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AIBU can I still use this baby name

(70 Posts)
ilovepombears Sun 31-Aug-14 13:08:17

Right, there is a friend who I know through my DP work. We don't live close but we text call each other lots well we did not so much now. I occasionally get a lift with my DP and spend the day with her when he's at work as he commutes everyday to the area they live.
I am 8months pregnant with a girl and have been thinking about names and had put a name on facebook that I was attached too but my DP hated it. A couple of friends commented with a variation of the name that was one letter out that changed the pronoun citation of the name. Think Conner / Conna. Sorry not a great example there. The name I love was a strong boys name but I loved it for a girl. Anyway I spoke to my DP about the suggested name and he really liked it and said it was a great name. The new name is a unisex name but typically a girls name and it's very uncommon in the uk but popular in the states as it's a place name also a sports team name. Anyway I was bored on may leave and posted about thoughts of our new name on fb. I had a pm from this friend just saying please can you not use this name. No explanation nothing. I explained to her we loved the name and plan on using it and if she wanted it for her next baby if she were to have one then that's fine by me as they have the connection to the name as they both go to this place and love the team when they can afford it.
I've also chosen the middle name for bubba and it's my mums middle name that's been in our family for generations. I had a personalise blanket made and put it up on fb to show this friend we are using this name as no one owns a name, I also have my c section booked. Cue a long pm stating that my friend was pregnant last year by accident and they had named the baby very early on my fist name and middle name. The middle name of mine is her partners name but a shortened version now same as mine as it's unisex too. She had to have a termination due to problems didn't say why. No one knew about this pregnancy and the date of her termination last year is the date of my section so the anniversary of her termination. She has begged me not to use the name. I know it is a huge coincidence of the names / date but I love this name. I can understand why she doesn't want me to use it and I respect that but it's my baby's name now we can't decide on anything else. AIBU to still use it? I know the friendship will end if I do but since she found out I was pregnant we haven't really spoke.
What do you lovely lady's think?

grocklebox Sun 31-Aug-14 13:12:29

I think you should stop putting every single thought on facebook, call your kid whatever you like (although a place name/sports team name sounds dire), and use proper paragraphs.

Iconfuseus Sun 31-Aug-14 13:14:01

I would still use it.

Nobody owns a name. If we all went around trying to name our children things that had no emotional connection for anyone else on the planet it would be impossible.

I'm sorry for what your friend has been through, but I don't see what you can be realistically expected to do. Run every name by her so she can vito them?

Namechangedforthisohyesidid Sun 31-Aug-14 13:14:41

however unreasonable she is being, (which I am not sure whether she is or not) it sounds like if you do it will be the end of the friendship so what's most important to you?

Meloria Sun 31-Aug-14 13:14:56

What she said.

NovemberRainbow Sun 31-Aug-14 13:15:15

I wouldn't use it, my friends mean a lot to me and I would not want to hurt them.

It would be different if they had wanted to use it for future children, but when it's a child they've lost it seems cruel. Especially when the place means a lot to them, you can understand why they named there baby after somewhere which gives them lovely memories.

Also I would avoid place names without having a personal connection to them.

I would however use the same middle name, as its a family name.

Kittydragon Sun 31-Aug-14 13:15:24

I can see why she finds the name upsetting, but to be honest that's a bit unreasonable. And both names? Really?

To me it sounds like she had never gotten over the termination. And this really isn't your fault, or, to be honest, your problem.

If I were you think about how having those names, given her reaction, would make you feel about using them for your baby.

Iggi999 Sun 31-Aug-14 13:15:30

If you had known this was what she named the baby she lost before you picked it, would it have made a difference? Do you think your friendship will last if you don't use the name?

Kittydragon Sun 31-Aug-14 13:17:36

Grocklebox, now aren't you just delightful. The epitomiy of AIBU sweetness & light .

ClashCityRocker Sun 31-Aug-14 13:19:02

I'm probably an awful person, but I think there are one two many convenient coincidences here - of all the names in the world, you've chosen both the first and middle name that she would've used and - I'm assuming you didn't know at the time - the date of the termination is exactly the date your c scan is booked?

