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To have taken down all ds's baby and toddler photos because it causes me actual physical pain to look at them?

(196 Posts)
Lovedmywildway Sat 25-Oct-14 22:29:43

He was so small and precious and now that time has all gone. I look at him and it actually causes my heart to feel like it's broken, that precious time I will never get back.
I know it's completely linked to my total and utter infertility and that he will be my only one, I'm really struggling to let go. I look at the photos and think how lucky I was then, how happy we were and now everything's just horrible and miserable and dark.

NotYouNaanBread Sat 25-Oct-14 22:34:28

I didn't want to read & run. I'm very sorry that you feel this way, but while on the one hand I see where you are coming from, you also seem to be taking it more to heart than might be usual. How old is your son? Have you told anybody in real life about feeling this way? It might be helpful to talk to your GP about it.

ChasedByBees Sat 25-Oct-14 22:35:16

That's really sad. He's still your DS and his needs are different to then, but he still needs your love now.

I would honestly consider counselling as it sounds like this could cause a real barrier between you.

Lovedmywildway Sat 25-Oct-14 22:36:24

He's 5.
I just feel so sad all the time, there's no respite from it. Im just waiting for something awful to happen. Everything feels sinister and hopeless.

I know I need to stop it, people have worse problems than mine.

BlinkAndMiss Sat 25-Oct-14 22:38:37

I can't imagine how hard infertility must be, I won't pretend to understand but it is always hard seeing our little ones grow up and I do find this part very difficult. Another baby would be different, I'd see it as mourning the end of babyhood for your DS rather than linking it completely to infertility. I actually cry when I look at DS's newborn pictures because I miss my newborn. He's almost 2.

Have you had any support with grieving for your fertility? I can understand the wanting to avoid the baby photographs but I think there must be a way of confronting the issue rather than trying to avoid it. You will see the love and the happy times in those photographs and feel good about it again, it's a shame that you're going through such a hard time.

Lovedmywildway Sat 25-Oct-14 22:41:52

No they recommended it after our last failed Ivf cycle but it just isn't for me. I feel pathetic going and whinging to a stranger about things (am doing it on mn instead). I just think how happy we were before we knew we were hopelessly infertile. I know people have worse issues to contend with, I know that and yet somehow it doesn't bloody help.

Everything feels ruined.

BlackDaisies Sat 25-Oct-14 22:41:56

There is something so special about that lovely toddler age, but there's a different special feeling about later ages too. I love seeing my daughter grow up and finding her feet in the world, and watching my son learn to do all those amazing things like riding his bike, asking endless questions about the world, and reading his first books.

You sound really down. I don't think this is just about your ds's age. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you're feeling?

waithorse Sat 25-Oct-14 22:42:43

You're post has really touched me. I'm sorry you feel like this. Please remember your son will always need you whatever his age. Be good to yourself. thanks

BlinkAndMiss Sat 25-Oct-14 22:42:53

It's not as simple as stopping yourself from feeling bad, please don't blame yourself. You're having a perfectly normal reaction to something very difficult. I do think contacting your GP would be useful for you, things feeling sinister and hopeless can be a sign of depression.

You don't have to feel this bad and please know that there are so many other people who feel the same way. Your problem is not irrelevant just because there are other problems in the world, you do matter you know. I'm so sorry you're struggling.

Cabrinha Sat 25-Oct-14 22:43:24

When my 5yo was younger, and changing so rapidly, I do remember feeling a kind of grief, because I felt I was losing her. At least, losing that age of her. Of course every new version was just as good (or better!) so it was bearable. But it did feel weird, and it was definitely grief. But it was fleeting. And just a weird sort of sadness for a moment, then move on. I haven't felt it in maybe 2 years, I think because the pace of change is so much less.

But look, what's happening for you is extreme. You're probably not grieving losing that age of your son, you're grieving that you won't have any more. (me either : 1x IVF child will be my only one)

You MUST get counselling. Don't let your grief about not having a second child ruin your time - and maybe relationship - with your first.

It doesn't matter that other people have it worth. Yeah, they do. But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't real. Get some help, it will make a difference.

BlackDaisies Sat 25-Oct-14 22:43:58

Oh I'm so sorry. I read your post really quickly and didn't take in the infertility. That must be so tough.

Lovedmywildway Sat 25-Oct-14 22:46:44

I can't just enjoy ds because all the time I'm thinking "he will be grown soon and that will be it, soon he won't want to spend any time with me, all the best times are gone" and so it just ruins everything. I always feel like im waiting for something awful to happen. I'm convinced ds is going to die and then I won't have any children. It makes me anxious. Irrationally anxious.

