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about this email? (wedding related)

(203 Posts)
bridesmaidrevisited Mon 20-Oct-14 08:34:11

6 weeks or so ago I was bridesmaid for a close friend.

I don't live nearby to friend so there were a few issues on the leadup to the wedding where I wasn't always able to be as available as the bride might have wanted (I also have a pretty demanding ft job, 2 dc etc, unlike the bride and other bridesmaids). There were also a few last minute hiccups with things being cancelled, offers to pay for stuff being withdrawn, because they hadn't budgeted properly and had significantly overspent.

Anyway, all that was by the by, the actual day went pretty well (barring the fact that because of the location by 10pm all but 15 of the guests had gone). I and other friends enjoyed it as did b & g's family members I spoke to.

Out of the blue yesterday I received a ranty email from the bride, basically saying how I and another bm were rude and disrespectful (and 'everyone' said how ignorant they thought our behaviour was) and how we had spoilt her day, which she referred to as 'ok'...

Her issue was that we were late for photos taken before we left the hotel for the venue. We hadn't been told there were going to be photos at hotel, just we needed to be ready for 12 30-12.45 for the wedding car. On the day we got a call at 12.15 saying photos now, but we weren't even dressed (as had spent previous 20 mins trying to sort out missing transport for other guests which bride had apparently arranged but didn't turn up. Plus we thought we had til 12.30 at least.

I feel really quite offended by both tone and content of her email. On the day it was me, my bf and the other bm who were the ones making sure she and the groom had drinks, Id put together little gift bags for all the kids at the wedding with sticker books and stuff, we got them playing games on the eve, and got people up dancing. Other bm did all the wedding favours. We both stayed til the end even though the other bms did less and left earlier, and we're the ones being moaned at for being late to photos we didn't even know were happening.

Haven't replied yet, am tempted to tell her exactly what I think but suspect it will kick off ww3....wwyd?

SolomanDaisy Mon 20-Oct-14 08:36:46

I'd reply telling her the truth.

SauvignonBlanche Mon 20-Oct-14 08:37:29

shock Is she on glue?

R4roger Mon 20-Oct-14 08:37:39

i wouldnt do anything. No point in stirring.
Perhaps you could reply you are hurt by her comments or something.

pictish Mon 20-Oct-14 08:39:23

I'd reply honestly.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet Mon 20-Oct-14 08:39:24

Well, partly it depends how much you want to retain this friendship.

But either way, I think it would be fair to respond with the facts - try and keep emotion out of it - and say that you "appreciate how she feels however..." and lay out exactly what you've said here.

Particularly the part that you and the other bm stuck around sorted out lots for her on the day.

If she can't appreciate the effort you went to, I think perhaps consider if your friendship will be able to last the distance.

WooWooOwl Mon 20-Oct-14 08:40:10

I agree that you should reply telling her the truth.

Tell her that you're sorry she feels let down, but that you won't be made to feel guilty for her lack of organisation in telling you about a change of times for you to be ready, and that you will forgive her for not thanking you for sorting out the transport arrangements that she messed up for her other guests.

Ohfourfoxache Mon 20-Oct-14 08:42:31

Would it matter if it resulted in ww3? Would you really want her in your life after this? (Or at least to the extent that she is now)?

Plan your response according to the outcome you want. If you want to go ape and if you're happy not to have her in your life, let rip.

longtallsally2 Mon 20-Oct-14 08:43:03

A simple reply reflecting back and acknowledging her concerns, if you ever want a relationship with this person again (I wouldn't!) but giving her a bit to think about:

I am sorry that you feel like that, and that there was a misunderstanding over the timing of the photographs. Maybe you had told me that we were needed for 12.15 but I really wasn't aware of that arrangement.

I enjoyed putting together the gift bags for the children, and organising the children's games. I hope that by getting you and Fred drinks on the day and organising the transport for X and Y, that I contributed in some way to helping make your day go well. However you clearly feel that I should have been doing something different on the day and you are left with bad feelings. That's a shame - it was a lovely wedding and I hope that it will be the start of a wonderful life for you and Fred.

