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to want the mother of my child to email me a response?

(220 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 16:43:29

I became a Dad to a beautiful boy last August. although the situation is not how i planned, i am proud to have become a father even though my visits are limited to once a month. He was changed my life for the better.

I need to explain that she is in the Midlands and i am in east Anglia, i was living in the same city as her but moved away before she became pregnant (still meeting up)

Me and his mother were FWB. We got pregnant and i told her i did not want a relationship but would support my son. We agreed to raise him together as friends.

soon after his birth things went south. Everything we agreed on she has not followed through:

1) double barrelled surname (agreed then changed her mind)
2) visiting his grandparents (as above)
3) allowing me time alone with him (as above)
4) getting christened (i refused but she stated the church only needs one parents consent)

as well as not keeping her promise she is also starting to say some very nasty things to me. not only are the totally untrue (and can be proven with text messages) It's quite obvious that she is trying to become an obstacle between me and my sons relationship.

last week i asked for her email address. I informed her that i will be sending her emails with all these requests i have made and that she can reply in her own time.

in my opinion this is the only way that i can get cast iron evidence that i am trying to make the effort and she is not letting me.

she has refused to do this.

i made the decision last week to find work and move back to the same city as her with the intention of taking a hands on role in my sons life. It wont happen overnight i know that.

So my question is .........

Am i being unreasonable to ask my childs mother to email me a response to my requests?

would you be receptive to the idea?

would you show these emails to your child in 17 years time?

have i opened up a can of worms?

any advice would be much appreciated.


DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:27

Hi all,

We've received quite a few reports about this thread, and think it's best to suspend it for a while so we can take a look into things.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:22

Who asks money related and personal questions? Your parents? Or hers?

I want I want I want.

In my house I want doesn't get.

Yes your mother is unreasonable. The child will be over a year. Your mother hasn't made any effort until now. She should be bending over backwards and walking on nails for the chance to see her grandson now.

If she really is interested in him.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:11

maybe i should do what a lot of my peers have done and simply walk away?

LoveTheSmellOfCucumber Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:03

My x was like this in that he thought ihad a respinsibility to visit his family. ( drive there, use in my free time, pay for petrol etc).

His mother had a right go at me several times so i had to tell her that the route to a good relationship with her gc was thru a better relationship wuth her son. She didnt like that of course as ut would have suited them better if id continued to do what i waa told.

Id tell op's x not to fear court. Get some free time. Have maintenance formalused and let him invite or include or exclude his (op's) relativesas he sees fit. Why should his x endure the charade of happy familys. Nightmare for her.

icanmakeyouicecream Sun 24-Aug-14 18:55:09


genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:54:37

i have a low income and can only afford one trip per month.

my parents are angry at the situation if im honest. they dont really want to speak to her parents, they ask lots of money related and personal questions.

my mum is going to come and see him in september but she does not want to go to her home (her parents)

she will be staying in a hotel and i want to bring my son to my friends house which is less than a 5 minute walk (they are teachers so no issues with the house)

is that unreasonable?

finallydelurking Sun 24-Aug-14 18:54:18

maths you are my new favourite poster! Though you had strong competition from spartak early on in the thread! grin

UptheChimney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:52:54

because he is my son

OMG, male privilege & entitlement right there

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:52:23

And trying to get random women off the internet to phone him demonstrates that he has improved does it?

gentlehoney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:51:10

Needsasock, Yes, I know it is of his own making, but there is no need to deprive the child of seeing his father just because he was a bit of a wassock in the past.
If he can be a responsible parent now then it should be encouraged.

sonjadog Sun 24-Aug-14 18:50:35

Look, this is what you do:

You arrange contact formally. So that you have your son on certain days/ holidays.

Then when you are caring for your son you can take him to see your parents.

You are responsible for contact between your son and your family, his mother is not.

SuffolkNWhat Sun 24-Aug-14 18:47:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 18:47:24

gentle he was the one who said he would come and see him once a month not her, the lack of contact is his choice

gentlehoney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:44:25

I am really sorry that you and your son can only see each other once a month. If I was you I would explain to your "friend" how much you love your baby, how you want to help as much as you can, and how you want what is best for your son.
If she sees that you are not going to turn it into a battle she will be likely to arrange for you to have more time.
Conflict will only hurt your son in the end.

MommyBird Sun 24-Aug-14 18:43:36


I would imagine thats why your ex is slightly pissed.
He's 1. They havn't met him, they havn't made the 6 hour trip to see him yet they want her and her 1 year old to because its easier for them.

BookABooSue Sun 24-Aug-14 18:41:57

Perhaps you've missed some of the posts because so far, from a quick skim,
the summary of advice would be:
* speak to a solicitor
*possibly get a mutual friend to liaise between you both
* do move back to the same city
* try to appreciate how challenging it has been for your DS' mother to raise him on her own
* suggest your parents get staff who can cover when they are sick and also to allow them to travel to visit your DS
* try to realise that most DMs would be reluctant to let a DC travel without them to visit people they do not know - this is not your DS' mum being difficult
* don't focus on storing emails for a big reveal in 17 years time - it won't be helpful
* focus on building a relationship now

Oh, and a very pertinent one for this forum:
* don't ask posters to call you


mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:40:50

I'll repeat myself.

Why have your parents not once in a year made the effort for the day to go and visit? Have you no family/friends/farmhands/relief milkers who could be coralled/paid to do the necessary for one day? If not, you should think of putting that in place as soon as you can, if not for the sake of your son then just for the sake of your parents. If some one or other of them took very unwell how would the businesses cope?

MommyBird Sun 24-Aug-14 18:40:16

My MIL had my in hours old DD1 taken to her house because she 'couldn't get to our house'
15 mins away.

We don't have anything to do with her anymore because she can't be arsed to put in any effort to see her grandchildren.

If your parents wanted to meet him. They would find a way.

UptheChimney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:39:50

with the exception of 5 days, all my annual leave has been used up visiting my son. she was not happy i used 5 days going to a festival

Whereas she is unlikely to have any break at all from being a parent. You need to realise the reality, not get all holier-than-thou about what a good father you are

Owllady Sun 24-Aug-14 18:39:24

Just get legal advice and go through the proper channels.
If your parents have a farm then it's entirely understandable they can't leave their livestock but it's up to you to make the effort to facilitate this but in order to do that it seems you will need overnight access. So I suggest you seek legal advice
I'd stop communicating with each other tbh if all you do scanning one another

As for keeping emails letters to show your son. Please don't. The only person it hurts is him

VeryStressedMum Sun 24-Aug-14 18:39:11

Also, why exactly can't your parents see him apart from being farmers (I know lots of farmers they leave their farm), or did I miss that bit too?

CecilyP Sun 24-Aug-14 18:38:03

Your parents might want to meet your son but obviously not enough to make any effort whatsoever to do so, so if your ex tells him the absolute truth, it doesn't show your parents in a very good light.

VeryStressedMum Sun 24-Aug-14 18:36:44

Also, why exactly can you only see your son once a month, did I miss that bit?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:35:15

When I had my kids their great-grandmother visited. She had to travel almost 2.5 hours and she was in her late eighties when DS was born.

By the time I had DD2 she was 91 and just out of hospital (two weeks) after a heart attack.

She still ripped me and my ex a new one for travelling to see her with such a small baby and the other kids.

Your parents are not showing themselves in a good light by the fact they haven't made any effort.

KanyeBeArsed Sun 24-Aug-14 18:35:10

trolls trolls everywhere

Say what???? You should know the MN rules by bow: if you suspect trollery you should report it mate.

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