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Should I leave this guy?

(29 Posts)
Edinburghpudding Thu 30-Oct-14 10:35:32

Hi everyone, I'll try to be as short as possible...
I'm 35 weeks pregnant with second child and still studying full time at uni.
This child has a different father to my first. I was with the first father 5 years. I've been with this guy 2 years.
When me and current oh first met, I fell blindly in love, even the thought of someone else felt wrong. After a few months to make sure he'd be ok to introduce to my son, I dove straight in.
Then he went to Thailand... On return I saw he'd packed condoms, he also messaged girls asking to meet while he was out there....he made his excuses and i decided to give the benefit of the doubt......then I found more messages on online dating sites a few months later...he swore on my sons life he would never do it again...so it tried to move on again.
Then we choose a house to live in, great....then I found more online activity...didn't move in.
Then I lost a baby.
Then Christmas last year....I find yet more online dating sites, now this time there were profiles on at least 3 transexual websites. He had also been messaging girls on facebook.
Despite this I didn't want to give up as by this time my son was fond of him, and I still loved him.
Now, nearly a year done the line, I am pregnant, and very unhappy, resentful and angry at this guy. I'm unkind and feel full of toxic towards him. Even my son has lost respect for him, which must be my fault.
Oh has tried to make it up to me, he defiantly puts in more effort, spends all his time and money on us.
But now I'm at a point where I don't feel grateful, I don't even I feel like I like him.
I'm angry at him and myself for treating someone at substandard levels, and for not getting over this for the sake of children.
He came home last night not feeling well, and instead of cuddling him and looking after him like I would with anyone else, I had my back turned. This isn't how someone should be treated.
Has anyone else been through something similar?
Please help!!!x

NickiFury Thu 30-Oct-14 10:41:09

Yes, I have been through similar. Chance after chance after chance till I finally realised he was never going to change and I could either accept that and live that way or I could get rid of him and keep my sanity. My ex always threw money at the problem too, holidays, presents etc.

Get ready for him not to go quietly, these men are in denial about their behaviour and believe that they're actually great DP's who are just having a few glitches and should be helped through it. You'll get bitched at for "breaking up the family", which is of course complete nonsense.

This has gone far enough don't you think?

Fuckerysmuckeryboilsnspornery Thu 30-Oct-14 10:42:57

You aren't happy with him (not surprisingly). Staying will only make you both miserable. Time to cut your losses.

Fairenuff Thu 30-Oct-14 10:43:46

On return I saw he'd packed condoms, he also messaged girls asking to meet while he was out there....he made his excuses and i decided to give the benefit of the doubt

What were his excuses. I am genuinely intrigued as to what innocent explanation he could give that would require him to pack condoms and message women to meet up?

Edinburghpudding Thu 30-Oct-14 10:47:17

Ha I see your point!
First excuse was that they belonged to another lad who had just chucked then in there when holiday was finished. Second excuse was that they'd fallen from the drawers next to the bag....god I'm stupid.
But this was over a year ago.
Why can't I get over it now? Can you ever get over these things?!

SpringBreaker Thu 30-Oct-14 10:47:31

I am utterly amazed that you thought having a child with someone who treats you so shoddily would ever be a good idea.

Your son does not deserve someone like this in his life, and I doubt the next child will either, but you have tied yourself to this person for life now sadly.

I would certainly never trust him, and would tell him to sling his hook.

SaucyJackOLantern Thu 30-Oct-14 10:50:15

Some people can get over the fact that they've been cheated on. Other people can't.

If you think you're in the latter camp, I think your best bet is to leave him for the sake of your own sanity and self- esteem tbh.

Edinburghpudding Thu 30-Oct-14 10:52:24

I think so, if it's been nearly a year, and it still makes you cry, stay awake at night worrying and you still think about it everyday.
I feel bad for him too, but I suppose that will soon go

Edinburghpudding Thu 30-Oct-14 10:54:50

I agree with your point. It's like I've been operating at a semi-conscious level. I'm not a stupid person, but I certainly do stupid things

Pagwatch Thu 30-Oct-14 10:55:07

I think you can't get over it because it isn't going to stop, is it.
You know - obviously - he will never be faithful. He's made that obvious and you know it. So it's not about forgiving him, you are choosing to accept that this is your life from now on.

Fairenuff Thu 30-Oct-14 10:57:39

First excuse was that they belonged to another lad who had just chucked then in there when holiday was finished. Second excuse was that they'd fallen from the drawers next to the bag

What about the messaging women to meet up?

GoatsDoRoam Thu 30-Oct-14 10:59:45

Yes, you should leave.

