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am I a horrible dil

(32 Posts)
m0therofdragons Thu 28-Aug-14 18:00:57

There's a lot of history and jealousy from pil that my parents see my dc more than pil. Yes they do. Dm lives an hour and a half a way but makes lots of effort and asks for dc so sleep over etc mil complains she never sees them but any effort we make to arrange visits are huge hassle for them as they are 4 hours away and mil won't drive on motorways so fil gets too tired. He's in his early 50s and 10 years younger than my dm.
We are having a party on Sunday pm for 70 people. I am catering for it myself. Mil, fil are staying at ours the night before but have announced they expected to have lunch ours with our 3dc plus dh's grand parents, bil and sil. so 11 people in our home just before a big party. Dh said all can come in the morning but by 12 everyone can pop to a cafe or pub as we'll need space to get ready. Dm and df are coming just before the party as dm has helped making cakes and it will be their only chance to give dc their birthday gifts but they are not eating lunch, also using df's car for transporting stuff. I also have other relatives from my side coming to the party who will have travelled similar distance to pil but they are not coming to the house. There isn't space which is why the party is on the hall.
Mil is sobbing and thinks we're being unreasonable to not want a house full of people for the run up to the party. Bil understands and has tried to act as UN intermediary but with little success.
Mil thinks I'm pushing her out but I'm just trying to save my sanity. I'm giving them a brunch and there is food for a late lunch at the party.
aibu selfish dil? I am really upset she's upset but just feels like she switches on the tears to get her own way.

Sunny67 Thu 28-Aug-14 18:26:54

YANBU. Why can't the in laws take the dcs out to lunch somewhere?

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Thu 28-Aug-14 18:28:29

You are not a terrible DIL. Your MIL is forcing things on you and that is rude and unfair of her. It is your home do not let her dictate how you spend the day. You need a lot of time to prepare for the big party and the last ting you need to do is to cater for 11 just before you cater for 70!
Could you not get your DH to book a table at a local restaurant / café for all 11 of you and arrange to meet everyone there. That will then give you all morning and after lunch to sort the party stuff.
If DH tells her he wants to treat you to a meal out so you get time away from the kitchen she may go along with it.
the fact you have invited her, and giving her a bed for the night proves you are not a bad DIL. You will just be too busy that day to entertain her and the family.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Thu 28-Aug-14 18:31:20

Oh just seen the PIL are staying the night before. Get them to help out in the morning so you can all go out for a nice lunch together - in say a pub. Then you leave early with DH, get BIL to keep the rest at the pub for as long as possible, including the kids if he can.

m0therofdragons Thu 28-Aug-14 18:36:45

The idea of them taking dc out is good in theory but pil freak out when in charge of all three. I won't be having lunch as party starts at 2.30 and hall is ours from 2 so from 1pm we'll be loading the cars etc before that I'll be cooking 50 scones so they're fresh (yes I know buying them would be easier). Mil thinks the day is about her time with dc but it isn't, lots of people want to see them who also love them.
Dh says, if there are two ways to take something mil will always take it in a way that upsets her. She's getting worse though.

phantomnamechanger Thu 28-Aug-14 18:37:51

no no no no no YANBU

MIL on the other hand is entitled and unhelpful to say the least!

HansieLove Thu 28-Aug-14 18:48:10

I'm still trying to recover from the catering for seventy thought.

m0therofdragons Thu 28-Aug-14 18:58:58

It seemed like a good idea. A few key dates we wanted to mark so thought an afternoon tea style party would be stress free... I love making cakes but may have got a bit carried away with the invites. You know when you invite family but never in a million years expect them to come? Well, ours all said yes. Fab to feel very loved but mil cannot see this is stressful - this from a woman who panics about cooking for 7 people when we visit (us 5 plus fil and mil), you'd think she'd get it.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Thu 28-Aug-14 19:07:31

You are not the one being unreasonable here. How bloody rude of her to expect lunch for 11 people at your house right before an afternoon tea party that you are hosting? She has the hide of a rhino.

Ignore the tears. Just tell (or get DH to tell her?) what is happening, which is after breakfast they are going out with BIL, the grandparents etc and are all meeting away from your house.

If she carries on either calmly say to her 'It is not all about you'.

You say she is getting worse... put your foot down now or life will become absolute hell.

She is welcome - you are not being a horrible DIL - she is just not welcome to dictate what will happen in your home. End of.

Hissy Thu 28-Aug-14 19:09:28

tell your MIL that if she's coming, she's coming to HELP, not make things harder.

or perhaps she's better of postponing her visit altogether?

don't fall for the snot and tears, it's just to hijack the attention and make it all about HER.

say NO, mean it and refuse to discuss it further. no matter what shit she pulls.

