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trying to go no contact

(21 Posts)
mommy2ash Thu 30-Oct-14 14:32:38

I have various family issues unfortunately I have been saddled with a very difficult bunch. as the oldest child to parents with their own demons I somehow ended up in the role as parent to the lot of them at a very young age and have spent a lot of time trying to let go the feeling of responsibility i have towards them.

so two weeks ago my dad attempted to drive his car drunk with my dd and my niece I stopped him and tried to keep the atmosphere light and got the kids sorted to leave his house.

I then received a torrent of abuse full of vile language in front of the kids and he told my dd she wasn't welcome in his house and neither was i. apparently im a huge source of pressure in his life and cause nothing but problems. this isn't true of course but no point arguing. I left saying not to speak to me again unless it was a sincere apology to firstly my dd and then to me.

I know that won't happen as whenever there have been arguments in the past he goes to bed for a few days plays the poor me act and waits for the person he argues with to talk to him first to keep the peace and once they do he begrudgingly responds and a few days later it is all forgotten about. usually that person is me as I take the brunt of most of his bad humours.

well this time it's just gone too far for me. my dd was really upset and I don't agree with the way he treats other people in front of her. it isn't a healthy attitude for a child to feel is normal. I have a zero tolerance policy towards drink driving and it scares me that he wanted to drive the kids in that condition.

my dd is now really upset as despite all this of course she really loves her grandad. my mom has just left my house and is taking his side and just wants me to talk to him again for a quiet life. i may allow my dd to go there accompanied for short periods of time as long as she never gets in his car and there is no animosity shown in front of her. I could trust my sister to do this.aibu to never want to speak to him again?

starlight1234 Thu 30-Oct-14 14:40:38

He acts like this because he never has to apologise. IT sounds like a lot of people are enabling him to behave this way.

Personally I would not want my child around that kind of behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 30-Oct-14 14:40:58

He told that to your dd shock, that woukd be a step or two, too far now and definitely go non contact, very toxic behaviour, but to take it out on a child. Dud your dd hear? All because you want your dd and niece to live, and not die in the hands of a drunk driver.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 30-Oct-14 14:42:14

Yes I agree starlight, by apologising your enabling his behaviour and not letting him face the consequence of his actions.

Leeds2 Thu 30-Oct-14 14:44:40

You are not being unreasonable at all. Wait for him to apologise.

I would be livid if someone over the limit tried to drive my DD anywhere.

SDTGisASpookyWoooolefGenius Thu 30-Oct-14 14:49:59

I think I would spell things out to your mum - your dad tried to drive drunk with children in the car, and subjected you and your dd to a torrent of abuse when you wouldn't let him. Whilst you understand her need to stand by him, you hope she will accept that you did nothing wrong whatsoever, and neither you nor your dd deserved to be spoken to like that.

And I would definitely go no contact with him.

If you explain it to your dd, will she understand? "Grandad behaved very badly - I am sure he still loves you, but he shouldn't have spoken to you or to me like that, and he should apologise for what he said and did, and until he does, we are going to give him some space" Would that help, do you think?

ComfortingKormaBalls Thu 30-Oct-14 14:56:53

My extended family went NC with me over ten years ago after a family crisis, they had done it in the past and it was either over minor things or over something I had no clue about. I was probably too young at the time to realise what was happening but looking back it was a huge releif, and the best thing that ever happened.

Above all, you have a duty of care to your daughter (And Niece) so for her sake please re-evaluate your relationship with your father.

Don't let your DD suffer your father like you have. You are an adult - you call the shots. Take control of the situation and do everything on your terms - although be prepared for tantrums.

Good luck

oldgrandmama Thu 30-Oct-14 15:01:31

Christ! I wouldn't let my precious child anywhere NEAR him, ever again. He wanted to drive while drunk, with her in the car? He could apologise until the cows came home, I'd never EVER trust him again. And if your mother can't understand that, then tough.

As for your child loving granddad, well - does that mean you have to allow her to be put in danger from this drunk? She'll have to love him from afar if you do go NC, or at least, love him ONLY when you're around, to make sure he doesn't again try to take her on boozed up joyrides.

mommy2ash Thu 30-Oct-14 15:35:58

thanks for the replies

yes there is a whole bunch of enabling that goes on throughout my family. I have done a lot of self help over the last few years and at least now im in a place where I can identify it and see where I am adding to the problem. I have gone through periods of not speaking to him before the longest being over a year and I have backed down because of pressure put on from other family members.

im honestly worn down from it. he won't apologise as he won't admit to himself that he did anything wrong. he has already told everyone else it is my fault and they can believe what they wish.

