To have a weird sense that I am not living where I am meant to be?(175 Posts)
OK, I know this is a total First World Problem. I have a healthy DS, a job which is ok ( not great, but ok), and a decent relationship with DH. Lots and lots to be thankful for.
But... I never wanted to live where I do. I have lived in places which I genuinely loved in the past and it brought something really important to my day to day life.
It isn't awful but it just doesn't feel like my home and never has - it was always meant to be temporary. But ten years on, we are still here. It works for everyone else and DH thinks I have a bad case of 'the grass is always greener' but... I don't love it. It doesn't feel right.
I have just turned 40 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life just makes me want to cry. Does anyone else get this?
It's not silly to feel like this. I really really love the village I live in - that's such an important thing to me. Can I ask, do you mean you dislike the house itself, or the specific area, or the region, or even the country? (All could be valid reasons to be discontent, I think. But some are easier to solve than others.)
First you need to identify where you think you should be living and see how your husband feels about it.
We feel the same, but in our case its due to economic factors. If I still had the house before I divorced many moons ago we would be in a very different situation. We now don't like our house/area but don't have the choice to move, so are trying to love it a bit more...
40 is hardly past a change you know. My life is always in flux...I'm 42. I don't even OWN a home.
Do what you want...change things.
I think if you feel this strongly, you must discuss the options with DH.
I completely understand you though. We have just bought in a city we have lived in for 10 years, after initially planning to leave. I was disappointed at first, if I'm honest, but have decided to focus on The Now and enjoy it. You never know what is around the corner. If we're still here in ten years, and I feel like you do, I would definitely want to do something about it.
Would you and your DH get jobs easily enough in another location?
Absolutely, I feel exactly the same about where we live now. So we're moving.
I'm 40 too and I wouldn't expect to find the place I want to live for the rest of my life for at least another 10 years or so.
Approaching 40 no home if my own (long line of rented property and locations) and no children....i keep my hope
YANBU. Place is one of those things that just matters to some people. I have always been weirdly passionate about places and buildings that I have lived in, perhaps due to growing up in a wonderful old house in a beautiful part of the country. Right now I am living in a cosy flat with the kind of view out of the kitchen window that makes me happy to be alive. I get daily pleasure from the place I exist in and that is important to me, and I wouldn't be happy to give that up when we inevitably have to move on (sniff).
Different things manage to different people - wanting to be able to really love the place you live clearly matters to you and so long as you can achieve that without massive disruption to those in your life, I don't see that as a problem, or as unreasonable, in any way at all.
I think the thing is that I really love beautiful places - whether the country or old cathedral cities or by the sea. But DHs job is welded to London and the kind of suburb we can afford is pretty grubby and run down. Plus I feel totally hemmed in in London - I need green! The alternative though means making him commute all the time which is also a soul-killer. There doesn't seem to be a good answer and I feel stuck! But then, there are lots and lots if people who cannot afford a home at all so I feel an ungrateful little sod.
I would hate to live in the country;horses for courses and all that.ocelot if you're really not happy then make every effort to either move or in some way compromise.You can not spend the next 30 plus years being at odds with your habitat.It's very unhealthy.Fortunately DH and me come from the same large Industrial city and after further education in a different town moved back here where all of our families are.We love our city and would be quite miserable anywhere else.Good luck.
Thanks folks. I was beginning to think I was just weird for feeling this way.
I hated where our first house was as I hardly knew anyone. DH said it would be no better if we moved. Well he was wrong. I'd look round at all the possiblities and see if you can come up with somewhere you can afford but you like better than your present area.
Can I ask those of you who have moved or are moving a/ the kinds of places you have moved to ( rough descriptions will do, no need to out yourselves) b/ if your partners felt the same way or differently?
I feel like this. I like my town well enough, and everythings convenient and on paper it looks great, but i need to move, in my soul. I need countryside and some mountains and water and clean air
ocelot we lived in city in the North West which was killing us both as we are country folk at heart. We upped sticks 7 years ago and settled in a beautiful, very rural county in the West of England and would never, ever leave. It absolutely feels like home even though neither of us come from this area originally.
So what will you do Branleuse? At the risk of sounding totally woo, it feels like that strong to me too. I have friends who J love here, it is convenient, but it does the opposite of nurture me. I HATE when I come back from a holiday or even a day away - it feels like I am being locked ba k into a cage
Oh, ocelot, this strikes a chord.You're just one of those people, like me, to whom physical surroundings and aesthetics are very important.
I was brought up in one of the dormitory towns of the South East and, apologies anyone who lives round there, but it is fucking fucking horrible, and I attribute a lot of my teenage depression to that. Every time we go back to visit I can feel the same depression creeping back again. It just seems to be an endless series of retail parks, roundabouts, horrible housing estates built with no aesthetic considerations whatsoever.
I left at the age of 16 and ended up in Italy- absolutely penniless, scratching a living as a pavement artist- but happy. Now we live in Cornwall, where wages are rock bottom (yet housing costs not)- we don't have much money, but who needs it when there's beauty round every corner?
I hear you stubbornstains! ( Great username BTW). But what do you do when your DH just isn't like that at all?
Me too. I have lived here for over ten years. After five I started getting itchy feet. We are hoping to move soon to a new area. I can't imagine how some people spend their whole lives in the same place.
Not at all weird, OP. I am 42, and we are living on the edge of a picture-perfect village with bell ringers and thatched roofs, surrounded by pretty countryside, but I regard it as a temporary aberration for a year or two until we move somewhere either on the coast and beautiful, or a big city with a symphony orchestra and art. The difference is that we will certainly be moving on at some point soonish, so I'm enjoying the good things, while inwardly groaning at others.
I know I'm in the wrong country.
I don't know how I know, I just do. I should be in The States, again, no idea why, I just do and I've never even been there...I know it's where I should be.
I hate where I live for a number of reasons but am trapped here for at least another 8 years...provided everything all goes to plan.
Hmmmmmmm.....I suppose that would be one of the positives of being a single laydee! . (Actually, I'm not any more, but I met DP down here).
Erm....suggest holidays to DP in places where you'd like to live? Get chatting to people who've made the move and see how they handle it? Do you have kids? Because, given the cost of childcare in the SE, it seems all too easy to be funnelled into SAHM-hood, and then you'll have to be spending dreary hours tramping back and forth through the suburbs with a buggy....
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