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Is this friend insensitive or just caught up in own problems.?

(17 Posts)
TheNewClassic Thu 30-Oct-14 17:35:35

my friend was seeing a guy for about a year, very casual more like friends with benefits.

I found out last week that my dp that I have been with for five years had a one night stand. I am trying to work out if i am staying in the relationship.

She just found out this guy shes seeing has a long term live in girlfriend. Its clear to me she is still seeing him. She told me that she will ask him for an ultimatum, is confused, doesn't know what to do. She is depressed and low.

I am having to support her emotionally even though I have been cheated on, possibly having to look for somewhere to live. It feels like we are in opposite situations.

Am I being unreasonable to be getting annoyed?

Madlizzy Thu 30-Oct-14 17:37:01

Yes, you are. It's not a competition as to who is more devastated. You should be willing to support each other.

MrsWolowitz Thu 30-Oct-14 17:38:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hiddenhome Thu 30-Oct-14 17:40:54

Your relationship is long term so the consequences are worse for you, esp as you are living together.

TheNewClassic Thu 30-Oct-14 17:41:49

I am trying to be sympathetic and sensitive! but as she is still willing to sleep with him I am getting more irritated.

TheNewClassic Thu 30-Oct-14 17:43:12

She has said things like his partner is dumb and she will ask him to choose. knowing what I am going through. am I unreasonable in thinking this isn't ok?

FreeSpirit89 Thu 30-Oct-14 17:45:32

I think maybe your projecting, is it possible you have a downer on her because you can't articulate the feelings to the other woman in your case.

It sucks and must be hard for you feel sympathic with your friend when you can identify with the wife but maybe your emotions would be better put to your own dh infidentlty.

After all it's him who has betrayed you not your friend.

Good luck

TheNewClassic Thu 30-Oct-14 17:48:00

That makes some sense. Thank you

FreeSpirit89 Thu 30-Oct-14 17:49:31

I hope you get it resolved classic.

Sorry you've found yourself in this position

WooWooOwl Thu 30-Oct-14 17:55:32

I don't think she's being insensitive unless she's refusing to listen to you talk about your issues and is too wrapped up in herself to support you when you need it too.

It doesn't sound like she knowingly became the OW, so her upset is still very real and I'm sure she's hurting too. It's not comparable to your situation, but it's not a competition.

If she is still being supportive when you're talking about your situation, then I'd let it go.

hoppingmad Thu 30-Oct-14 17:57:44

She sounds like she is in love with him and has just found out she's the ow. I imagine she is very upset but still hoping he will choose her.
You are dealing with your own betrayal.

Don't get annoyed at her, she's not the one who hurt you. Some friends are crap at the supportive bit, it's rarely intentional.

Sorry for what you are going through hmm

Catsarebastards Thu 30-Oct-14 17:59:22

I do think she is being insensitive tbh. You are basically the equivalent of her FWB's girlfriend and she is calling this woman dumb. She may not see the similarity but i think it would be fine to point it out to her and let her know that she might aswell be talking about you when she says these things.

WineWineWine Thu 30-Oct-14 18:34:46

If she is being insensitive, then so are you. You are minimising her problems as they couldn't possibly be as bad as yours.
It's all relative. Her problems to her are currently devastating. Your problems to you are equally devastating. It is unfair and unhelpful to compare one to the other.
Hope you get it sorted out. Don't lose friends in the process

mommy2ash Thu 30-Oct-14 18:38:17

you are both going through awful situations you should support each other

TheNewClassic Thu 30-Oct-14 18:40:35

maybe I am being unreasonable then...

MistressoftheYoniverse Thu 30-Oct-14 18:56:25

So Sorry <<hugs>>

I don't think you are tbh ...all relationships are not equal - Friends with benefits is not the same as having a long term partner of 5 yrs that you believed you were in a committed relationship with..she knew where she stood, she might have wanted there to be more but it is what it is.. if he wanted more from her he would have been committed to her..Friends with Benefits is not commitment.
You are both hurting and should be as supportive as you can to each other but be real with her about how you feel ...and if you can't then do the best you can x

TheNewClassic Thu 30-Oct-14 20:48:37

Thanks for the messages sad
I wouldn't tell her how I am feeling because I don't want to upset her more. I guess I will suck it up.

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