Am I the unreasonable, heartless bitch I feel I am?

[MistressChalk]

So DP and I have been going through a really tough time over the past few months and are trying to see out the shit storm. We are both grieving and it's really taking it out of me, I'm physically and mentally exhausted and nauseous and I think my psychosis has been triggered by this. Basically I am totally falling apart but desperately trying to keep my life together as well as hold up the other people around me that need support. I've been falling asleep at work and throwing up all day every day and my DP hasn't been going at all. I've been trying not to mention it as he is obviously struggling and can't face it and I'm trying to give him room to grieve. He constantly asks me to rub his neck, back, head. Always while I'm snoozing or reading a book and I know it's petty but it's started to become fucking irritating. This morning it kicked off because I wouldn't make him a cup of tea, because I was enjoying my lie in reading my book and relaxing for once. I'm afraid I snapped and said he'd been doing fuck all all week so why couldn't he get up and make his own tea and leave me alone. It was a very harsh thing to say and I know he's really grieving so I feel awful but I'm so fucked off and tired I can't be arsed with this. AIBU?

[MistressChalk]

That's long, I do apologise. I just needed to let it out!

[Billben]

Sorry to hear you are going through this awful time, but you are right. IT's not just him that's grieving but you as well. We all find different ways to cope. I would have done the same. In fact, I don't think my husband would dare ask me for a cup of tea if he saw me reading or relaxing (whether I was grieving or not). He knows what my answer would be.

[thicketofstars]

Obviously you were harsh in how you replied, but feeling irritated is a natural part of grief and you should acknowledge that together. However, I think you were right to say 'no' because you are grieving just as your husband is. You'll be doing him no favours to encourage a dynamic where he is the grieving, fragile one and you're looking after him. He needs to stand on his own feet to process what's happening. It's not reasonable for him to disturb you regardless of what you're doing. When you want some me-time, why not say, 'I'm going to sit down and enjoy a break for half an hour now, the world can keep turning under it's own steam for that long!'

[ALittleFaith]

There's a difficulty when you're both grieving that you can end up almost with competitive grief, who is worse off? Are you sure you should be at work? You sound like you're struggling. Or is getting out the only peace you have?

[EverythingIsAwesome]

Was your DH really busy when he asked you to make him a tea? Or did he just fancy having a servant?

[PiperIsOrange]

I think you both could do with visiting a doctor and you having so e time off work

[pluCaChange]

Maybe your outburst will help break the very unhealthy- and unsustainable-sounding equilibrium which seems to have developed. Neither of you can carry on as yiu are, so some sort of prompt for a discussion/ fight/ catharsis was clearly needed. Hope you can make use of the chance to help change things!

[MistressChalk]

Oh thank you all for your replies! I made him a cup of tea in the end and huffed around giving him silent treatment (childish I know) until he came and gave me a big cuddle. I think I need to be at work as difficult as it is physically I like to be busy and able to sink my brain into something but obviously he struggles. Our relationship has a few things that need working on as it is but I feel now is definitely not the time to discuss these, but they still gnaw away at me and I feel I'm going to snap soon with a broken heart from grieving and a struggling relationship. I feel selfish thinking of my needs over his grief.

[dreamingbohemian]

Do you have any other support, either of you? If you are both grieving, it's not going to be possible to support the other person totally. Do you have any friends or family to lean on? Can you go to the GP or find support groups?

I would sort of visualise it as: this is the large amount of grieving and support I need. This is the small amount my partner can help with, this is the amount I think I can cope with myself, and this is the amount I need to find other help with.

[HandbagCrazy]

OP sometimes you need to put yourself first. Looking after yourself and him means you wont have time to heal and there is nothing selfish in acknowledging that.

I really think you could both benefit from a visit to the GP. If he genuinely cannot manage work, the GP can sign him off, and its not going to do any harm for the GP to discuss ways to help you both.

Are you sleeping? Are you managing to eat? Can you maybe get outside and go for a walk together? Sometimes, doing these basic things help. They wont ease the grief but the will at least get you to a place where you can begin to process it. Also, not sure if its the same for you, but with me and DH, issues that are irritating inside the house, take on a completely different perspective if we talk about them away from home. We've solved many issues whilst walking the dogs because its time away from the situation inside the house.

Sorry for your loss