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to want the mother of my child to email me a response?

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genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 16:43:29

I became a Dad to a beautiful boy last August. although the situation is not how i planned, i am proud to have become a father even though my visits are limited to once a month. He was changed my life for the better.

I need to explain that she is in the Midlands and i am in east Anglia, i was living in the same city as her but moved away before she became pregnant (still meeting up)

Me and his mother were FWB. We got pregnant and i told her i did not want a relationship but would support my son. We agreed to raise him together as friends.

soon after his birth things went south. Everything we agreed on she has not followed through:

1) double barrelled surname (agreed then changed her mind)
2) visiting his grandparents (as above)
3) allowing me time alone with him (as above)
4) getting christened (i refused but she stated the church only needs one parents consent)

as well as not keeping her promise she is also starting to say some very nasty things to me. not only are the totally untrue (and can be proven with text messages) It's quite obvious that she is trying to become an obstacle between me and my sons relationship.

last week i asked for her email address. I informed her that i will be sending her emails with all these requests i have made and that she can reply in her own time.

in my opinion this is the only way that i can get cast iron evidence that i am trying to make the effort and she is not letting me.

she has refused to do this.

i made the decision last week to find work and move back to the same city as her with the intention of taking a hands on role in my sons life. It wont happen overnight i know that.

So my question is .........

Am i being unreasonable to ask my childs mother to email me a response to my requests?

would you be receptive to the idea?

would you show these emails to your child in 17 years time?

have i opened up a can of worms?

any advice would be much appreciated.


needanew Sun 24-Aug-14 17:15:55

exactly what i was thinking spartak .

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:17:20

OP I think you should ask for this thread to be moved to 'Relationships'.

AIBU is for canvassing opinion, rather than advice so you need to be prepared for some people telling you, yes, you are being unreasonable. You might not like that.

Littleturkish Sun 24-Aug-14 17:17:21

What do you think she would say was the reason for it going wrong?

I wouldn't be impressed with my partner going to a music festival for give days after I'd had a baby- has she had similar time to herself? I doubt it.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:18:18

They are not partners though Little

cruikshank Sun 24-Aug-14 17:19:18

Well, I for one can't think why she'd be less than receptive to demands from you, given that she's only spent 345 days this past year raising, caring for and bringing up your child, compared to the 20 you've put in.

Go to a solicitor. Get things sorted out legally.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:20:35

sorry guys i need to explain in more detail i think .....

communication has not completely broken down. we are still in text contact regarding when i come to visit.

in the past i have asked her to come with me to visit my parents. they run two businesses and keep livestock. they have not spent a night away from home for 15 years. it is a lot easier for my son and her to visit us than it is to visit them (she works in a school, term time only) also i have elderly relatives who cannot make the journey who would like to meet him as well as close friends.

my parents have a large house with enough room for everyone. we would have to stay at a hotel to visit him.

her reasons for not visiting are as follows:

1) he's my son, not yours
2) he cant be sat in a car for that long (3 hours)
3) i cant be bothered
4) the ambulance will take to long to come if something happens to him (my favourite)
5) you just want to show him off to your family
6) you're being cruel wanting him to come down
7) you'll confuse him
8) i dont care what you want

Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:20:58

Because you are coming over as huffy, offended and entitled. Reporting a post because you don't agree makes you appear like a nob.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:21:54

She doesn't have to give a reason. Her answer is no. If you to take him to your parents you will have to agree it through the courts.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:22:06

How did you manage to get pregnant?

That's a first for medical science.

And if you didn't want her to get pregnant, why weren't you using a condom?

If you are already contacting her how are you doing it? Mobile? Surely you can keep a text message the same as an email?

Also, "would it be ok if" "do you mind if" "could you possibly" "I informed her". Out of the four choices, three are conciliatory and sound like someone trying to make an effort to work together and one makes you sound like a dick. Like to guess which one?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 17:22:27

Do you communicate with your ex in the same way you have on here? That may explain a lot.

