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To be annoyed and irritated by this question!

(19 Posts)
Moobaloo Mon 29-Sep-14 20:31:29

No real point to this post, but this happened again the other day and it reminded me how annoying it was.

I met a total stranger whilst having coffee out who cooed over my 4 month old asleep in his sling and asked the usual "is he good?" (That's a whole other thread!) and "how old is he?" Questions, then asked "are you feeding him?"

Now AIBU to think this is really quite unnecessary?

Obviously she meant breastfeeding, I just said yes and she smiled and nodded and said he was cute and moved on. HOWEVER I know if I was ff and had said No I'd have felt judged and like I had to explain my decision to this stranger. Maybe this is my problem and most others wouldn't care? But I know I would. I have nothing against ff and very nearly ended up doing it due to issues with ds's traumatic birth and latch problems and my flat nipples, but if I had there's no way a stranger needs to know all that! I know you could just say No (it's a complete sentence!) but I personally would want to explain why and I really don't need to be talking to a stranger about my flat nipples hmm

What would she have said if I'd said "No, I formula feed" anyway? Unless she was VERY rude she probably would've smiled and nodded just the same, so it didn't need asking!

Anyway. Sorry to start another bf/ff topic but it has been playing on my mind.

I know AIBU to be so bothered but bfing has been a hard slog for me and if I had ff (still might) I personally would feel bad being asked that question. Sorry. Shoot me down for having no balls.

UncleT Mon 29-Sep-14 20:33:12

You don't have to give an answer in order to be judged. As it's none of her business, tell her so and avoid the whole thing.

phantomnamechanger Mon 29-Sep-14 20:33:51

I think you're probably overthinking this - IME people just like cooing over and making small talk over babies

textingdisaster Mon 29-Sep-14 20:35:43

YANBU - an oddly intrusive question. I might ask a baby's name and age but I would not ask a stranger whether they were bf or ff confused.

In any case, the answer was always going to be yes as of course you're feeding him - how is not really that person's business.

LadyLuck10 Mon 29-Sep-14 20:36:44

I think it's you tbh. Why would you feel/ allow someone to judge you. You assumed that if you said ff then she would have judged you, why make such an assumption and then work yourself up over it.
It seems like she just made small talk. Not worth pondering over.

Liara Mon 29-Sep-14 20:37:23

Well, I get what you are saying, but it's also true that it is nice for bf mothers to get some positive feedback for a change.

More often than not, ff is treated as the norm and bf as somehow weird, and it's a relief when the opposite is the case.

Buzkashi Mon 29-Sep-14 20:39:11

LadyLucky but it's not a completely wild assumption. FFing parents do, in my experience at least, expect to be judged, because they are judged. Not saying BFing parents don't. Tbh, if you are feeding your baby, in any way at all, you'll be judged.

NancyJones Mon 29-Sep-14 20:40:13

I would have assumed she meant, 'are you feeding him now?' Rather than are you BF him tbh. That's certainly what I'd think if someone asked me the same. I'd assume they were thinking how useful a sling was for feeding.

Littlef00t Mon 29-Sep-14 20:41:59

I agree, it sets you up to be defensive about ffeeding.

I find the phrase 'are you feeding her yourself' as a way of asking about bf v odd and grating. Cos obv you have to hire someone else to give bottles.

evelynj Mon 29-Sep-14 20:48:03

V odd for a stranger I think & yes I'd've been offended though I probably also think that as a mother some people feel more entitled to ask & discuss thinks that non mothers wouldn't. Tbh I find it difficult to talk about the right things. I don't mind the 'is she good' question - now my dd -15 months is a total dream baby whereas Ds who is 4 was a nightmare-doesn't mean I love him any less. I think we just need to be open & honest-generally people are just trying to be nice & if we're not hostile, we can respond honestly & try not to let hormones make us too enraged or upset!

MiddletonPink Mon 29-Sep-14 20:52:27

You are way over thinking this.
To a strange degree. It's just people making small talk.

That's it.

Rusticated Mon 29-Sep-14 20:56:24

I'd have to disagree with ff being seen as a norm. Or not where I lived in middle-class North London when I had my son. I wasn't able to bf, despite trying absolutely everything, and was frequently publicly questioned and judged for ffing. As I was desperately guilty about ffing anyway, the hostile comments and queries contributed to making the first several months of his life hellish, and it still upsets me to this day.

I would never in my wildest dreams judge anyone for the way they feed their baby.

Liara Mon 29-Sep-14 20:58:04

Rusticated, middle class north London is very, very far from the norm (and yes I have lived there).

MiddletonPink Mon 29-Sep-14 21:05:20

But the question ' are yout feeding him " imo wasn't to judge. The woman asked other non judgey questions.

She was probably just lonely passing the time over a cute baby.

glenthebattleostrich Mon 29-Sep-14 21:06:42

When asked this I used to smile and say of course, Social Services get quite cross if you don't.

(I BF for 3 years but seriously, how is that anyone elses business?)

Cantbelievethisishappening Mon 29-Sep-14 21:12:48

Crikey.... does it really matter?? I cannot understand why so many people get so wrapped around the whole feeding hoo ha. hmm

Only1scoop Mon 29-Sep-14 21:14:26

She was probably just making conversation....

Some people just seem to do that

mewkins Mon 29-Sep-14 21:23:02

No one has asked me that (have a 3mo ds) but me and my friend were laughing the other day at how people feel the need to pass comment any time a baby cries. I always get people saying ' ooh he must be hungry'.. no idea why as he is a chunky thing and certainly doesn't look malnourished! People just can't keep their thoughts to themselves when it comes to babies!

NancyJones Mon 29-Sep-14 21:28:53

So is it just me who thinks that if someone asks if I'm feeding the baby they mean, well, am I feeding him rather than am I feeding him.

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