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Or is my mum I.e DC calling her new DP Grandad...

(11 Posts)
mousehop Wed 03-Sep-14 17:02:52

DM has been with her DP for six months. She told me they were dating end of April so I've known about it for four months. I've met him three times, the first time was six-ish weeks ago. I don't know him at all and I'd hazard a guess DM doesn't know him all that well after six months together... However she does have prior for moving way too quickly in relationships. They seem to be currently glued to one another, we haven't seen DM without him attached since we first met him. For another thread I guess.

The problem is- DH and I are NC with our Fathers for various complex but worthy reasons. It's not ideal, I wish it wasn't that way but it means DC don't have a Grandfather. DD (3) assumed that the man with her DGM was grandad the second time they visited, I had to spend a long time sat with her explaining what a Grandad is and how he isn't hers, he's just Grandma's 'special friend'. I thought she'd grasped it but clearly not because yesterday when they visited again DD ran over to him shouting Grandad! To which my DM said "Aww DP, you're Grandad now!" In a jokey way, I gently reminded DD that he isn't Grandad and to call him 'DP'. All was ok until they were about to leave and my DM said to DD "Go give Grandad a cuddle." Most definitely not in a jovial manner hmm. So I firmly told DM "he's not Grandad, you can't tell her that. It confuses her, I had to spend a long time explaining to her who he is and why he's not Grandad." Mum just replied "well it was DD who called him Grandad." And they left.

It's been irritating me ever since. Once again I had to reiterate to DD when they left who he was and not to call him Grandad. I wouldn't mind so much if it was her DP of years who was my stepfather and I loved him like a father but calling her DP of six months Grandad is not on, is it? Aibu to be so annoyed over this?

Janethegirl Wed 03-Sep-14 17:28:23

No I don't think you're being unreasonable, I'd feel the same. Your dm may turn up with a string of 'grandads' over the next few years and that may be harder to explain to your dcs

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 03-Sep-14 17:30:02

YANBU, my mum has been with her partner for 16 years, my DD still calls him by his first name and my EXFIL Grandad.

Lee32 Wed 03-Sep-14 17:36:49

YANBU. I'd be annoyed too if my DM egged my child on to do something I had specifically told her not to. But be careful how much you actually say, because making an issue of this could create more problems than it solves. Try not to let DD see how strongly you feel about it, which is only going to make her tense, and wait to see whether the trouble escalates or calms down.

CrohnicallyPissedOff Wed 03-Sep-14 17:37:10

YANBU. My dad has children from a previous marriage (my half siblings). Even though my mum and dad have been together for over 30 years, their children call my dad 'grandad' and my mum by a nickname based on her first name rather than any form of grandma. So not as formal as 'Suzanne' more like 'Suzy'.

mousehop Wed 03-Sep-14 17:40:11

Phew, glad I'm not being unreasonable...

I'm trying not to make a massive deal out of it with DD and go about it as calmly as I can. It's difficult to get a 3 year old to understand the logistics of very modern family living I guess wink.

You're right about string of 'Grandads' jane. It reminded me of parents you hear about that have a few partners over the years and encourage DC to call each of them mum/dad. It's confusing for children and I gather upsetting when 'grandad' suddenly disappears...

deakymom Wed 03-Sep-14 17:43:48

we combine ours for the step grandparents (the ones who are married) they are referred to as grandad and the first name so grandad bob for example but for the unmarried side they just get called by their first name in our family you're not a grandad until you put a ring on it! so no yanbu xx

Castlemilk Wed 03-Sep-14 19:31:05

You might want to point out to your mum exactly what she's saying when she encourages the 'Grandad' thing here - she's giving the message to her own grandchildren that a grandparent can easily mean someone who is virtually a stranger, just someone who turns up one day and there you go.

Is that really how she wants them to see her role? Nothing special, nothing unique, ooh anyone can be our grandparent? I wouldn't have thought so.

Point out to her that what you actually did in this situation was to remind and reiterate to your children that a grandparent is a very special title. Maybe yes, one day her partner will indeed be Grandad. But it would be nice if that word came to be used because he had earned that very special place in her grandchildren's lives, wouldn't it, rather than it meaning less than nothing?

hugoagogo Wed 03-Sep-14 19:42:01

What a great post castlemilk

Both my parents have remarried and their partners are both referred to by their first names.

Dm did lobby for ds to call my sd 'grandad', but I said it was too confusing as he already had 2 grandads. (she gave up quite quickly)

mousehop Wed 03-Sep-14 19:43:11

I never thought of it in that light castlemilk. That's a very good perspective of things. If she ever encourages it again it's definitely a point I will raise. I'm hoping that when I told her not to call him that she got the hint and won't encourage it again but we'll see...

Szeli Wed 03-Sep-14 20:24:23

my bio dad's wife is insistant on the grandma title but she's the 3rd SM I've had - even marriage doesnt suggest longevity here.

sorry to hijack but wwyd here? do i just pointedly say (on the biyearly visit) he has a grandma thankyou.

it's harder still as i HATE bio dad referred to as grandad too grrrr

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