It looks like you want to communicate via email for some type of long term alienation plan and that's a bit odd to say the least and low.

As a general rule I tend to prefer to communicate in writing but I've seen the results when one parent is setting out with the long term goal of proving they are being reasonable to the child and they tend to be pointless comunications and often have little or no relation to the actual events.

Get legal advice the child has a right to a relationship with you and that is the most important bit. Then just take everything forward from that.

On your list point number 1. I would always suggest to a unmarried mother using her own surname exclusively when naming her child unless she didn't give 2 hoots about stuff like that.

2. What are the complications with grandparent visits? Is she preventing your parents from visiting her house?

3. Legal advice

4. What's the issue and what will be achieved by making it one?

Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:22:42

Maybe she doesn't want to spend 6 hours sat in a car with you?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:25:11

I wouldn't go and visit my ex's parents and stay in their house if you paid me a million pounds. They want to see him, then they have to make the effort. If they want to see him they will.

6 hours in the car with you and two days with them and you sounds like my idea of hell on wheels

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:25:44

How did you manage to get pregnant?

They were FWB.

That's a first for medical science.

Not really.

And if you didn't want her to get pregnant, why weren't you using a condom?

Where has he said he didn't want her to get pregnant. He's not complaining about having a child, just that it's complicated to make arrangements.

A lot of assumptions going on here hmm

Terrierterror Sun 24-Aug-14 17:26:07

6 hours in a car with a baby to visit people because they can't be expected to leave their house to see their grandchild.

PasswordProtected Sun 24-Aug-14 17:26:20

FWB, so you were both using contraception?

BookABooSue Sun 24-Aug-14 17:26:27

YANBU but it's not really about being reasonable or unreasonable. tbf that mindset will only get you both more entrenched in your positions. By all means move back to the same city and go to see a solicitor. The latter is the best way to ensure she receives and responds to your communications.

If you're loathe to use a solicitor then do you have a very trusted friend who you both like and respect that could act as go-between?

Emotions are obviously running high between you both so I'd ease off on being quite so adversarial and on thinking of storing up ammunition to show your DS when he is 17. Feeling upset may be understandable but storing emails sounds like point scoring rather than focusing on your DS' welfare.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:27:07

The OP says "we got pregnant" - no, they didn't. His ex FWB got pregnant.

PossumPoo Sun 24-Aug-14 17:27:13

OP you are getting a hard time here. Your FWB does sound pissed off that you didn't do a relationship once you found out she was pregnant. She might feel abandoned by you and probably a bit trapped.

Definitely get a legal advice, unfortunately it seems like it might be the only way you'll get to see your DS.

Little did you actually read the OP? confused

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 17:27:47

OP you really, really need to see this from her perspective. Imagine the HUGE implications that the birth of your child has had on her life. Every single minute of her life - emotionally, physically and financially.

Toughasoldboots Sun 24-Aug-14 17:28:09

*Add message | Report | Message poster Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:20:58
Because you are coming over as huffy, offended and entitled. Reporting a post because you don't agree makes you appear like a nob*

This- exactly.

NigellasPeeler Sun 24-Aug-14 17:28:24

so you want to communicate by email so that in 18 years time you can show them to the child to prove that you tried your very best to see him? and that it was his evil mother that blocked it?
might it not a bit late by then?
sorry I might be a bit biased as this is the kind of crap my ex comes out with.
and why on earth would she want to stay at your parents' remote house in order to facilitate your wishes?

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:29:18

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:29:22

The OP says "we got pregnant" - no, they didn't. His ex FWB got pregnant.

What's your point?

Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:30:13

No. She has a responsibility towards her child and herself.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 17:30:41

would you show these emails to your child in 17 years time?

I agree with others that this statement is very, very telling about your approach. Your priority should always be your child's welfare. Make it your goal that they have the very best relationship they can with their mother, as well as with you. Don't focus on your child being an adult and therefore easier to parent. Focus on now.

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