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Getting DH to STFU

(54 Posts)
dancingwithmyselfandthecat Mon 01-Sep-14 19:57:23

I have workmen in at the moment and am freelancing as well. The noise/disruption has been so great today that I need to work now they are gone.

DH has just left for the gym. Between him coming home from work and leaving for the gym - about half an hour - he wouldn't shut up. "Oooh, the floor, so that's what they've done. Where are my gym shoes? Oh, here are my shoes. I do actually really like these shoes, so much better than the last pair. I will pop in and get some milk on may way back, didn't on my way home because..." you get the picture. Not exactly talking to me, but expecting me to listen and reply in some form. Ignoring fact that I am working. Eventually I snapped and told him to give me some piece and quiet because it was obvious that I was working (sitting at desk, on laptop!).

He has form for this. He simply can't resist coming to speak to me when I am working - to tell me that my favourite programme is about to start (I know that, that's why it's being recorded and the sky button turned blue). To tell me about the new routine he's trying at the gym, or something he saw on his way home. I love him dearly but it is always inconsequential stuff and it is not as if I am always working (I always stop by eight).

He doesn't get - and has never got - the usual sort of signals people give out "uh huhs" when you don't look up, "just a minute please dear" sorts of things, so every single time I lose it. Not shouting and screaming but a very firm "leave me alone". And then he gets sad or put out. On particularly frustrating occassions he will take himself off to do Noisy Tidying.

He does this when I read for leisure at weekends as well. I don't mind if he wants either to start a conversation or to ask me a one-off question, but I really resent being interrupted by this inane gabble.

AIBU and/or a complete bitch? (No kids BTW so not like I have to fend this off from toddlers as well).

CatKisser Mon 01-Sep-14 20:00:38

No, he's being really unfair. I assume he works? If so, he must appreciate how irritating it is when you're trying to get stuff done and someone won't leave you alone.
He's not one of those people who doesn't think working at home counts a "proper work" is he?

Bulbasaur Mon 01-Sep-14 20:04:53

DH does this to me too! Talking at me, but not actually engaging me. Then gets upset when I don't listen. Unfortunately I do the same to him so I can't exactly call him on it

He also has to take things out one at a time to show me when he gets home from the grocery store to show me what he bought. I have to acknowledge each and every item he got instead of looking in the bags and getting a general overview. It's a very bizarre ritual.

Anyway, just tell him you're working and to leave you alone.

WhatWitchcraftIsThis Mon 01-Sep-14 20:07:44

Just snapped at DH for this. It's obnoxious and it implies what you are doing is less important than whatever it is he wants to talk about.

Hassled Mon 01-Sep-14 20:10:08

I was once fairly cruel-to-be-kind with DH and just explained that when someone is reading, or watching a programme or clearly absorbed, you CANNOT just start talking at them unless it's important. In his defence, his parents do it all the time, so it was what he'd grown up with - is that the case with your DH? Mine is a lot better than he was - I think you do need The Talk (maybe wait until he's watching a programme wink).

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Mon 01-Sep-14 20:11:27

He does work. Funnily enough he sometimes even works from home and tells me off for "padding around" - eg getting dinner ready (in a different room) or cleaning the bathroom!

Everytime I try to raise the issue with him calmly he says something along the lines of "how did you ever cope in open plan offices?". He doesn't seem to get that his type of gabble is absolutely different from general office noise!

Bulbasaur DH does that as well. One Saturday morning he woke me up by bringing me in bed all the things he had bought for our holiday (which was two months away). These things being sun lotion, a new SD card for the camera, bug repellant - not exactly travel guides or clothes or anything interesting. I was hmm which made him sad.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Mon 01-Sep-14 20:13:52

Hassled - I think this might be the case. His family are very - have a film on the go while you do your homework/go over your business accounts and have a beer and a conversation at the same time. I have always had the "do one thing at a time" (except for MNing which can be combined with anything) approach to life.

WhatWitchcraftIsThis Mon 01-Sep-14 20:18:04

What is with the grocery thing? You haven't just hunted a woolley mammoth I don't need to gaze and applaud with appreciate your contribution do I?

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Mon 01-Sep-14 20:22:00

Witchcraft that made me smile. I have to look at every item he brings back. "I couldn't see the whole peppercorns at first so I had to ask the assistant..."

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Mon 01-Sep-14 20:33:03

The biggest irony is that when I'm doing something like cooking or tidying that doesn't need my full attention he always wanders off to do his own thing!

DocDaneeka Mon 01-Sep-14 20:46:32

Ear defenders.

Big red ones.

Pointedly put them on once he starts up.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Mon 01-Sep-14 20:53:44

At first I thought you were being a little harsh - I mean, couldn't you give your husband half an hour of your time between him getting in and going out sad however, the more I have read the more I feel he's lucky not to be under the patio. He would be here.

'I couldn't see the whole peppercorns at first so I had to ask the assistant...'

