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To feel sad that I don't have grandchildren

(64 Posts)
Vlorah Tue 28-Oct-14 11:52:22

I have two adult DCs, one is 36 in December, the other 34 in April.

Neither are married and neither have ever been in a relationship although the elder did have an on/off thing with a girl last year (more 'off' than 'on'.)

I just feel sad for then both and I know both would like to settle down and have their own families. But they don't seem able to meet people. I'm widowed so I do feel awful really that I have so few links to blood family.

I'd never dream of voicing it to them as they might not have wanted children - it's the fact they do and have not had the opportunity that breaks my heart for them.

loopyarabella Tue 28-Oct-14 11:55:39

Yanbu, a feeling is a feeling.

But let me assure you it isn't over yet. I met my partner at 36 and had my two at 37 and 39. My siblings did similar.

kinkyfuckery Tue 28-Oct-14 11:59:31

They still have time!

If you are not given any grandchildren, do you have a friend with grandkids, or a niece/nephew/etc that would be happy for you to play a similar role in their lives?

Brassrubbing Tue 28-Oct-14 12:03:47

I think you need to separate the two things, OP. It's ok to be sad if you would have liked grandchildren, and it's OK to be sorry your children haven't had fulfilling relationships if they would have liked them, but they're (presumably) well into an independent adulthood, need to make their own mistakes and have their own experiences etc - and don't 'owe' you grandchildren, or the creation of new blood links. I think I would have found it both maddening and inhibiting to think my mother thought of me as in some way a failure because I hadn't married and had a child.

My parents have four children, and their only grandchild was born when I was almost 40. They adore him, but we live in different countries, so see far less of him than they would like, so it's a pleasure and pain thing. (In my case, I left it late because I'd never wanted a child, no issues with fertility or lack of a partner. Are you entirely sure your children want children?)

Also, as others have said, it's perfectly possible it will still happen, too.

Vlorah Tue 28-Oct-14 12:03:57

No nieces or nephews and friends just remind me of what i haven't got. It isn't just the lacking grandchildren for me. It's the sadness I feel that my children are sad.

Vlorah Tue 28-Oct-14 12:05:57

Brass I have never even once voiced a desire to my children. My daughter did get pregnant by mistake and I supported her decision to have the pregnancy terminated as it was her decision.

They have both stated they feel lonely and would like relationships and families so I can only go off that.

Givemecoffeeplease Tue 28-Oct-14 12:07:04

There is still time! Good luck to them. You sound lovely. Neither of the grannies my DS has seem that keen on babysitting. Can I tap you up?!

DrewOB Tue 28-Oct-14 12:18:26

My mum has been nagging me for grandkids since my cousin popped some out at 23 ( partner 20 years older :S). I'm 28 now and engaged to be married next year and she's annoyed I didn't just decide to have kids like everyone else. You just can't please some people ;)

as a child I had "adopted" grandparents as mine were non-existant. Do you have kids around you, neighbours etc that you could dot on?

Canyouforgiveher Tue 28-Oct-14 12:21:56

I have a friend in a very similar position to you OP. She has one daughter who is in a relationship, age mid 30s but apparently very little interest in having a child. Friend would not ask her in case it was seen as pressurising her. My friend is very sad at the prospect of not having grandchildren. I think it is a very reasonable feeling - she had the pleasure of rearing her child and would love the same for her daughter, she'd love to see a baby/child in the family again, etc. Her husband, who would be a fabulous grandfather, is much less upset by it. So of course you wouldn't pressure them but I can completely understand how you feel. mine are young yet but I would be sad to think none of them would have children.

thegreylady Tue 28-Oct-14 12:22:30

There is time. My dd married at 31 and now, at 40, has an 8 year old and a 5 year old. My dsd married at 34 and now at 43 has a nine year old ds.

thegreylady Tue 28-Oct-14 12:24:22

Oh and YANBU to feel sad . Grandchildren are wonderful. I would have tried an adoptagran scheme if I had none of my own.

redexpat Tue 28-Oct-14 12:30:35

YANBU for feeling it, YWBU if you ever said it! I think you know that htough.

My parents felt the same. Then they got 3 grandchildren within 18 months. My boss at my placement was complaining that her children were slow, and I said very firmly - be careful what you say - my parents said that and got 3 in 18 months. This was in March. She will be a grandma in December!

I think I read somewhere that a charity (I want to say help the aged?) were doing an adopt a granny scheme? Would that be something?

Vlorah Tue 28-Oct-14 12:33:41

No, I don't want someone else's grandchildren, I want my own, my children's children. I think adopting someone else's would be seen as very peculiar and furthermore would probably give the message to my children I'd given up on them.

mrsdavidbowie Tue 28-Oct-14 12:36:07

I was forty when I had Ds so there IS time.
Personally I don't want to be a grandparent.

Davsmum Tue 28-Oct-14 12:38:44

My sister has been unable to have grandchildren and it really upsets her.
She really hates it when people say 'You can have some of mine,..I have too many!' She knows they are joking or trying to be kind but she doesn't want someone else's grandchildren!

Vlorah Tue 28-Oct-14 12:40:18

I can understand that davsmum.

Coumarin Tue 28-Oct-14 12:46:53

Be glad you have children. Some don't even have that.

Vlorah Tue 28-Oct-14 12:52:58

Not helpful

Nancy66 Tue 28-Oct-14 12:57:05

the average age for first time mothers in some London boroughs is 38.

most people I know had their kids over 35.

there's still time

canweseethebunnies Tue 28-Oct-14 13:00:45

As others have said, it's not over yet! And I gather that at least one of them is male, so there is definitely still time.

Summerisle1 Tue 28-Oct-14 13:05:23

I do have grandchildren because ds2 has two dd. I adore them. But that said, the remaining 4 of our combined offspring remain happily childless and, to be honest, I really never thought that becoming a grandmother was any sort of given. Let alone think that my dcs should feel under any pressure to deliver me any grandchildren.

If it happens it can be great. If it doesn't then it really isn't anything to mourn. Once your dcs are grown up you have to let them lead their own lives without any pressure to deliver you grandchildren!

Knottyknitter Tue 28-Oct-14 13:05:29

I met DP about a month before my 34th birthday. I'm now approaching 36, we've moved in to a house together and 31 weeks with dc1. There's really no need to be panicking.

Vlorah Tue 28-Oct-14 13:08:26

I think people are misunderstanding a bit.

It would be different if both my children wanted to be childless. I would respect that.

It's knowing that they don't want to be and seeing them lonely that's the hard part.

Davsmum Tue 28-Oct-14 13:22:02

Exactly Vlorah! I think people may be missing the point.

Of course we cannot expect our children to give us grandchildren but there is nothing wrong with feeling sad if they don't or can't.

Must be really sad to know that your DCs actually want their own children but are not in a position to have them.
Of course, there is still time but when you are getting older you realise how quickly time is passing and I can understand feeling panicky about it for both yourself and for them.
You also don't want them to choose the 'wrong' partners just because they want a child.
Sometimes we have no choice but to accept things as they are, however much we want something - but I think it is good to be able to voice your concerns and your worries rather than bottle it up.
I hope your DCs find the right people for them, OP.

Chippednailvarnish Tue 28-Oct-14 13:38:46

Maybe they do want to be childless but given your very emotional position they just don't want to tell you it.

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