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AIBU?

To tell my daughter to hit back.

92 replies

NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 16:58

We are in a temporary flat at the moment and my daughter plays with a group of kids here. One lad plays in the group and has taken a liking to hitting my daughter. He has punched her in the back. Hit her in the face. And kicked her in the ribs when she was tying her shoe lace as witnessed by the other children who all confirm she had done nothing to him.

With this latest one I decided it was time to see the mother. Usually I don't get involved but she was badly bruised and winded.

The mother immediately bit my head off and tried to tell me my daughter had two older boys hit her son. My daughter doesn't know any older boys at all or goes anywhere older boys would be. I told her that my daughter was the one with the bruises and that talking to the other children her son was the instigator. She called my daughter and I bitches and shut the door in my face.

I will not tell me daughter she is not to play with her friends because of this lad. So I have told her the next time he touches her she has my full permission to hit him back. This is not something I advocate but this is a rough area sadly and with the mother unapproachable I'm not sure what else I can do.

OP posts:

Report

LST · 28/08/2014 16:59

I'd ring 101 personally and report it.

KirstyJC · 28/08/2014 17:02

How old are they? Agree 101 sounds the best option, unless he is really young.

AuntieStella · 28/08/2014 17:02

Are you reasonably sure she will win if she hits back?

Does she know how to hit effectively? Does she know how to fight if he follows up with more blows? Does she know how to block blows?

What would her future in this group be like if she tries to hit back and loses any ensuing exchanges?

BookABooSue · 28/08/2014 17:04

How old are they? And would your DD tell you if older boys had hit the other DC?

NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 17:05

My daughter went to karate for three years. As such she believes in not hitting unless it's self defense. In this case it is. They are both eight. I am certain she would win. She is a tough cookie but also a very gentle girl. This lad is shorter than her.

I didn't realise you could report it. I am going to do that too.

OP posts:

Vitalstatistix · 28/08/2014 17:06

I don't think that would help. It would likely escalate things. He would probably retaliate by hitting or kicking your daughter even harder and she could get really hurt.

How old is your daughter and how old is this boy?

How temporary is temporary? If this is not going to be your home for long, I would take the easy option and stop my child playing out and have kids in instead (this boy not allowed, obviously), or take them to the park and so on, so that she is kept away from him but has opportunities to socialise.

It's just not worth your daughter getting walloped, just so she can stay playing out when there are alternatives. If she hits him and he punches her in the face, then what? She's the one that will be hurt. You have to be careful. And if the mother is as you describe, what if she responds by knocking your door and smacking you?

(I grew up on a rough estate. This is how things panned out there)

Vitalstatistix · 28/08/2014 17:07

x post.

If she has the ability to defend herself then she should certainly do that. Blocking him, etc.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2014 17:07

Be extremely careful advising her to hit back if she has done martial arts. If she really hurts him, you have told her to hit back and she has training, that's not good.

phantomnamechanger · 28/08/2014 17:08

I wouldn't tell her to hit back, no.
The mother has already gone verbal at you, next time it might end in violence! No wonder the kid is like that .
I would just avoid them like the plague and count the days till you leave. ANY aggro they instigate, 101 straight away - I bet they are "known"

NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 17:10

If the mother arrives at my door to smack me she wouldn't get on very well. I went to karate for years as my father is a black belt. I can certainly hold my own though I've never had to as I don't believe in violence.

At the same time my daughter has a lovely friendship with the kids around here and I am not going to limit that because of this boy. Of course I don't want to see my daughter hurt but I doubt that would be the case.

OP posts:

NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 17:10

I could be here for another year yet.

OP posts:

phantomnamechanger · 28/08/2014 17:11

You can bet your bottom dollar that as soon as DD retaliates the boy is in for a huge shock and will go bleating to his mum and he will become the victim and the one hard done by.
I also agree that her being "trained in karate" could count against her/you - it would be like the burglars who sue homeowners for injuring them!

whitepuddingsupper · 28/08/2014 17:13

I'd tell your daughter the same thing you did OP if you are confident she will come off better. I hope the little shit thinks better of hitting girls after he gets beaten up by one in front of his mates.

specialsubject · 28/08/2014 17:14

call 101 for some advice. The other child is clearly being brought up in a violent family; if he doesn't badly injure your daughter, the mother may do it herself. Also the mother will clearly happily lie about what happens.

adding violence won't solve this one. Your daughter may have to be helped to find somewhere else to play.

difficult I know, but try to sympathise with the boy who does not have a decent parent like you.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2014 17:15

If so far she's been punched in the back, hit in the face and kicked in the ribs, are you absolutely sure she can defend herself?

