I'll try not to make this too long...this is a name-change so some of the story may be familiar.
I have a teenage son with autism. I split up with his dad before he was born, amicably. We have stayed close and parent together. I got pregnant by him again last year when we went on holiday (unplanned). After quite a drawn-out and stressful decision-making phase, I decided to go ahead (without telling ex) but then miscarried at 11 weeks. Still didn't tell him or many people except the few I'd trusted about my pregnancy in the first place.
It happened during the Christmas holidays so didn't need/ take any time off work. I went back to work and tried to get back to normal and pretend it hadn't happened but I wasn't sleeping or eating and was being a little unstable at work. I am a secondary teacher with significant management responsibilities so I can't really have an off day. Teaching was fine but then I'd just go and cry in my office. My friends at work who knew what was going on were really worried and kept telling me to be off, eventually going to the head to get him to talk to me.
I didn't want to be off because it felt like failure and I had too much time to think, but, at the same time, I couldn't really cope with the pressure of work. I agreed to go to the GP who asked a lot of questions and diagnosed depression (I didn't accept that label for months but have had to now). She was firm that I should take a few weeks off and I did.
Being off wasn't healthy except I got sleep. I cut myself off from even then people who knew and were supportive (though they didn't give up on me and I'm grateful for that). I went back to work after a few weeks but struggled again with the demands of the job and lack of sleep and was then off for a couple of weeks again. In the meantime, work had sorted out counselling for me and the GP had described anti-depressants.
To cut this long story a little shorter, I went back on a phased return (reduced hours and responsibilities) after Easter and that really helped as I did my teaching but could escape to work at home or sleep if I needed to. It was the GP's suggestion as I was talking about suicide and feeling like a failure by not working but also feeling like I couldn't cope in work. I then didn't have any time off for that whole term and coped with life in general a little better.
But I do accept that I'm not properly better. I can't cope with pregnant people or babies or talking about them. A colleague was showing his wife's scan photos in July and I had to leave the room and sobbed. I can't get over the fact that I should have been having a baby and don't and feel guilty that my unhealthy lifestyle during the pregnancy because I was so stressed by the decision that I wasn't eating or sleeping might have contributed to the outcome.
The counsellor says I've made no progress whatsoever in dealing with my feelings about the miscarriage and won't talk about it. The GP is concerned that none of the anti-depressants have significantly lifted my mood. Everyone says that my anger/ guilt/ feeling like a failure is unhealthy and we all have these brief periods of hope (usually coinciding with sun or a holiday) that I am better and then something shifts and I go back to hating everything.
Doctor has arranged CBT which was supposed to start this week but got cancelled. I don't know how to rearrange it as when term starts (7 days), the head says he wants me 'back to normal' with no time off.
I can feel this panic rising at the thought of going back to work full-time, something I've not done for months. I have had more sleep and more of a break from the real dark thoughts this summer but I'm not 'fixed' and I don't know what to do. Saw my GP last week and she's talking about a referral to a psychiatrist and also saying she really doesn't want me to go back to work full-time. She is seeing me again this week for my decision so she can write a sicknote if I accept her advice.
My worry is that my boss will be furious and my job might be at risk. Work was never the original problem; I have always been good at my job, but my boss was new last September and so has only really seen the distracted (pre-January), crying, time-off (post-January) mess that I have been this year. I tried to swap my role for a less demanding one in June but he wouldn't let me. The role I am going back to is harder with less time to do it. Even 'normal', I would be slightly apprehensive about the workload this coming year.
He has been good about time off but I know that he expects me back properly on 1st September and all that is in my head right now is 'I can't go back'. I might not have made progress with some things but I am currently able to manage my house, my son, my friendships etc. without crying (often) or hiding away. I agree with the GP that going back to work full-time might jeopardise that recovery but NOT going back or going back less than full-time will definitely jeopardise my career stability. Financially, I have to work. I do WANT to work. I want my old life back. I am angry that I don't have it. But I have got better at accepting my current state and wary of jeopardising it.
What the hell do I do?
Please or to access all these features
Please
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AIBU?
or just messed-up and pathetic to get yet another sick note?
42 replies
somewherebeyondthebarricades · 24/08/2014 13:29
OP posts:
quietlysuggests ·
25/08/2014 09:40
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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