To ask dc dad for more maintenance?

[GaryShitpeas]

Ds is 8 and his dad pays £170 a month maintenance. It's a private arrangement, we don't go through CSA or whatever it's called these days.

Here's the thing. I need more. don't know what his dad earns nowadays. But he has just bought a house for 180k and he has a mortgage on it which he said he got with he 5% deposit thing that's around now. So I would guess to get a mortgage of that size he must be on at least 30k? And I'm sure it's meant to be about 15% of salary as dh has another dd from his previous relationship who he pays that amount to her mum, and that was via CSA

But It's so awkward as we get on really well now and i don't want to risk jeopardising that and therefore possibly his relationship with ds

Wwyd? And Aibu and grabby to ask for more? I do need it btw I'm fucking broke tbh

[ArsenicyOldFace]

So he's underpaying by....

[ArsenicyOldFace]

Well at least £200 pcm

[LadySybilLikesCake]

Nope, it's not grabby. It's expensive to raise a child, and you may find that you're receiving a lot less than the CSA would award anyway. You could ask him to buy her shoes/pay for her after school activities. I'd ask.

Please do think of a plan B incase he says 'no' or stops paying though. I asked my ex for an increase as I'd been diagnosed with MS and had to stop working. He said he couldn't afford it but stopped paying a month later. He's not in the UK so I had to go to court and it took months. They did almost double the payments though (I asked for the 15% minus deductions for their children, which was what the CSA would award so I wasn't being grabby) meaning he'd been underpaying for years. The court could only backdate it to the date in which I filled the forms, so 5 months (and he's not paid it!). The difference between what he should have paid and what he did throughout the years was tens of thousands

You're not being grabby either

[mommy2ash]

how much do you think he should be paying? wouldn't he have to pay less if he has another child? unless there is a huge discrepancy in the figures i would prefer an amicable relationship.

[ArsenicyOldFace]

YANBU

I think the question is how and when to ask

[NickiFury]

YANBU. It should be what the CSA says it should be. It's great you get on well but he should pay the right amount and a decent bloke would want to.

[GaryShitpeas]

Oh yeah and he has got two other dc as well who live with him

Well they are his step kids (His dw kids)

Glad no one thinks I'm awful (yet)

[LadySybilLikesCake]

An amicable relationship doesn't always buy your child shoes, mommy2ash.

There would be a slightly lower figure as he's supporting another child, they deduct 15% off his income first, then another 15% for this child (I think).

The CSA guideline is only a minimum. Any absent parent worth their salt wouldn't begrudge paying above as it (mostly) goes to benefit their child.

[ArsenicyOldFace]

So for two resident DSC, you take 20% of his earnings before you start.

Assuming £30k, that gets you down to £24k.

15% of that is £3600 pa, so still £300pcm.....

[LadySybilLikesCake]

//www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

[ArsenicyOldFace]

You're putting me head to head with a calculator Sybil!?

[LadySybilLikesCake]

I've not had enough sleep to work things out without making myself look like a twat A calculator works for me.

[ArsenicyOldFace]

Actually I just tried it. The calculator is new scheme and less generous

[LadySybilLikesCake]

Bugger!

I don't suppose it matters if it's a private arrangement, they are just guidelines

[ArsenicyOldFace]

It's still saying more than she's getting now though....

[Artandco]

I would just have a frank discussion with him tbh if you say you now get on.

Show him some figures. Explain how say 5 years ago you could spend £50 a week on all groceries for you and child but with inflation it's now more like £70

How you now have much higher costs of school trip fees, later clothes cost more, and his feet are growing so much he needs shoes every 6 months. Explain how you are having to say no to child often as can't afford activities he would like etc

Ask what he thinks would be an affordable increase also as well as suggesting own.

I would maybe ask for £250-300 a month with a review in 1 year to increase if needed.

Can also suggest he pays for an activity ie his swimming lessons/ sports class as he may be more inclined to if he can control where the extra money goes ( on top of above raise)

£170 really is very little though, in comparison db pays £1500 a month for his 8 year old plus 1/2 any school trips/ holiday fees/ school uniform. He also buys him approx 1/2 his general stuff like clothes/ books/ toys as needed

[ArsenicyOldFace]

(£62pw, which is £269pcm)

[Mozzereena]

I would ask for it by stealth to avoid rocking the boat if I were in your situation (been there!)
Could you ask him to pay for your DS's regular extra-curricular activities for example?

[FlossyMoo]

YANBU

I think it is a perfectly reasonable request. As you say you have a good relationship and you do not sound grabby at all.

[MrsWinnibago]

It enrages me that some Fathers pay so little. OP YANBU. I think all Fathers or non resident Mothers should pay half of everything. So half school trips, half uniform, half toys....plus they should give money for the upkeep of the home in which the child lives.

[NickiFury]

I think artandco has it right. No one can argue that money isn't going as far these days. That's a good way to approach it.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

That would be lovely, MrsWinnibago. Ds's father hasn't sent him so much as a Christmas card for the past couple of years and I pay for everything. His forced contribution barely makes a dent.

[Siobhan3083]

Unfortunately the CSA will take into account that he is supporting 3 other children so I think the payment he is giving you based on a salary of 30k is actually what legally he should be paying.
Doesn't mean that as a parent he can't contribute more though? The figures are only there for people who don't want to pay anything.
Hope you sort it, it's a struggle with children and a low income, especially with the holidays just been x

[ArsenicyOldFace]

2 other DC Siobhan. The other DC OP mentions is the child of current DH by a previous relationship.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

If he's living with 2 children, and has a child not living with him then these are deducted as he's technically 'supporting them', even if 2 are not genetically his. I think the deductions stop after three children though.