like I didn't count and she'd had to endure this awful trip.
She's not elderly or anything like that, no health problems so I thought she'd enjoy it more than she did. It was a birthday present for her and I feel like it's all gone wrong.
Never go again and don't see her for a while until she doesn't make your blood pressure rise.
She sounds awful.
Some people are much better on home turf.
Stay out of her way for a while and never ever go on holiday with her again....
Honestly I find some people as they age don't like to leave the country because they don't feel relaxed in such different surroundings.
Maybe stick to weekends away in England from now on.
On our last night, we didn't even go out for dinner because she decided she was tired - so we sat in the hotel room from 5.30pm until we went to bed
Why didn't you go to dinner alone?
Some people don't cope well on holiday I'd try to move on if possible & never ever holiday with her alone again
It does sound quite an old way of thinking though - is she usually very routine-y & likes her home comforts?
I only saw your thread title, OP, and knew then, before even looked at the detail, that you were NOT being unreasonable.
I went on holiday with my mother for a family wedding, to her home country... 8 days of hell. Never, ever again. She keeps trying to talk me into it again and I feign deafness as far as I can, then it's change the subject a go-go until she stops.
My mum is also very negative and did most of the things that yours did... sympathies.
Yes she is very routine-y and doesn't often do anything out of the ordinary. She even dislikes going to restaurants. But she had been saying she wanted to visit this place for ages and I let her know in advance I was booking it. I guess she couldnt handle it when she got there.
She sounds depressingly like my own mother, who is in her early 70s but still working and sharp as a tack.
She has paid to have the company of me, my sisters in various combinations over the last few years as she likes a companion/chauffeur/PA to whinge at. The last time I went alone with her there was a mix up with the booking and I ended up having to actually share a room with her for the whole week. She smokes like a chimney, coughs constantly and sounds like she writes the Daily Fail. Oh yes, rewriting history is a classic- narcissism is alive and well by the sound of it. She needs to be centre of attention.
Trust me, it's not you it's her.
Distance is your friend
My own mother was similar to this on our last family holiday. We go annually (a massive group) and she was sort of like this the year before, then I sort of forgot about it a bit enough to
be daft enough to book up for the following year.
This last trip was ridiculous and I am not going on the next one. Ive just got around it by saying "I just need a year off" - however dd keeps saying "Grandma says she is taking me to XXXX" errr no, she isnt! You are three. You stay home with me!
So even not going she is still managing to be a pain in the arse!
Holidays with friends are the answer OP
Poor you it sounds like a pretty horrible holiday. In can be quite intense going away on holiday and I certainly don't think you'd be unreasonable to say never again. I'd imagine you were going away to have a break and have some good mother daughter time, if she's getting on your nerves like this then it will be counterproductive. I find some people are just better in small doses maybe this is the way to think about future plans with your DM.
I sympathise. My mother is very negative too, but I live with her. So there is no escape. I have literally learned to switch off my ears, although I draw the line when she starts having a go at the kids.
My mum is similar, but after I've spent a week on holiday with her, I book another week away shortly after as my reward. It's the only way I can deal with it.
I learnt the hard way re parents and holidays - twice!
1st time with xPIL's - MIL reduced me to tears with her constant sniping, complaining and insisting that we did only things she wanted and whined like a toddler if by a miracle we did something someone other than her wanted to do
and then totally fucked us over by booking a foreign holiday when they got back as 'well, going to 'thatplace' wasn't really a holiday, was it?' Well surprise surprise it was the only holiday me and xh got
2nd time with my own parents - after 24 hrs I realised that so long as I expected them to do nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing
to the point of watching me open a bin lid with my foot whilst holding a mug of boiling tea in one hand and the spoon with the bag in in the other whilst she was STOOD NEXT TO THE DAMN THING I'd survive......
Sympathies here too, have had similar with my Dad...my DMum is surprisingly adaptable/adventurous.
Your mother was clearly out of her comfort zone and anxious - so all turns nasty. My MIL does this. The negativity is painful. Anything "posh" or "nice" - threatens her and she has to be critical.
Could it be that it was the situation which unnerved her -- rather than you personally....?
Does she travel abroad with your Dad? Have the 3 of you been away successfully before?
Give yourself some breathing space, commit never to go away with her again - but as you do have a good day to day relationship with her might be good to try to re-establish this at some point.
Somethingtodo... your comment about 'comfort zones' made me stop and think. My mum and her sister have a very weird relationship and as much as my mum loves her sister, she is obviously very much out of her comfort zone and it affects her behaviour badly. I hadn't consciously registered that before, thank you.
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