Best wishes

UptheChimney Mon 20-Oct-14 08:48:33

Wow! longtallsally that is the most brilliant reply to a difficult situation I've ever read. Calm & caring but straightforward. I can see myself plagiarising that thanks

KnackeredMuchly Mon 20-Oct-14 08:49:53

If you wanted to remain close I'd reply saying that you felt you had done your best and you're sad she looks back on her wedding day sadly. You didn't mean to give her extra stress but you were aiming to be ready at 12.30 and you had no idea pre photos were due.

With all the love in the world, it was a fabulous day but a little disorganised, you enjoyed it very much and you went above and beyond to help it run smoothly, you're sorry you couldn't have done more.

If I wanted to be her friend that's what I'd write, but I'd be very sorely tempted to tell her to fuck off!!!

R4roger Mon 20-Oct-14 08:54:52

Agree with longtallsally's response.

CeliaFate Mon 20-Oct-14 08:57:30

Yes, I like that longtallsally - it's polite, factual, with a subtle subtext of "up yours, I did loads".

Thumbwitch Mon 20-Oct-14 09:00:41

longtallsally's reply is a masterpiece of diplomacy. Send that.
And also add in the other BM's helping factors as well for good measure.

She sounds like a complete brat, by the way and I'd probably tail off the friendship after an email like that.

fluffyraggies Mon 20-Oct-14 09:05:18

Wow - a newlywed-zilla! A new concept.

I can sometimes see how a bride to be can get caught up in the frenzy to have a perfect day and tread on toes before the event ... but afterwards? After the big day and after the honeymoon she's ranting about stuff like this? shock

Send the email suggested above and then cut ties OP.

pictish Mon 20-Oct-14 09:05:32

Another vote for Sally's reply.

LittleBairn Mon 20-Oct-14 09:07:36

I vote Longsally as the MN Diplomatic Correspondence official.

temporaryusername Mon 20-Oct-14 09:08:07

longtallsally 's reply looks good!

Most people are so happy on their wedding day, if tiny things like that ruined it I'd start to wonder if she should have married this guy.

LiverpoolLou Mon 20-Oct-14 09:11:47

You're all way too nice. I'd go with SauvignonBlanche's 'Are you on glue'.

Only1scoop Mon 20-Oct-14 09:13:09

Did she really describe the day as 'ok'....

Is she 12?

She sounds awful.

I think Sally's polite email is quite effective but if you feel she is looking for a fight do nothing.

Has other bm had an email also??

PrettyLittleMitty Mon 20-Oct-14 09:19:13

Has the other bm that she's referring to received the same email? I'd get in touch with her and see if she has and if so, how she has responded too. She is being ungrateful and spoilt and I would be tempted to tell her so.

tibbysmum Mon 20-Oct-14 09:21:11

longtallsally - can you come and run my life please? smile

Mmmicecream Mon 20-Oct-14 09:25:09

I'd tell her the truth. Chances are she's already decided that you and the other BM are to blame for her day being ruined, rather than looking at herself/her DH and asking herself why, on the day she's getting married, something like this matters so much at all. Had she been really enjoying the rest of the wedding, you being "late" would't have mattered. So, you might as well say your piece before she festers even more.

cozietoesie Mon 20-Oct-14 09:26:58

longtallsally's possible response is excellent. I'd keep it to that and let the rest of it lie. Some people feel a bit 'down' after a wedding because they've been the centre of attention for many months and suddenly they're 'ordinary' and expected to just get on with life. She may be trying to keep the excitement going for herself.

(If so, it's going to be interesting to see how she reacts to any new baby after the wedding. I suspect a Baby-Shower-Zilla is heading your way.)

WhereTheWildlingsAre Mon 20-Oct-14 09:37:16

Wow!! Sounds like she is looking for people to blame as to why her day was 'ok' and you're it!!

I like longtallsally's response too. And also think it's worth checking out what the other BM has had sent to her.

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