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AIBU to have snapped at my Mum over this?

(90 Posts)
Buskermum Wed 03-Sep-14 15:31:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grocklebox Wed 03-Sep-14 15:35:56

She cares about her grandaughter. What a horror.hmm

Apologise to your ma, you were very rude to her. If you think you have a valid point, explain it nicely to her like a grown-up.

amyhamster Wed 03-Sep-14 15:41:57

it does sound like you're over rwacting

it's just what most mums are like

you'll be doing the same with your grandchildren no doubt

Boysclothes Wed 03-Sep-14 15:42:48

I too have a mum like this. When I showed her the baby backpack I'd got her first response was "what if someone runs up behind with a knife and stabs him? You won't be able to see!"

Um, yes mum, ok.

Everything is, as you say, like you don't care enough or haven't thought enough... "What if he's cold!" "Those slippers might squash his toes!" "Don't you ever worry he's too thin?" "Does the childminder cuddle him?" Etc etc about EVERYTHING. And when we go out from her house or mine, have you got wipes, nappies, a drink? Yes mum, like all the other millions of times I've left the house with him without you there.

Anyway, it's infuriating but shows she loves DS. I occasionally make a little comment for my own amusement, she's oblivious. I really do think water off a ducks back is a useful phrase here. If she's otherwise loving etc just let it go x

sunbathe Wed 03-Sep-14 15:43:06

Is your mum getting on a bit?

Bulbasaur Wed 03-Sep-14 15:43:35

Grandparents worry about their grandkids.

Did you know bears also shit in the woods?

I would talk to her about not letting her anxieties rub off on DD though, since it seems to upset her at the bus. You're suppose to be building confidence, not insecurity and unsureness.

Everything else though, it's just normal fussing over someone you love.

DownByTheRiverside Wed 03-Sep-14 15:44:48

Was she like this with you when you were a child?
I tend to deal with that sort of stuff by giving outrageously silly answers, which amused the children and me.

Redhead11 Wed 03-Sep-14 15:44:52

I don't think its helpful that she is worrying your DD, but it is nice that she is thinking about her. Having said that, that kind of interfering would annoy me totally and utterly! Take her aside and explain to her that your DD was upset. Ask her not to do it again. If she persists, then i would be pointing out that as DD has safely reached the age of 12, you are clearly well able to be a parent. Unfortunately, it may well be that you have to be very rude to your mother to get this point across.

zeeboo Wed 03-Sep-14 15:45:26

Whaaaat? Why are people getting at the OP? Im amazed it has taken you this long to snap op, that would have driven me bonnet with an 8 year old, but 12???
I totally feel your pain. Your Mum is being unreasonable and it could affect the way your DD deals with new situations in the future and that could be really detrimental. I'm glad you and your DH are together on it and are both more grounded.

zeeboo Wed 03-Sep-14 15:46:00

Driven me bonnet???? Bonkers ffs.

Rivercam Wed 03-Sep-14 15:46:19

It sounds a bit intrusive to me. It's good she cares, but I think she is over-reacting a little.

I also think some people get in the habit of saying negative things, without realising. Even if there is nothing wrong, something will be said.

Boysclothes Wed 03-Sep-14 15:48:57

Driven me bonnet totally works!

farewellfigure Wed 03-Sep-14 15:50:57

My DM does this to a lesser extent (thank goodness) and it does give me a wry smile. She admits openly that she worries more about my DS than she ever did about her own three children. I think it's the fact that she isn't responsible for him, and she doesn't have daily control. It's always harder when you're not in control of a situation... like when you have to hand over a project at work!

Anyway, I think the other posters are right. You need to talk to her about her comments affecting your DD. She needs to be aware that her comments could have a negative outcome and make your DD worry. In the meantime, a wry smile to yourself and silent comments in your thoughts might help to keep yourself sane.