Your gut knows that you don't want this relationship, and that he makes you deeply unhappy. This is why you can't bring yourself to be affectionate towards him. But your head is still trying to twist this in some way so that it is your fault that you can't "get over" his infidelities, and that you should just try harder.

Stop hurting yourself. You know that being with this man is damaging to your own self-respect. Leave. You will be fine and you will be able to cope: you have been a single mother before, you know you can do this. It is the right decision for your own balance and happiness.

Edinburghpudding Thu 30-Oct-14 11:04:01

I never really gave me an excuse for messaging, that they were friends or something. Or that he was drunk...or that it was his mates. Christ this is the first time I've ever seen it spelled out in front of me, I can't believe I seem so stupid

Edinburghpudding Thu 30-Oct-14 11:04:57

Thank you, I've never thought from this perspective before

Nancy66 Thu 30-Oct-14 11:08:31

one of life's golden rules: people who swear on the lives of others are ALWAYS lying.

it's something only liars actually say. Decent people never have the need to.

Oneandonlyone Thu 30-Oct-14 11:08:54

If you are at a point where you're willing to ask a forum of strangers if you should leave (or stay), then you should leave had always been my advice. Because you know at that point you shouldn't be in that relationship and just need the courage of support to DTMFA.

Nothing you've said here would convince me that this situation is different. Quite the opposite. Run, do not walk to the nearest exit door and just keep going.

DejaVuAllOverAgain Thu 30-Oct-14 11:09:59

Why should you get over it?

Like Pag says he'll never be faithful. You and your children deserve better. You're not happy, your son doesn't respect him, which is his fault btw, you'll never be able to trust him. Why should you stay with him? Because society socialise women into staying in a relationship because, no matter how crappy, it's better than the alternative? Trust me, it isn't, by ending this relationship you'll be freeing yourself up to find someone trustworthy, someone who deserves you, who can be a role model to your children. They and you deserve better than what you have now.

The above isn't me suggesting you jump into another relationship btw just that you'll have a chance of a respectful and happy relationship without this lying, cheating, deceitful 'man'.

mommy2ash Thu 30-Oct-14 11:11:45

im angry he swore on your child's life that is disgusting.

you should have left the first time it happened. I would definitely leave now

MiddletonPink Thu 30-Oct-14 11:13:21

I'm astounded you have put up with him so far tbh.

Fairenuff Thu 30-Oct-14 11:14:11

So really you knew that he was sleeping with prostitutes in Thailand but you chose to turn a blind eye because you didn't want to face up to it.

You hoped he would magically change into a decent human.

He didn't.

I didn't want to give up as by this time my son was fond of him, and I still loved him.

But he wasn't fond of your son was he. He even swore on his life that he wasn't cheating, when he was.

He will never change. He will always cheat.

Even my son has lost respect for him, which must be my fault.

No that is not your fault. Your son is right not to respect him. What is there to respect. Thankfully, your son's twatbadger radar works well.

None of this is your fault Edinburgh. But staying with him would be.

I'm not a stupid person, but I certainly do stupid things

You're not a stupid person to do stupid things. But you would be a stupid person to keep on doing the same stupid things.

Edinburghpudding Thu 30-Oct-14 11:26:09

It has got to that point.
I still Feel the need to justify myself and I still feel like there's a good person. But man does that sound annoying!
The courage is building, and as the self doubt and self esteem is waining, I think the consistent anger is pushing me to get the hell away

Edinburghpudding Thu 30-Oct-14 11:31:41

You are all right. Wtf have I been doing living as a bloody tourist in my own life.
And as if the dating sites, messages And condoms weren't enough, what about joining date sites for transexuals, making up profiles which express his interest!
Have I lost my mind over this arsehole or what, is it any wonder I'm half the person I was.
Worried about the stigma attached to having children with different fathers, who in reality actually has the time or capacity to care about this trivial issue, when I'm a good mother and a hard worker.
Thank you everyone

championnibbler Thu 30-Oct-14 11:44:20

I would have dumped him years ago. Get out while you can. You deserve better.

Fairenuff Thu 30-Oct-14 11:53:41

There's no stigma for children with different fathers, OP. They are just blended families.

But even if there was that way of thinking is all backwards. Would you rather stay together and suffer in silence to 'look good on the outside'?

Just do what is best for you and your children. Start making equiries to find out where you stand legally and financially.

ArabellaTarantella Thu 30-Oct-14 12:00:21

You put up with all that......and yet you STILL got pregnant to him hmm

You should have worried about having children with different fathers looooooong before you even GOT pregnant!

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