I don't even want an apology as really it means nothing unless it comes with a commitment to change and that won't happen.

yes my dd did hear what he said and she said to him but grandad this is my house too i can come up here whenever I want and he just grunted at her.

I really don't want my dd anywhere near him. she is a great kid and it's so sad she keep saying mom i bet grandad has forgotten about it so we can go back up. I explained it's not about forgetting but about learning from it. i said if you kicked me and we forgot about it and next week it happened again and on and on you would never learn to stop kicking Me would you. she understands what I mean but this is really hurting her and it's breaking my heart as obviously in her mind im to blame. my mom told her grandad is waiting for her to come up to see him which also doesn't help. that's why I was wavering on allowing her to have a supervised relationship with him with my sister present. i know she would be honest with me if anything was amiss and she loves my dd as her own but maybe I'm wrong to even allow that. I just hate seeing my baby cry but obviously her physical and emotional safety comes first.

DrCarolineTodd Thu 30-Oct-14 15:58:17

You are doing so well with your DD! It is not your fault she's upset and it's okay for her to be upset - it's sad but sometimes in life we are upset and that's allowable and okay.

It's really important to keep explaining to her that grandad forgetting about it really isnt the point. I think you are right to keep her away because of the message it will send otherwise.

You can be sad that she's upset but also explain that it's not possible to change things.

mommy2ash Thu 30-Oct-14 17:01:27

thanks i know you are right i just have to keep reassuring her as best I can and ignore family members trying to make me feel like I'm being stubborn for no good reason

Aeroflotgirl Thu 30-Oct-14 17:06:57

Yes what your dad did was apoealling, his family allows it, that's why he gets away with it. His behaviour around your dd was disgusting you do not have to tolerate it anymore.

Charitybelle Thu 30-Oct-14 17:10:44

I wouldn't allow my dd to be around him again tbh. Sorry I know that it will be difficult for her, but can you really trust your dsis to stand up to your DF if another incident were to occur? By your own admission as the eldest you are the one to bear the brunt of his 'bad humours'. Would you ever forgive yourself or your dsis if something bad were to happen? I think you've done the right thing in the way you've explained it to your dd, she may not understand now but keep calm and she will un derstand when she gets older.
Also if your DM can't support you then I'm afraid I wouldn't allow her to be alone with your dd either. Sounds like she will just confuse your dad with nonsense about her 'innocent' GF. Perhaps she's as victim of your admittedly toxic family as well, but you have to put you and your dd first. You can't help your DM if she wants to continue this dysfunctional family dynamic.

Charitybelle Thu 30-Oct-14 17:11:38

Sorry 'confuse your dd' not your dad, bloomin autocorrect

mommy2ash Thu 30-Oct-14 19:03:35

my mom doesn't even like my dad. they don't get on at all but are old school in thinking you just stay in a marriage no matter how unhappy. it makes it all the more strange she is taking his side here. normally she is the first to give out about him.

wantstolickwilliamgraham Thu 30-Oct-14 20:35:06

Definitely a good idea to keep your DD away from him. Aside from the fact that he is rude and verbally abusive towards you, he could easily drink drive with your DD again and no one will stop him. Your mum's pretty disgusting to be honest, fair enough being ground down and unable to stand up to when he's being an arsehole but condoning and enabling child endangerment? I wouldn't trust her with your DD either.

What about the parents of your niece?

mommy2ash Thu 30-Oct-14 22:56:36

they will allow my parents to mind my niece again as they rely on them for childcare while they work as she is only a baby. I work around my dd being in school anyway. i would never have put myself in a situation where I depended on them.

wantstolickwilliamgraham Fri 31-Oct-14 09:35:19

Do they know he's endangered her though? They may try to find another way. I really think you need to report your father to SS though if your niece is in their care.

mommy2ash Fri 31-Oct-14 11:09:26

they do know i took my niece that day and rang them immediately. they can't afford alternative childcare I personally would sooner quit my job

addictedtobass Fri 31-Oct-14 11:13:43

You do need to call SS OP, whether your sibling wants to endanger their child, you need to report for the sake of that child.

hippoesque Fri 31-Oct-14 15:31:22

Watching with interest. You could be describing my life almost!! I don't argue anymore, I just let the bare minimum of contact happen. Never when they've had a drink and never when everyone is together. It's difficult at first but it's second nature to me now to not bother if it's a trigger situation. My advice would be to mentally note what you're willing to put up with and stick to that, anything more then you just distance yourself for a while (as a side note I don't rely on any of them for anything so that alleviates a lot of potential problems)

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