I know she's done karate but that doesn't always make a difference.

Just remember that as soon as she hits back, she'll probably find herself in a fight.

Boaty · 28/08/2014 17:20

Does your DD still do karate? If not, it might be worth taking her back..just the confidence increase might help...plus the toe rag seeing her in a Gi and with belt might be a deterrent..he won't want to risk being humiliated if it came to a head!
It worked for my DD..the kids on our estate gave her a healthy wide berth! In fact, the worst offender was positively nice to her! She has only used it twice, once when she was mugged, mugger came off worse and a groper outside a nightclub! DD is now an instructor!

hackmum · 28/08/2014 17:20

Hmm. I honestly think this is a risky strategy. She has to be absolutely sure that she can hit him harder than he can hit her. She also has to be sure that he isn't then going to send a gang of his friends round to give her a good kicking. Or that he's not going to send his mum round to beat you up - let's face it, they sound like a pretty grim family, and who knows what they might do next.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 28/08/2014 17:21

I think you've done the right thing.

If your dd doesn't hit back he will just keep hitting her. If she hits him he should stop, especially if word gets round he's been battered by a lassie.

NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 17:21

Yes worra because she won't retaliate. I've always brought them up not to but to come and tell me. However I feel useless because I can't make it stop. However now she has my permission to defend herself she will.

I'd love to have sympathy for the boy but I don't. Flame me if you want but I'm sick of seeing my child cry because of his violence.

OP posts:

NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 17:23

I am really really not concerned about the mother. In fact the mood I'm in right now I'd welcome her to come to my door

What I am concerned about is the injuries being done to my child. And the inability to put a stop to it without making her stay in which would make her absolutely miserable.

OP posts:

BookABooSue · 28/08/2014 17:23

How will you feel if she is hurt because she follows your advice? Unless she manages to hurt the boy enough that he starts crying and stops hitting, then she is going to be in the middle of a fight, and you won't really have grounds to go to anyone's door because she hit back.

If it was my DC, I'd be taking her somewhere else to play for a while until it calmed down. The situation is already escalated because of the exchange with the mum.

Also, just as an aside, do people really call the police about 8-yr-olds fighting?

NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 17:25

It's not just kids fighting though is it. She is a girl. He is a boy. He has kicked her in her back. Meaning she wasn't facing him. Punched her in her face. And now taken a run up and kicked her in her ribs when bent over tying her shoe lace. I don't call that a spat as much as a bullying little sod.

OP posts:

DoubtfireDear · 28/08/2014 17:28

I've told my son to hit back if he has been hit. I don't condone violence generally, buy over the summer he has been punched in the face twice, had a rock smashed across his knuckles and been slapped/punched in the back by children who are either older than him or the same age but more "savvy" having older brothers/sisters to copy.

Unfortunately when it happens DS gets really upset and wont hit back, despite me telling him it's ok to hit back as long as you never hit first.

I think, if your daughter can hold her own and is sensible enough to hit back in defense but not to end up giving this boy a real hiding, then you should tell her to do just that. Once the boy gets a taste of his own medicine and realises your daughter is not a soft touch he'll hopefully be less likely to pick on her.

morethanpotatoprints · 28/08/2014 17:31

I taught mine to hit them back as hard as they could, kick in nuts, and then run home if they got up again
You can't expect them or teach them to stand there and take being bullied.
Strangely enough none of my dc were ever bullied.

They knew though that they would be in real trouble if they hit first.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2014 17:31

She is a girl. He is a boy. She is bigger than him and has three years of martial arts. The fact that her genitals look different to his is neither here nor there. It is bullying, though and needs to stop.

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