BackforGood Thu 28-Aug-14 19:18:00

YANBU at all. Surely she should be asking what she can do to lighten your load - what cakes she can bring up with her, for example.

Not sure why you'd need lunch if you are having brunch, then afternoon tea confused

Judo123 Thu 28-Aug-14 19:23:43

Mil is being selfish and unreasonable. You are going to be rushed off your feet trying to please everyone. Think of your own sanity and do what is best for you not Mil!

clam Thu 28-Aug-14 19:33:48

She expects WHAAAT?

I'd have looked shock at her and said, "you having a laugh? No WAY is that happening, sorry."

End of discussion.

m0therofdragons Thu 28-Aug-14 19:34:33

I suggested brunch so I didn't have to do lunch - I've ordered croissants and pain au chocolats and will make tea. Mil doesn't bake but she vaguely suggested she wanted to be helpful but she said that when visiting 8 days after twins were born and I'd had a cs plus was breastfeeding, dh had a shower and she asked me to make her and fil tea... dh found me making it and practically threw them out.
Dh has been very clear in messages written and verbal so now grandparents aren't coming (turns out they never planned to and mil had invented it) so now she thinks 9 of us for lunch is fine. She's only hearing what she wants to hear. Dh is totally on my side and being firm with her but she's not letting up. I'm glad I'm not bu I was starting to think we were and I was just not seeing it.

Cinnamon73 Thu 28-Aug-14 19:47:09

You're so not bu, I'm amazed you have overnight visitors if you cater for 70 the day after.

middlings Thu 28-Aug-14 19:50:26

You had me at 'sobbing.' Ridiculous nonsense. I've snever understood grown ups snivelling in the hope that they'll Get their way. Does it ever work?!

Glad DH is on side and no, yadnbu. Good luck with your party smile

frazmum Thu 28-Aug-14 20:01:22

Easy enough to provide lunch. Put a couple of loaves of bread, butter, sandwich fillings and cold meat on the kitchen bench.
Options are make your own lunch, go without or take yourself to a cafe/pub.

You're providing brunch and an afternoon tea - the same number of hours between the two as breakfast and lunch. I wish more people would do brunch, it's my favourite meal.

Sunny67 Thu 28-Aug-14 20:10:10

Maybe they could do a carpet picnic in the front room, a few shop bought snacks, sandwiches, sausage rolls or the like and couple of board games to keep everyone out of your hair while getting the party sorted? Or maybe she just wants to be a down right awkward mare. Either way, I hope you and everyone else has a lovely time.

m0therofdragons Thu 28-Aug-14 20:11:00

It's not about easy to provide lunch, I don't want people in the house sitting on their back sides while dh and I run round. It will irritate me and I will end up snapping.

OfficerVanHalen Thu 28-Aug-14 20:17:36

Oh dear. Could they not take your dc out if bil and sil go with to help? It kind of sounds like they don't really want to though.

I think your party sounds lovely, and your brunch plans are sensible and thoughtful.

hamptoncourt Thu 28-Aug-14 20:18:49


At least it sounds like you have a Grade A DH who is actually able to stand up to his mummy though, unlike so many who post about these issues.

Just ignore her tantrumming like she is a toddler.

Have a lovely party.

frazmum Thu 28-Aug-14 20:19:14

In that case don't provide lunch. They are not going to starve between brunch and afternoon tea. Can you give them directions to a couple of easy to get to pubs/cafes.

Your MIL is being unreasonable.

OfficerVanHalen Thu 28-Aug-14 20:23:53

Of course, you could always be all, oh dear mil, I could really do without the dc under my feet when I'm baking and shit, I had hoped you'd help with that, never mind, I will see if my dparents can come a couple of hours earlier and take the dc to maccy ds or the park or summat. Then do that, and DO NOT COOK LUNCH - that is fair - your dparents get quiet quality time and to give the dc their presents, ils get quality time with dc's the night before, and next time you offer mil a sensible compromise she might grow the fuck up and take it instead of going around "sobbing" FFS.

But I am actually evil incarnate.

Icimoi Thu 28-Aug-14 20:26:41

What a ridiculous thing to cry about. She's getting to see her grandchildren overnight, all morning and all afternoon. All you're asking is that you shouldn't be expected to provide lunch for 11 people at the same time as you're preparing tea for 70. You couldn't be more reasonable.

And what's this with refusing to drive on motorways? If I were your fil, I'd tell her that if she doesn't want to travel the most convenient way, either she does the driving or she goes by train.

VeryStressedMum Thu 28-Aug-14 20:30:28

Just give them the options and get on with what you were planning to do. Let her get on with whatever it is she wants to do.

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