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Pretty sure it's DH but desperate for some reassurance . . .

(39 Posts)
greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 19:54:40

So, I'm not a regular poster but I need some advice. I have spoken (at length) to friends about this but I need some objective advice. Apologies if long.

DH and I have been married 2.5 years and have an 18 month old DD. DH works away 4 days a week. That's fine, I'm more than capable of coping alone. However, there have been a few incidents which have worried me . . . I should start this by saying that we are both quite fiery and do argue frequently, however, recently it has come to a head.

a) we had an incident when we argued and he ended up dragging me out of bed by the arm whilst he had our daughter in his arms.

b) I found out he was looking at porn online and contacting women. I know he never met up with any of these women but if I hadn't found the evidence then even he has said he's not sure . . .

This week he has said that I NAG too much (we currently live in a cottage supplied by his parents - the boiler is broken and has to be switched on manually whenever you want hot water and it's outside. It's been like this for 3 years and I have to go outside twice a day to do so - with a toddler). This is what I nag about. If I don't nag then nothing gets done. I am quite proactive and I see him as being quite lazy. He always makes excuses for not getting things done and not allowing me any time to have a lie-in or do anything I want to. I run a small business so any free time I have is spent on that. Even though he initially supported me starting the business he is now becoming resentful about paying for me and DD and constantly throws in my face the fact he supports us. He has also said that he will buy me a house to live in with DD as he thinks we should separate. But then he calls me and says he loves me and acts like a couple . . .

I am extremely confused.

magoria Wed 29-Oct-14 20:00:25

I think you should separate too. At least get yourself and your DD into a decent property.

THREE YEARS you have been asking him to sort out a proper hot water system! THREE YEARS!! That is not nagging but it clearly isn't working as he still hasn't sorted it!

He throws in your face that he supports you (but not enough to have a decent hot water system!)

He won't let you have a life of your own.

Worse of all he also is capable of physical violence with his DD there.

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:04:42

Thank you magoria. That's what I was afraid of hearing. Deep down I know it's the truth but it's so difficult - when he's lovely, he's lovely. The problem is he's been very spoilt and was a long-time bachelor when we met (he's 17 years older than me) and he just can't/won't change.
Anyway, thank you for your comment xx

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:06:13

I should also add that I have tried to fix the boiler situation but he has point blank refused to pay for any of my options, convinced he can find something cheaper.

callamia Wed 29-Oct-14 20:06:37

Relationships can, and should, be much better and less confusing.

Contacting women is disrespectful to you, and indicates something about his engagement and dedication to your relationship. He's physically inappropriate to you, an doesn't seen to want to support you, or your child. Are you happy? What do you get emotionally from being with him? It sounds like you're waiting for him to decide what happens to you. Can you take control and decide whether things can change, or if you should separate?

Purplepoodle Wed 29-Oct-14 20:09:42

Get your own place. He doesn't seem to be adding anything to your life.

sergeantmajor Wed 29-Oct-14 20:09:54

He said that he thinks you should separate. Never mind what he wants, for now. Do you want to separate? From the info given, it sounds like the relationship is on the way out. He's checked out but comes back to you for love, comfort and a boost.
That said, the problems you mention are not insuperable. But only if both your hearts are in it.
Is he really complaining about supporting his own daughter? Not many mothers of such a young child manage to work at all, hats off to you for doing so. I bet if your business takes off in a couple of years he'll wish he had hung around!
Complaining about nagging is an attempt to silence you. I despise men who use their secure economic status to dominate women who have become economically dependent on them through bearing their child.
Work out what you want first and then see if he can reliably meet even the minimum standard that you have.
Wishing you well.

ALittleFaith Wed 29-Oct-14 20:09:59

There's some pretty serious issues you've highlighted here (and I bet there's more you haven't mentioned). I think separating sounds sensible. Give yourself some breathing space so you can get perspective and decide what you want long time.

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:10:53

Callamia, I just don't know. I don't want my DD to grow up without her daddy. That happened to me and I am determined to make this work. The problem is that it seems to one-sided at the moment. I suggested counselling which he has agreed to but as he listens to no-one but himself I'm not sure how far we'll get. He's pushing me to look at other properties (which I'm doing) and now I'm thinking that being apart would be the best thing for DD. My heart is breaking. I always wanted her to have a 'together' family.

