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Believe it or not i am not a bridezilla

(114 Posts)
KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:38:04

I'm going to get flamed for this...

Ok, getting married in Dec. My poor mate is organising my hen do for end Nov. Only wanted a dinner/drinks in the interest of keeping cost down for people but she twisted my arm and its for one night, and within 40 miles of everyone. She heard back from everyone (ive organised these things before and its a ball ache so im really grateful to her). She had trouble getting hold of one person who eventually came back two weeks later to say she wont be coming because she doesnt know anyone. This is someone i have bent over backwards for in the past with no intention of receiveing anything in return. I am really surprised at how irritated i am by this. I would rather she had made up a better excuse. Aib totally u?

monkeymamma Thu 28-Aug-14 14:22:39

Sometimes I don't understand MN at all! I don't think YABU in the slightest OP, what a shit excuse.
The OP is not forcing anyone to come - just upset at such a lousy reason. If for whatever reason the friend can't face this event, she could give another, better reason.
And what's all this she doesn't know anyone? She knows the bride ffs!

KoalaDownUnder Thu 28-Aug-14 12:18:27

Actually, fuck that, it's childish to not go somewhere you're invited because you don't know anyone.

Not if it's an overnight stay in a hotel, it isn't. That's quite a chunk of time (and money) for something not very relaxing unless you're a really extroverted person.

I might agree with you if it was just a night out.

PeachyParisian Thu 28-Aug-14 11:29:48

Actually, fuck that, it's childish to not go somewhere you're invited because you don't know anyone.
My little sister accompanied me everywhere when we were little because I was shy but very bossy

The amount of dire parties and nights out I've attended for a dear friend are countless, I dislike her friends and even managed to not look like a mardy cow the whole time.

And trying to wrangle an invite for someone's wedding or hen do is brass necky.

PeachyParisian Thu 28-Aug-14 11:26:09

I actually think YANBU OP, I think she's being rude. I wouldn't want someone at my wedding you didn't give enough of a shit to make any effort for my hen do after I'd done a lot for them.

Then again, I'm rather childish grin

hormonalandneedingcheese Wed 27-Aug-14 21:56:11

OP if she has a habit of not bothering with you and she takes without giving anything in the friendship then why bother even inviting her?

I'd be pissed off too if a friend didn't RSVP to a wedding, had to be chased and then stated they'd be bringing someone- inviting someone who isn't on an invite is a big faux paux and so very rude and entitled.

I don't think you sound bridezilla, I think you sound like someone who has finally realised her 'friend' is actually a user but you are confusing the hen do issue with everything else when really it's just the last nail in the coffin.

Had you omitted the hen do issue and just asked 'AIBU to feel fucked off and like my friend s using me? I do everything for her, she never others with me and when I invite her to my wedding, she invited someone else and I had to chase her to even find out' then I expect you would have plenty of 'LTB'

Didyouevah Wed 27-Aug-14 20:14:06

I was guilted into going to a hen do to make up numbers. It was a fucking disaster.

Expensive and awful.

Be pleased you won't be "that bride" wink

Dumpylump Wed 27-Aug-14 20:02:02

I understand why you're disappointed op, I really do....but, on the other hand, I've been in your friends position too.
I went to an overnight hen do where I knew only the bride. The train journey where everyone started drinking at 10 am - I managed to join in (a bit), the show in the afternoon - was great, the everybody having a laugh getting ready together in the hotel - not so much, because I was in a room on my own and nobody told me they were all getting ready together just along the corridor, and the fancy dress theme that they all appeared in when it was time to go for the meal - well first I knew of it was when they all trooped out of the lift! The limo driver looked me up and down and said "I take it you didn't get the email love?"
I'm not suggesting your hen night would be like that at all, but perhaps that's what your friend is imagining, and I must admit, I will never ever go on another hen do where I only know the bride. I am so old now that it's unlikely anyway

Bearbehind Wed 27-Aug-14 19:29:35

The more you post OP, the more bridezilla and divaesque you sound.

Sorry to disappoint but I am lucky to have fantastic, meaningful friendships about people I care very much about.

What gave you the impression anyone would be disappointed by your 'fantastic' friends? hmm

You do sound pretty high maintenance and it seems that you are keeping score on your friendships in order to ensure you get out what you put in.

She doesn't want to go to your hen do on her own- you don't want her to bring anyone else so you have a stalemate - she's no more unreasonable than you are.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 19:23:32

I begrudge doing things for her lately, not previously. I have gladly done endless things for her, willingly and without any resentment whatsoever. She has an extremely good job, but when she moved to London i happily put her up, for 2 months, cooked for her every night as did my boyfriend.

Diddl that is a little how i feel, but not entirely. She will not have to spend a penny all day and night which she knows. I am implying nothing by this other than the fact that it should be a fun day for her with her mate.

SierpinskiNumber Wed 27-Aug-14 19:12:51

You begrudge doing things for her, you think she is selfish and you don't like the way she is 'take, take take' however you are not going to say anything to her because it would be disingenuous confused hmm

You are also pissed off with her for inviting a friend which is fair enough
It sounds like this 'friendship' is doomed.

diddl Wed 27-Aug-14 18:30:15

Is she only going to the wedding because she's bringing a friend though?

