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to be pissed off with exH lying and smoking around the dc's (sorry, long!)?

(5 Posts)
extremepie Mon 01-Sep-14 15:51:14

2 ds's went to stay with exH and his new gf recently, first time he has seen them since christmas and ds1 was really looking forward to it.

Came back on saturday and got their clothes out of their bags to put them away as I assumed they were clean but literally eveything they took with them to his dad's stinks of smoke including the tablet case, all the clothes and the rucksacks they took them in. I am not a smoker so I know the smell is from there. Aibu to be annoyed? Its not so much the smoke smell and the fact that I now have to wash/febreze everything they took with its the fact that that means either exH or his gf or both have been smoking in the house around my dc's, which obviously I am not happy about! She has 2 daughters so I assumed they wouldnt smoke in the house but as all their stuff stinks I am guessing they do! I know IWU to suggest they cant smoke in their own house but Im really not happy about them smoking around my dc's - should I say anything for future trips or should I just leave it?

Also, exH told me that he couldnt help me pay for the train fare to go and pick them up from his (other end of the country so v. expensive and time consuming trip for me!) and he also couldnt drop them off with me because he could only take 9 days off work (instead of the 2 weeks he has originally planned and promised to have them for) and would therefore only be able to take them half way and leave straight away to get home for work.

I wasnt especially happy but agreed as ds1 was desperate to see his dad and I didnt want to be seen as difficult so I agreed to pay for my own ticket and pick them up early.

He had told me he couldnt afford to help me with the cost of the train ticket because he needed all his wages (after rent etc) to pay for day trips out with the dc's. So again, I said ok as I wanted the boys to have a good time and he went on to detail all the things he was planning to do with them during their stay.

As it transpires, they didnt go on any day trips at all so he obviously wasnt using money on them.

I also found out that after he dropped the kids off he then spent 2 days with his gf at a mutual friends who live down the road before heading home so he had 2 extra days he could have spent with the boys at least and he lied to me so he could drop them off early!

Aibu to be really annoyed? I dont know whether or not to say anything, as there is nothing I can do about it now but I'm just so pissed off that a) he lied about using his money to take the boys out and has presumably spent it on himself b) he purposely lied to me so he could drop the boys off early and spend extra days at a friend's house c) he has obviously been smoking around them.

I'm also slightly concerned that he has started smoking weed again - he smoked it when we were together and was pretty much addicted to it, it is partially responsible for having some SS involvement which is still ongoing. He assured me he had given up but given the SS involvement if he has started smoking weed again the boys wont be able to visit him again.

AIBU and over the top or overly paranoid about the weed issue? Should I say anything about it to him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Sep-14 16:42:59

I recall reading on MN an ex is an ex because he's the way he was with you and raging now about new stuff to do with him just brings back all those headaches.

So the DCs' clothing smells like ashtrays and he lied about how much time he had available for the boys. A leopard never changes his spots! What is his reaction likely to be if you contact him to sound off? Three guesses. Did the boys have a good time?

About the weed issue I'll be honest, I don't know.

You did your utmost to facilitate your sons seeing their dad. That's something to feel good about.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 01-Sep-14 17:28:20

I have been and am pretty much where you, but with two years experience:
1. Smoking - challenging this is likely to be unsuccessful and make discussing anything else difficult. I tried.
2. Time with the children- he will do want he wants to regarding his much he sees them and what he does with them regardless of what you say, again any challenge is likely to be unsuccessful.
3. Travelling - it is considered fair that you share the travelling. You are responsible for one journey and you the other ( I had legal advice on this point).
4. Always be supportive of the DC's relationship with their father if he messes it that's his problem.

As others have said he is your Ex for a reason, pick your battles there maybe really big ones in the future that you may need to fight head on. I have scars from these.

extremepie Mon 01-Sep-14 17:47:53

Fair point, I don't think any challenge would be very successful as when we were together he did not respond well to criticism at all!

I'm annoyed about the other stuff but the potentially smoking weed really scares me because if he is and SS they will look on me negatively for allowing them to see him but I can't exactly ask him or he will deny it! Hence why I'm asking for outside opinions :/

RandomMess Mon 01-Sep-14 17:53:36

Bright and breezy text/email - the dc obviously really enjoyed seeing you, obviously with social services still being involved I just wanted to check what you have been smoking around them - was it tobacco or weed? Please let me know, many thanks.

That way you have covered your back re: SS?

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