To think that my mother can't expect to come to us for Christmas every year?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I have told her that it is DH's parents' turn to come to us this year, and she had a hissy fit, asking me "Well where am I supposed to go?" and "Your DH has a brother - why can't they go to him every year?" (ignoring the fact that they also alternate and have SBIL's wife's parents every other year - her response to that was, well they can all go there together, can't they?")

Her brothers won't have her because "she ruins Christmas for everyone and never helps, just expects to be waited on hand and foot".

She has been to my cousin in the past, but my cousin has had a very tough year, losing both of her parents, and has said that she and her DH are going away on their own this year.

She has been away to a hotel with the friend that she goes on holiday with, but has fallen out with this friend since they went on holiday in the summer.

She can't come to us with the inlaws, as she shouted at my DMIL years ago, calling her "common and ill mannered" (she is neither). DMIL has always said she is prepared to let bygones be bygones if my mother will apologise, so that they can move on. My mother has always refused to apologise, as she "doesn't see that what she did was so wrong - it's true, she is common."

I feel a bit that it is history repeating itself, as she refused to have her mother for Christmas, as she had a party on Christmas Eve every year and said her mother "would not have fitted in."

[Chottie]

No.

[ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets]

Don't have her. Don't ruin Christmas for yourself.

She'll get over it.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I think she is likely to sit at home on her own and fester and tell everyone that her daughter wouldn't have her for Christmas.

Last time the inlaws came she called me on Christmas Day and told me I was "shit as a daughter."

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Gosh, don't think I'd want her any christmas!

I guess you just have to keep repeating that she can't come this year because of the being rude to your mil thing.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Don't answer the phone to her on christmas day this year! She sounds umm hard work.

[XiCi]

My initial thought was that I couldn't imagine ever not wanting my mum at Xmas and it would break my heart to think she was on her own however yours does sound a bit of a nightmare

[ilovesooty]

She sounds horrible. I wouldn't want to have her at all.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

The thing is, she never interacts with anyone while she is here. She plonks her arse in a chair with her book and just sits there - doesn't speak to the DC, won't play games with them etc etc, and expects to be waited on hand and foot - eg she will say "You could die of thirst around here" rather than ask or make herself a cup of tea. Although she does make herself tea now - just herself, never asks anyone else if they want a cup.

I think MrsCB is right, and I just have to keep repeating it!

[patienceisvirtuous]

Could you be okay with her spending it alone? She does sound a pain... but I couldn't.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

She's made her bed, rather, hasn't she?

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

she will say "You could die of thirst around here" rather than ask or make herself a cup of tea.

Ah, fuck that.

It's Christmas Day, have fun and enjoy yourself.

She'll be fine. If she doesn't interact with anyone anyway what's the difference?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

What would you suggest then, Patience? That I go down on my own, or with the DC, and spend a miserable day with her, while DH has Christmas at ours with his parents?

I think she should ask herself why no-one wants to spend Christmas with her, but she won't. It's always everyone else's fault.

[londonrach]

Only fair way us alternate between parents.

[Millipedewithherfeetup]

How old is your mother ? What if this could be the last Christmas you could send together ? I would give my right arm to be able to have my mum for Christmas (passed over 20 years ) so, in answer to your question, yabu, she gave you life so d it's her right to be waited on hand and foot.

[diddl]

She sounds hard work.

it's just a day & she'll cope!

[YouTheCat]

You are being entirely fair.

If she ends up being alone on Christmas day it is her own fault. Let her fester.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi]

Just be bright and breezy and ignore any guilt trips

You don't have to ever see anyone you don't want to at christmas so she should count herself lucky that you are being kind enough to have her every other year

[MrsSchadenfreude]

She will almost certainly interact with the inlaws though, King Joffrey. She will be rude and unpleasant. Her brother won't have her because she got drunk and played his two daughters off against each other, siding with one, then the other, which resulted in a physical fight between them. She wound them up and then sat back to see what would happen. While she won't do this with the inlaws, she will make snide and nasty comments, either to their faces or behind their back, but making sure they hear.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It seems that according to some people, if you want to be demanding, rude, unpleasant, selfish and bitter, all you need do is reproduce. Then be as nasty as you like and everyone else has to suck it up.

[YouTheCat]

Wtf? 'She gave you life so it's her right to be waited on'? Sod that.

[diddl]

And perhaps if she's happy to be blunt, tell her the truth-she's a miserable, unhelpful pita!

[angstridden2]

OMG how sad that mother is so obnoxious that her daughter doesn't want her. Her own fault I suppose, but I would have hated my mum to be on her own and really really hope my own children would have me for Christmas Day at least.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi]

Millipede it could be anyone's last christmas, that is a silly argument

Giving birth to someone isn't a favour you do them that means they are indebted to you, it's a choice to have a child- they don't owe you anything!

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Millipede - so how is it her right to be waited on hand and foot? What about DH's mother? Doesn't she deserve this too?

I think (and I do feel guilty about this) that I would feel huge relief if I knew it was the last Christmas I would spend with her. Your mother was obviously pleasant. Mine is not. (She hates DH with a passion as well, and always has.)

[Elderflowergranita]

Totally disagree with you there Milli. I'm sorry for your loss, but your love for your mother does not seem to be applicable to this situation.

Some parents are just toxic, and the OP owes it to herself and her family to distance herself from this behaviour.