to think you don't leave a baby unattended in a grown-up bed(53 Posts)
MiL looks after ds once a week, usually in our house but for the next few weeks will be in her house for various practical reasons. He has just turned 1 and moves around a lot in his sleep. I asked her where she intended to put him down to nap (and would she like the travel cot) and she dismissed the idea saying that she often had one of her three sons to nap/sleep in a (grown-up) bed, and one of them fell out once but was ok (!). I raised my eyebrows at this point and said I would not be happy with him being left unattended in case he fell out while asleep and she said that she'd either sit with him or put him in the pram instead. All fine.
Later on speaking to my husband (her eldest of 3 sons) he said that to his knowledge none of them had ever had a cot. And that they all slept in an adult bed (no bed guards or anything) from the time they grew out of carry cot/pram! This was late 70s/early 80s if it makes a difference. I was absolutely horrified that she thought this was ok. I know they struggled financially when the kids were small but so did my parents and they got a hand-me-down cot from somewhere for free. I am also now worried that if she thinks this is ok, what else does she think is ok?
My husband thinks I'm overreacting and that plenty of children don't sleep in cots (true but if you didn't have a cot you would put them somewhere safe on the floor wouldn't you?), sleeping in a bed doesn't mean that they're not safe. I disagree entirely AIBU? Were attitudes really that different 30 years ago? Am I being PFB?
BTW I am relatively relaxed about co-sleeping so this is not a debate about that. I have often slept with my son in the bed, before he got too wriggly. But never left him unattended once he started rolling around and before he moved I would still check on him every 5 minutes. I think when baby is in bed with you you're always slightly aware of what he's doing in your sleep, unless you're completely exhausted in which case I don't think that's safe either.
How high is this bed, and how wide is it?
I left DS before on my bed but it must have been 50cm high, which is not a great height for a 1 year old.
You can put some pillows around to reduce the likelihood of a fall.
Loads of kids go into big beds as babies. The only concern is falling from the height of the bed onto the floor - does she have a particularly high bed or is there a soft landing just incase?
agree we have one bed at ours which is quite low and it would be difficult for ds to sustain any injury falling out of it.
But I think all beds in MiLs house are/were a fairly high height.
I think it's fine tbh at 1 year.
If a double she can put him in the middle and he will have a lot of space so unlikely to fall. Either side of bed lay down spare pillows/ blanket incase he falls, although unless she has some princess and the pea bed it's not that far to carpet floor surely. If single it's prob against wall and just add pillows one side
Mine used to nap in our bed in the day around this age, I would lay with them until asleep then leave pillow at side on floor in case. I think they both only ever fell out once, and literally rolled onto pillow and carried on sleeping.
I would leave door open ( in flat), and check often. They had own cot beds with sides but I preferred this at nap time as seemed nicer as could nap together a while if I wanted
Yabu For practical reasons my ds1 had to move into the bottom of a bunk bed at 18 months. He wouldn't sleep with a bed guard and only ever fell out once.
If your mil puts pillows on either side of your DC he will be fine.
Can you get her one of those clip on sides for the bed and push the other side against a wall? I think it's fine to sleep in the bed but surely a side guard is a cheap and easy idea. I do think standards have changed, my parents are much more laid back than I would be.
right ok, but it's odd to have had 3 kids and never had a cot isn't it?
I have a cot but mine often slept in an adult bed (at their own insistence). Most people down for naps in the middle of a double bed generally with pillows at the side. When he wakes up he will call for me but he does know how to safely get out of the bed. I think if that's the norm they learn faster. He his feet first and slides down slowly. He is almost 1.
I wouldn't like it. If your ds is used to his sleeps in a cot....I'd take the travel cot anyway and ask her to use it. Safer.
YANBU my son has never had a cot, at that age we slept on a mattress on the floor for all the reasons you are worried.
But fear not, second hand bed guards are cheap as chips, get one or two and the problem is solved. They are easy to put up, take down and put away.