If so, she's only celebrating Ops marriage on her terms!

MackerelOfFact Wed 27-Aug-14 16:22:15

She's coming to your wedding, so she clearly does care about "celebrating her friends' happiness".

You admit that this isn't the hen do you really wanted because of the cost etc - if it'd been a meal as you'd envisaged it would've been easier for those that don't know anyone. An overnight trip with people you don't know sounds like quite an expensive weekend of awkward boredom to me.

If she's such a crap friend why do you care so much that she isn't coming?

crje Wed 27-Aug-14 16:10:43

Be careful what you push for.
I didn't want to go to my good friends hen. I was guilted into going and really resented it.
We are not as close now.
Be a grown up and don't push .

BackforGood Wed 27-Aug-14 16:10:42

Agree with Koala - surely she should reply to whoever sent the invitation.

Also agree very much with Penguin's description of a friend who would rescue me if me car broke down, cheer me up if I got made redundant, brought me a casserole when I had a new baby. I have lots of friends who are very good friends, despite the fact we don't share the same idea of a night out or weekend away. I can still be friends with them, just because their idea of a good night out might be my idea of hell. Neither of us would expect the other to do something they didn't want to if it would make them uncomfortable. YOu just don't need friends to do that.

Since when did an extravagant hen night constitute part of the wedding ? confused - IME, it's always been just an excuse for young people who like that sort of night anyway, to have another night out, not something at which attendance measures how much you like the bride.
I have 2 SiLs - both of whom I like very much, and get on with very well, but I didn't go on either of their hen nights.

KoalaDownUnder Wed 27-Aug-14 15:50:40

Also, why do you think she should have contacted you regarding the hen's night? Surely the invitation came from your friend who is organising said night, and that's who she RSVPd to? I don't get what she's supposed to have done wrong here!

KoalaDownUnder Wed 27-Aug-14 15:45:07

It pissed you off that she didn't RSVP to the wedding invitation until after the deadline, or it pissed you off that she's bringing someone?? confused

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 15:31:30

Temporary, basically, I dont think she is aware my friend has told me she wont be coming to the hen do.

She certainly hasn't contacted me to tell me she wont be coming and it is clear that it is an intimate list of valued people.

temporaryusername Wed 27-Aug-14 15:28:36

'she isn't aware that I don't know she will not be coming'

Sorry, I haven't had enough sleep to decipher that wink

MyFairyKing Wed 27-Aug-14 15:26:40

You obviously don't like her, so why are you bothered? Phase her out.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 15:21:32

re-read my earlier message - she isn't aware that I don't know she will not be coming. She hasn't contacted me about it.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 15:20:12

Thanks temporary - honestly, there is not a chance she has picked up any hostility on my part. None at all. I often find with our conversations that it is 75% about her.

I haven't ever begrudged doing anything for her until recently.

I wouldn't want to go into details as they are very specific.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 15:17:06

Sorry to disappoint but I am lucky to have fantastic, meaningful friendships about people I care very much about.

Said friend is selfish, i'm coming to realise. Like I said, she is 'take take take' and i have wised up to this.

Sometimes the advice on here is totally impractical - why would you text someone a slushy message about understanding when she has no idea she's not coming to it? As it happens, I had to ask her if she was coming to the wedding because hers was the only rsvp slip we hadn't received (received invitation 4 months before deadline), that's how I found out she was bringing her mate. That p1ssed me off.

I gratefully received your suggestions and opinions, really I did. But I just don't feel bad about this despite from what i've noticed - people on MN generally hate weddings.

I for one love celebrating my friends' happiness.

temporaryusername Wed 27-Aug-14 15:10:30

You say you have done things for her with no expectation of anything in return, but you sound quite resentful of having had to do them. I do understand being upset, but I think I would have called her and reassured her about coming. At least then you would have spoken and picked up on anything in her tone that was relevant.

I was invited to a hen weekend where I only really knew the bride, and she also invited a friend of mine along (whom she had met but didn't really know). However, my friend couldn't make it, but I still went.

I do think it is a bit off to go or not go just based on whether she thinks she'll have a good time. I might get flamed for that, but if you have done a lot for her and she knows you'd like her there, she could make the effort. If she is shy or anxious that would be different.

On the whole though you do sound quite unreasonable and angry. If you're not a bridezilla, you're on the way to becoming one. Allowing her a plus one is not something you should be emphasising as a huge sacrifice on your part!!! I wouldn't be surprised if she has picked up some negativity from you.

tittifilarious Wed 27-Aug-14 15:08:02

Appreciate all the responses. I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous.

You want your friend to do something she doesn't want to do just because you're getting married? <cough> Bridezilla <cough>

daphnehoneybutt Wed 27-Aug-14 15:02:56

Hmmm If I was her I would use the hen as an opportunity to meet people before the wedding so you have something to make small talk about on the day...

Really though OP its better she doesn't come than turns up and acts weird and miserable cos she doesn't know anyone!

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