I have just had my Mum staying, love her to bits, but she is like this from her feet hitting the ground until she is asleep again. I just cannot cope with inane gabble 24/fucking/7.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 01-Sep-14 21:02:46

I'm currently trying to write an essay; and also straining some elderberry wine. So the OH comes in to 'help' so that I can get on with writing.

Yes, it's really going to help with 5 live on loud 10 feet away. Great.

AlpacaMyBags Mon 01-Sep-14 21:10:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 01-Sep-14 21:17:50

GAH! Mine does this too, and then I get the sadface if I ask him to hush because I'm trying to concentrate.

When HE is trying to work at home, he pouts if I breathe too loudly or have the temerity to make myself a cup of tea too noisily. Pfft.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 01-Sep-14 21:23:50

He's turned the radio off, gone into the front room and I got started again and he's back and put the radio back on!

I've said 'how can I do my essay with that bollocks on' and the radio is now off. Apparently 'that's fine'

Right - where was I?

kelper Mon 01-Sep-14 21:24:35

My dh does this too (as does ds, wonder where he got it from?)
He likes to invite people round mid week when my favourite programmes are on, and because our house is open plan (kitchen, dining room and living room all one space) I can't get away from them.
Or he'll ring someone up and have a loud convo with them.
Or invite our lodger in who is fairly old and I then have to keep fielding bloody questions about what I'm watching etc.
Ds rabbits on, but expects answers, it's a constant noise which I can mostly live with but some times results in "ds WILL YOU BE QUIET FOR A BIT?!"
Cue a 3 second silence and then it carries on.
So you absolutely have my sympathy op

bananaleaf Mon 01-Sep-14 21:54:38

I had to tell my DH to 'give it a rest will you!' last night as I had 5 minutes proof reading (sat at kitchen table) left to do before coming in to watch tv and he's in the kitchen whooping and hollering, mimicking the ads on TV, talking to himself, inane babble!

He also does the shopping thing, has to talk me through it and lays it out like a freshly hunted kill on the kitchen counter except its tins of baked beans and tomato soup grin

Bulbasaur Tue 02-Sep-14 05:12:17

Bulbasaur DH does that as well. One Saturday morning he woke me up by bringing me in bed all the things he had bought for our holiday (which was two months away). These things being sun lotion, a new SD card for the camera, bug repellant - not exactly travel guides or clothes or anything interesting. I was hmm which made him sad.

OMG! Somewhere out there, a British dopple danger of my husband exists! grin

Should put them both together in a room and they can chat about the food they brought and the back story behind each item.

LindyHemming Tue 02-Sep-14 07:13:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming Tue 02-Sep-14 07:16:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Tue 02-Sep-14 09:03:44

Bulbasaur - yes, let's!

kelper this is the reason I will never buy an open plan property.

I'm curious as to whether anyone else's DH (or DP or DW) also does this.
If DH asks me to do something which requires speaking to a third party, he can't resist giving me the entire script, line by line.

Eg - calling the conveyancer to chase exchange on the flat we bought.
"And she will probably say not to worry because these things always take a long time. In fact the words she will probably use are "Dancing it always takes three months minimum to get to exchange and completion. And so you must say "Yes, I understand that, but..."

The irony is that he asks me to do these things when a) he doesn't have the time or b) it needs my tougher negotiating skills!

I lose it with him over this, and he says that he only talks through the script to clarify it for himself in his own head. Which makes me hmm because a) why does that need me and b) why does he need it clear if I'm the one making the sodding call!

The problem is that my DH is sneaky. About fifty per cent of the time he is totally normal, and another 20% of the time he is only slightly maddening. It's as if he chose the perfect percentage of time to be utterly maddening whereby it gets totally under my skin but never so constant that I would actually leave him or kill him.

Last weekend we were in the car with some friends and he felt the need to point out everywhere we drove past which was on his running route. Neither of them have the foggiest interest in running generally, much less in DH's running route. He knows this! Why on earth can't he do what normal people do and just say, "oh I go running around here. The foliage is beautiful first thing in the morning".

melika Tue 02-Sep-14 09:27:03

My DH knows I'm doing something, ironing, cleaning, reading, whatever, and stills thinks I can hear him from another room. I get so pissed off, he thinks what he has to say is more important than anything I'm doing.

My advice, live on your own.

kelper Wed 03-Sep-14 07:23:31

Sadly dancing the house is DH's (well, ours now, but DH bought it long before i was on the scene) But while i would mind an open plan kitchen and dining room, I wish the living room was separate sad

toomuchtooold Wed 03-Sep-14 07:46:43

My DH does this as well (also with the groceries - just put them in the fridge!!!! I know what cheese looks like) and combines it with the ability to throw a deaf ear to me when I am saying things, genuinely important things to him like "don't eat that bread I can see mould on it" or translating the teary complaints of our toddlers as he puts the wrong socks on her or whatever. Luckily after 10 years of this I can give glue ear as well as he can, and am in fact currently "uh huh"ing along to a conversation about the Scottish referendum right now as I type.

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