Is it possible she is stretching the truth in order to emotionally blackmail you?

If not and you do believe her, I think you should still call your baby it - if it was just a short listed name, it might make me rule it out, but if it was a name I loved, I'd go with it.

Personally, I think New York Yankees is a great name for a child grin

Iggi999 Sun 31-Aug-14 13:19:33

Kitty dragon it's hardly surprising she isn't over it yet when it was less than a year ago. The date and the name thing together is a coincidence too far in my book.

ClairDeLoon Sun 31-Aug-14 13:19:39

If she hadn't lost her baby and it had been born and named that, would you have given your child an identical name? It might not be a 'real person' as in born and present now, but it's real to her and her family, still her baby that she has named.

I've figured out the name anyway, it's not that uncommon. If you love it and really want to use it then go for it. Names aren't exclusive to one person, there is always going to be someone with the same name, unless you've totally made one up grin

Ticktockblock Sun 31-Aug-14 13:21:05

There's no reason you shouldn't use it as people don't own names but it's not something I would do.

I really liked a name when it came to naming DC3 but I knew an old friend had a baby who died and she had the same name. I couldn't use it as I knew if she read it on FB she would have been upset.

brokenhearted55a Sun 31-Aug-14 13:21:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClashCityRocker Sun 31-Aug-14 13:21:27

Although if it was a close friend, I wouldn't. But it doesn't sound to me like you're a big part of each other's lives - more mutually convenient than a real friendship.

Iconfuseus Sun 31-Aug-14 13:21:41

I have to admit Clashcityrocker , that crossed my mind as well.

I study family history and back then practically everyone in the UK was called Mary or John. It's annoying for a researcher, but I can't help reflecting that it saves a lot of trauma and stress over names!

PolyesterBride Sun 31-Aug-14 13:24:43

Is it Chelsea?

ilovepombears Sun 31-Aug-14 13:25:25

I have wondered the same too. The first name makes perfect sence that she would use it. But the second name plus my section date I'm not so sure on. As my partner and hers are so close we have caught them out on white lies before so I have wondered if she is saying this so we carry on using the middle family name and drop the first name. I'm not sure.

This friendship is already fizzling out and I don't think it will last.

Kittydragon Sun 31-Aug-14 13:25:43

I agree Iggy, and I do feel for her. But naming a terminated foetus and then demanding no one else use that name is just not healthy. I think she needs to talk it over with a counsellor, help her come to terms with it.

ilovepombears Sun 31-Aug-14 13:27:02

No it's not Chelsea, it's a beautiful name it's not chavy or common.
Also she said she can prove the name and date of termination. How I do not know

grocklebox Sun 31-Aug-14 13:35:09

I am actually truly delightful. A veritable peach.
Thanks for noticing grin

SavoyCabbage Sun 31-Aug-14 13:35:50

I think you should be able to call your own baby whatever you want to.

However, I don't think that I would want to call my baby these names now knowing these pieces of information. If she is your friend. Do you still what to use those names?

Iggi999 Sun 31-Aug-14 13:44:47

"A terminated foetus" - oh ffs. You are aware that babies can be diagnosed with medical problems - often incompatible with survival at birth - and mothers can be forced into a difficult decision to end the pregnancy. This was clearly a wanted baby from what the OP has said. She may have held her, had a funeral for her. At what point is she entitled to a name? hmm

ilovepombears Sun 31-Aug-14 13:45:23

I don't think I can use it anymore. As much as we love it. It's tainted now. However we will still be using the middle name. That is definite as it has meaning to us. I'm going to get my DP to speak to hers tomorrow and see if there is truth to all this and see what he thinks before we come to a definite decision. I think once we have decided on what we are doing I will give her a call. I wish she just called me and did this upfront.

Kittydragon Sun 31-Aug-14 14:07:05

Excuse the medical terminology, as no one was aware of the pregnancy or termination I assumed it was fairly early on in the pregnancy.

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