Stripylikeatiger Sat 25-Oct-14 22:47:01

At 5 he still is still so little, I was assuming your son was a 15 year old who only grunted at you. You are still so lucky, you have a son and he is the same person as the baby/toddler in those photos just with different interests and needs.

Could you put some more recent photos up of the two of you doing some fun things? Maybe you could make some paintings for the wall together so you have something current to focus on.

skylark2 Sat 25-Oct-14 22:49:42

"Irrationally anxious."

This is why you need to speak to someone about it. You know it's not rational and you feel that way anyway. At that point, you need help and it's okay to ask for it.

FWIW, and I know it won't help when your concerns aren't rational in the first place, DD is 18 and just came home from uni, not because she hates it, but because she wanted to spend the weekend with us.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 25-Oct-14 22:51:38

I mean this with total respect and care - you need to go to the gp and ask for help with your mental health. Your fears and anxieties around your child are out of proportion and overshadowing the things that should be bringing you joy in life.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 25-Oct-14 22:52:18

But you have him.

Most people who are infertile dont have any children. Im sorry I dont mean to sound snippy, and I am trying to be empathetic that you are unable to have any more dcs, but you need to start counting your blessings.

Blu Sat 25-Oct-14 22:54:46

It's not shingling, OP, it's important.

You sound so distressed, which is not surprising . And I'm sorry for your predicament.

But you must get hp. For a start it may be that all that IVF has caused your hormones to go out of kilter and you sound depressed. That is an actual condition, and it can be cured with the help of your GP. Since you have your grief to bear, why struggle with depression making that journey even harder ?

And also , there is your little boy. He is still precious. It isn't his fault he is growing and it isn't his fault he can't stay at the baby stage and be your next child too. Young children love seeing pictures of themselves as toddlers and hearing stories of themselves. Your little boy will quickly pick up that you wish he was tiny, and not as be us. How will that make him feel?

This is not your fault, OP, it is a cruel twist if random biology. Keep talking on MN but please also go and see your GP and talk about the aftermath if IVF and the effect in your life.

So sorry it's all so hard.

Lovedmywildway Sat 25-Oct-14 22:54:50

Nothing brings me any joy in life. I just wait for each to to be over and then do the same thing the next day, and the next, and the next.
I kind of assumed everyone felt like that? That's just life isn't it? One crappy event after another?

Yes I know we are lucky to have ds. God knows how he even happened since we've been told that even Ivf won't work for us.

BertieBotts Sat 25-Oct-14 22:56:53

Come on, how is it helpful to berate the OP for being upset, it's not her fault.

OP put the pictures away, there will be another day that you'll be able to look at them with happiness. 5 is so little and they are still really babies - you can see it when they are sleeping.

Please see your GP, focusing on this is robbing you of the lovely times now with your DS, which are there building the foundation for all of the time he will want to spend with you as an older child/teenager/adult. Which he will.

Bogeyface Sat 25-Oct-14 22:57:34

*Nothing brings me any joy in life. I just wait for each to to be over and then do the same thing the next day, and the next, and the next.
I kind of assumed everyone felt like that*

They dont. I think you need to see your GP because it sounds like you have depression. Its not surprising after all you have been through, but you really do need help with this as it wont just go away.

mommy2ash Sat 25-Oct-14 22:58:22

I think you need to find help to cope with this as you do have your son right now as a little boy who needs you and you should be enjoying this time with him. it is irrational and it will get better.

BertieBotts Sat 25-Oct-14 22:58:51

No it's not normal to feel like that and most people don't feel that way.

Lovedmywildway Sat 25-Oct-14 23:00:07

I know I'm feeling worse because Im finally going back to work after being a sahm mum.
It means that we are completely giving up on pursuing a second child and it also means I will see less of ds because he will be in child care. I've convinced myself something awful will happen to him in child care and it will be my fault for going back to work. It also really truly means that the really special part where he needed me is gone. I mean I know he has to be more independant, that's what children do they grow up and o do know that. It's just i always stupidly thought I'd have two or three children, a proper brood and it hasn't worked out like that.

Stripyhoglets Sat 25-Oct-14 23:00:46

You sound depressed with what you said in your last post, you have a lot to deal with. Please see your doctor so you can get some help and enjoy this phase of your DSs life as much as you did the baby days, take care.

YonicScrewdriver Sat 25-Oct-14 23:01:15

OP, you have so much going on for you right now. I would consider going to the GP as it might be good to see if your hormones are back in balance after IVF.

Would it help to buy a really nice box and pop the photos in them for now and splash out on a photoshoots/friend with good camera to get some pics of you and DS today doing something ace - jumping in puddles maybe?

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