RiverTam Wed 03-Sep-14 15:52:06

gosh, well, maybe DD's GPs are very laissez-faire, but I can't imagine any of them saying stuff like this, I think they think we fuss to much as it is! (they are Parents of the 70s, though)

Would drive me nuts, OP. YANBU, she's projecting her anxieties all over the place. Is she this anxious about her own life, or when you were small?

ScarlettlovesRhett Wed 03-Sep-14 15:53:21

She sounds very hard work to me!

I would apologise to keep the peace, but use it as an opener to letting her know that you think she worries too much etc.

It's not worth falling out over, but I see why you're pissed off.

AdoraBell Wed 03-Sep-14 15:55:15

I can understand your frustration, I had a parent like that and ILs are very similar. It's her anxiety over something coming through. It's annoying to us as parents but I do think you were a bit U.

Think about how you would react to someone being sarcastic to you when you are genuinely concerned.

I think you should apologize and have a proper adult conversation about her fears, your reaction to that and the impact it has all round, and how the situations can be better managed in future.

Disclaimer. I'm not perfect and have done similar with my parents in relation to what my adult sister had/hadn't done relating to her child.

Clarabell33 Wed 03-Sep-14 15:56:09

I can sympathise - my DM always, but always, chimes in with comments like these that wind me up no end. No matter what I say I'm doing, there is a comment along the lines of 'oh, be careful' (no, I was planning to be really careless, just for a laugh), 'oh, are you sure that's a good idea?' (no, you're right, I'll never leave the house just in case something bad happens) etc... She means well and it's just how she shows she cares, but it's very hard to not snap at her! I am an adult, I have thought about things, I am pretty competent and streetwise enough to manage if things do go wrong... I admit I would probably had made the hitchhiker comment, but my DM wouldn't have taken it badly - she knows she's a big worrier unnecessarily and that it winds people up (other family as well as me), but I also accept it actually comes from love, not some perception that I am incompetent. So maybe you should apologise to make the peace, but also explain that the constant negativity/worrying/assumption that you've not thought things through is driving you batshit and affecting your DD, and to please try to not make these comments all the time...

gobbynorthernbird Wed 03-Sep-14 15:57:11

IMO it isn't a show of caring, it's projecting unnecessary anxiety and doubting the OP and her DH parenting. It would do my tits in and I'd have to have words, especially as it is negatively affecting DD.

zzzzz Wed 03-Sep-14 15:57:40

Yes here too. I feel your pain OP.

What about just not apologising?

Yes grandmothers do this shit, but then daughters very occasionally get pissed off by it.

Ignore her.

Buskermum Wed 03-Sep-14 15:59:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarbeDiem Wed 03-Sep-14 16:00:09

She does sound concerned but YANBU.
It must be very annoying dealing with the negativity.
Just try not to snap again and maybe tell her that she doesn't need to worry about the logistics etc.. as they're sensibly sorted.

grocklebox Wed 03-Sep-14 16:00:19

God you lot are hard work. If you snap sarcastically at your mother,apologise, don't ignore. Basic manners to anyone, certainly warranted to the person who, you know, gave you life. hmm

She's a granny worrying about the child she loves. Stop being so fucking precious and rude, the lot of you!

ElephantsNeverForgive Wed 03-Sep-14 16:00:41

Would drive me stark raving mad, I just about tolerate my DDad ringing to warn me the weather's bad when I'm off on a long drive and wanting to ring when I get there. (I've been married for almost 25 years to a DH who follows the weather even more obsessively than he does, he knows this, he still fussed).

But even he knows better than to cluck over his GDs.

My DM never interferes, she can't stand anyone fussing over her and doesn't do it to anyone else.

ApocalypseNowt Wed 03-Sep-14 16:03:01

I know someone like this. Their first reaction to everything is negative. I can see it comes from the right place but it's very wearing. Sometimes it'd be nice if they'd just be happy right off the bat!

WipsGlitter Wed 03-Sep-14 16:07:25

DS was eating chocolate on Christmas Day. He was four. FiL said to take care he didn't get diabetes!

It sounds very wearing, just have it out with her.

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