I don't think it is fine actually. I bed share with my 11 month old and he fell out of bed in the middle of the night a week ago, resulting in a massive bruise and bump on his head. I never left him on his own in the bed anyway and I now have a bed guard on the other side to stop it from happening again.
I think in this case, if you are concerned, then provide whatever you need to feel your baby is safe.
A cot, or a bed guard, for example.
Neither of mine had cots, they slept with us from birth to three ish then went into single beds.
Both of them were put down into our bed at night as there was no where what to put them, they certainly didn't stay up until we went to bed! I didn't consult anyone, but it didn't seem strange.
They are now 5 and 9 and share a high sleeper that is about seven foot off the floor, they have never fallen out of anything yet
Yabu. Mine didn't have a cot (Didn't like it). We use a bed guard occasionally but pillows do the job really. Unless the bed is really unusually high, I wouldn't worry.
If my DS wakes in the night I will feed him to sleep (king sized bed) he has fell out of bed twice in the past week so there is no way I would leave him in an adult bed on his own.
Whether your MIL had a cot for her children or not is irrelevant, this is YOUR child and you get to decide where he sleeps.
Does your DS ever sleep in your bed at home? Or does he always have his sleep in his cot? If the latter I would be hesitant to allow him to sleep in an adult bed even with a guard in case he decided that he wants to sleep in a bed all the time.
Do whatever you are comfortable with OP.
Pillows or cushions on the bed either side, or on the floor to break any fall is fine. YABU.
But some children, like my youngest ds, flop around a lot in their sleep. I would buy them a bed guard if you are worried OP.
DD slept/napped in our bed until she was 20 months. Otherwise she would have never got any sleep ever. It's a super king and 30cm off the ground so wasn't worried. I used to hem her in with pillows.
I think YANBU for not wanting your DC to nap in a bed, but YABU for being critical of what MIL did with her own kids.
Yabu I have five kids and we had a cot when ds1 was tiny, he never slept and by the time ds2 came along it was s clothes storage area, we got rid and never bought another. They all just slept in with us and from about 8 mths? They went to sleep in our bed upstairs in the eve, and we joined them later.
Big bed, pushed up against the wall on one side and they slept over near the wall. I would make a barrier of pillows, put the duvet on the floor so if they fell they had a soft landing and we had baby monitor and could hear them moving so would go u and check etc.
Later on we got a massive futon so did away with duvet on the floor as if they fell out it didn't matter as its low down.
It's never been a problem not to have a cot and it's never been commented on by midwives or health visitors who have Bern to our home and seen sleeping arrangements.
Youngest is three and still in our bed, we have s toddler bed in our room at the end of our futon but she doesn't want to sleep in it. She will at some point just ad her four big brothers did.
A cot is not a necessary piece of baby equipment.
Oh and my DM is HORRIFIED that I have let DD sleep in a normal bed so we are like you and your MIL in reverse!
I did this to my oldest DS when he outgrew his moses masker.
We were in a third world country, and there were no such luxuries as high chairs/cots etc.
I found a carpenter who built an extra low bed, so if he'd fall out, it would not be from any height. I could have asked him to build a cot I guess..
Poor baby spent one night asleep on the floor (!!!) but only once.
It was fine, all in all. With DS 2 we put up a wooden board and a chair to stop him rolling out.
There are entire countries out there who don't have the amount of kids equipment we do, it was an eye opener really.
I think the crucial point is the height of the bed. If it's a very low bed it might be okay, but I think a standard height adult bed would be too high for an unattended baby.
Even if he doesn't fall out in his sleep, there's the question of does your DS know how to get down from a bed safely? DS2 is 11 months and he still hasn't grasped the whole feet first idea. Keeps trying to crawl head first off beds, sofas, steps etc. A bed guard would be no use at all with him unless you were in the room when he woke because he'd try to climb head first over it.
buy a bed guard, and dont assume that just because she does this its means she is a bad MIL!
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