Purplepoodle Wed 29-Oct-14 20:13:33

It's utterly devastating but if he wants a split. Counselling can be very good. We had separate counselling with relate then did joint counselling. It really helped us work out what we each wanted

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:14:06

Purplepoodle, sergeantmajor and ALittle Faith, thank you so much for your advice. I know deep down what to do but the idea of doing it is ripping me apart. To feel that he wants to have his cake and eat it (me in the village and him being able to pursue his hobbies as and when and then come and be a father when he chooses). This isn't the life I signed up for when I said my vows. So disappointed.

Solasum Wed 29-Oct-14 20:14:32

That doesn't sound great OP. But as a very short term solution, can't you arrange to get the heating fixed yourself? At least then it is done.

I suspect going from bachelor life to toddler is a fairly intense change. It is relentless, and not as if you can just opt out for a few days. Is he good with DD generally?
But, it isn't easy for anyone, including you. Maybe he should go on a parenting course?

Do you think separating is the only answer? He clearly recognises there are problems, but does he accept that he is a contributor to them, not just a hapless victim?

Bonbonbonboo Wed 29-Oct-14 20:16:26

Speaking from experience, having a shit dad is worse than having no dad at all.

Solasum Wed 29-Oct-14 20:18:20

Sorry, cross posted on many points there. When you say he refuses to pay for the heating though, it sounds like you have no access to your joint money?

If you do split, that does not mean your DD will grow up without her daddy. If he is away a lot anyway, it sounds as if it wouldn't make much difference and maybe he would cope better with part-time parenting

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:19:58

Solasum. I have tried to fix the problem but at the moment, he pays the bills (my business is in its infancy) and I can't spend the money without going through him. I have had 5 quotes for a new boiler, each of which he has discarded. I feel he is dragging it out as long as possible . . .

Yes, I do completely appreciate that bachelor to toddler is no easy step, but he wanted us to get pregnant quickly. When he's not arguing with me he is adorable with her and would protect her to the end of the world. I cannot doubt his love for her.

The problem is that whenever he talks about this he says 'stop nagging then' he doesn't grasp that he's done anything wrong. I'm not perfect and know I can change which I'm willing to do - but he doesn't budge.

SIGH.

ALittleFaith Wed 29-Oct-14 20:20:08

Your daughter can grow up with a Dad even if you two aren't together, if he steps up. But you shouldn't stay in a relationship that's not working just so he's around. My DH's parents were in a very unhappy marriage and everyone agrees them splitting up was best for the kids.

Quitelikely Wed 29-Oct-14 20:20:45

Soooooo he has so much money he can buy you a house? But can't pay a few hundred pound to fix the heating?

Can't you call his parents and ask them to repair it or call a repair man yourself?

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:22:13

Bonbonbonoo - I'm sorry, but I disagree - how can you ever live with such utter disappointment? My DH would remain a father to her but we just wouldn't live together.

enWoooquethesythebearingwizard Wed 29-Oct-14 20:23:32

The housing situation and the boiler are just irritants.

Looking at porn and contacting other women and dragging you out of bed by your arm are the issues here.

I think you know what you want to do and are looking not for advice but for affirmation. You don't need affirmation to do the right thing for you and your DD.

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:23:46

Quitelikely - he owns quite a lot of properties so is asset rich, and could release capital to buy a property. However, he is extremely mean and the idea of spending £5k on a boiler is hideous to him.

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:25:35

I'm not even sure I can copy your name!! But thank you. I think you're probably right. There are long-standing issues which are bubbling to the surface thanks to recent events. Sometimes you need affirmations that you're not crazy and I don't want to split up my gorgeous baby's family for nothing.

enWoooquethesythebearingwizard Wed 29-Oct-14 20:26:57

Isn't it just a timer switch that needs replacing for the boiler? If it works when you go outside and switch it on, why do you need a full replacement and not a simple repair?

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:28:34

The stupid thing is that I don't mind him looking at porn. But I DO mind him contacting other women . . . and it was the context he used. I saw his messages and they said things like 'you look too beautiful to be from insertcounty which is the county where we live. If he'd asked to see a pair of tits or something nasty I could possibly deal with it but that's quite a sincere message - and very close to home. why would you contact someone so close to home without intent???

enWoooquethesythebearingwizard Wed 29-Oct-14 20:29:40

Do you mean me greatscott? Usually enrique but am Halloweened Up as enWoooque grin

I think you have to consider the merits of keeping an unhappy family together versus creating a separate and happier family. Which seems crazy to you?

greatscott81 Wed 29-Oct-14 20:29:50

We've tried a simple repair but the blessed thing is so old it doesn't work. Honestly, I have exhausted all options when it comes to this sodding boiler. It is the bane of my life.

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