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AIBU to leave and think its not all my fault

(29 Posts)
downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 20:49:01

Will try to keep brief and answer any questions
I have epilepsy
I also had an horrific birth about 18 months ago where I did not feel supported by Dh at all. He was not on my side at all and kept yelling at me to calm down. i felt totally bullies by the midwifes and him. After the birth which resulted in forceps and massive hemorrhage the midwife turned to DH and said "well done for bulling her". He was that taken up with DS when he was born that he did not even here the doctor say "if the bleeding does not stop you will have I make some decisions". He also has no idea how much blood I lost as he was not taking any notice.

Since then I have just wanted to be left alone by the medical profession and have not followed up epilespy appointments as I should (some got cancelled and I did not make new ones) I just needed a break from all things medical. I have also admitted to pretending to make an appointment when I didn't. No excuses for that all at I just couldn't go through with it.
Fast forward to now and I have admitted this after being interrogated by him. He is now saying he does not know if he has the strength to support me if I don't support myself.
I have explained time and time again why I did what I did and told him I did not feel supported during the birth.
He said he does not know if he wants to be with me and we should wait and see. In the meantime he has moved into the spare room. Tonight I was having a bath and he will not come in the room.
Since the discussion I have made all my appointments. My parents have even offered to pay for me to see a private consultant in Liverpool as he specialises in my type to epilepsy but DH made that much of a fuss about taking me that I cancelled it.
I know what I did was wrong and I deserve to be hauled over the coals but does it really merit a marrage end.
I have been uncontrolled for 15 years and he know when he married me.
I want to cry

Altinkum Fri 22-Aug-14 20:54:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkyHasNoEars Fri 22-Aug-14 20:57:04

You've said quite a lot about what he wants and what he is asking you to do, but nothing really about what you would like. How does the future look to you? Do you see a future where you are together? Is that what you want?

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Aug-14 21:00:25

So he's saying he thinks the marriage should end specifically because you lied to him about making an appointment when you hadn't?

I think that's unreasonable of him if only because it points to him not really grasping the trauma you're still feeling from the birth.

Why doesn't he get how much it's affected you do you think?

Have you talked to him about it? Actually properly talked without holding anything back? If you didn't feel able to say you can't face going to the docs for your epilepsy, does that mean you haven't?

It's really important for your DS for you to keep up with the appointments <stern look> he needs you, but it's totally understandable that you haven't, you need to maybe talk to your doctor about not wanting to go in?

If your DH knew/knows the extent of your feelings then he really should be supporting you, not getting on your fucking back about lying. That's the smallest thing in what you've said IMO.


(talk to your doctor! smile)

CJMommy Fri 22-Aug-14 21:01:12

Whilst your situation sounds awful I think you need to separate your health issues from your marital issues. You have a responsibility to yourself and your child to attend your appointments. It does sound a little like you are using your husband as an excuse to cancel and then blaming him for doing so? Sorry if I have misinterpreted this. Please start taking care of yourself.

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 21:02:04

I have posted before but a while ago re his changing attitute to my epilesy. He basically goes in a huff when I have a seizure, and if we did spilt he could get Ds off me. you guys advised me to talk to a solicister which i did and what he says is bullshit. As long he is happy to leave DS with me (which he is) he can't then suddenly turn around and say I am an unfit parent.
This is since having DS. His parents are also a nightmare and don't like me and think I hold him back.
I wanted to stay in the marrage and try to make things word but I am just keeping out of his way upstairs, tidin up to give me something to do and bursting into tears now and again

juliascurr Fri 22-Aug-14 21:03:33

how are you now?

they might be helpful

Purplepoodle Fri 22-Aug-14 21:03:40

Births can be horribly traumatic for everyone. My dh did quite a bit of shouting at me with labour dc1 as I frankly refused to listen to instructions at the time putting myself and dc in danger - I didn't realise at the time. He was completely stunned when handed dc1 and kind of spaced out. BUT he was better prepared next time.

Could he be finding the epilepsy very scary? A friends dh didn't want to be alone with her when she developed epilepsy as he was so scared of her having an attack and that he would do the wrong thing.

Try relate perhaps

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 21:06:50

I understand what you are saying and I am now booked in for two appointments. I understand the stern looks and have given myself a stern talking too. I have also booked to see a councillor to talk through issues I have.
I have explained to him no holes bared how I feel let down by him but it does not seem to go in. He has apologised but it is am easy word to say.
All I can say to explain what I felt like was every time it got near an appointment or I had to make one I got the shakes and just could not do it. The though of seeing a doctor apart from my GP made me feel sick.
I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome and PND after the birth. I know these are not excuses and no one is beating themselves up about it more then me.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Aug-14 21:08:12

When you say he's getting in a huff when you have a seizure (WTF?? why no concern for your comfort/safety?) is that a sulky huff with him getting in an arse with you, or is the root of it concern for your DS and what's happening to him while you're having a seizure?

What happens to you when you have a seizure (if you don't mind me asking?) are you on the floor incapacitated or is it more of a 'drifting away' kind of thing for a short while? How long does it take you to recover? Is there any chance of you hurting yourself?

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 21:08:57

I don't think it is a case of finding the seizures scary as I have had them all the time I have been with him.
I am getting there now I think well I was until all this. smile

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 21:11:01

I always have an aura before a seizure so I know it's coming and can make myself safe. So he basically leaves me too it and just checks i am ok after.They last about 10 seconds if that it takes another 10 seconds to come around. After that I am tried but can carry on.

Pat45 Fri 22-Aug-14 21:11:57

Down you poor thing, you have been through an awful lot. A woman I work with told me that her daughter had a dreadful time giving birth and ended up with a brutal forceps delivery. My friend told me that her daughter was getting counselling to help her cope with the trauma of the delivery. The midwives at the hospital arranged it up for her (I think) and when she went along it was a group counselling session with other mums who had been through a tough birth. The counsellor told the mums that they could have got post traumatic stress because of their experience. I wonder if something like that might have happened to you.

When you feel strong enough perhaps you could telephone the maternity ward and ask if counselling is available where you live. I have spoken to other people whose birthing experiences were horrendous and it really traumatised them.

Try not to worry about everything all at once. Get back on track with your appointments and worry about your marriage later. Try to get some rest and maybe things might be clearer in a few months. Look after yourself.

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 21:12:45

He seems to get in a huff that he has to look after DS for a but while I recover. But lately with his moods I have just been carrying on straight away. It always helps if I can rest for half am hour or so after but it's not essential

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Aug-14 21:14:04

No need to beat yourself up smile

You had PTSS and PND! It's not your fault.

I'm really just wondering whether the way he has been has been out of a genuine concern for you and your DS.

Him apologising is a good start, does he acknowledge he could have behaved differently and that you feeling unsupported is totally legit? Or is he trying to palm it off onto you, making out that you're responsible for him behaving like a twat?

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Aug-14 21:20:03

The only kind thing I can think of about why he might be in a huff then is maybe that he resents your epilepsy dictating how things are going to be.

But taking it out on you as though you can fucking help it is very unreasonable.

If you keep up with your appointments are you able to control it a bit more? And he's maybe more fucked off than he has reason to be at the min because he's thinking you are responsible for them by not going, totally missing the bigger problem of why you're not going?

myroomisatip Fri 22-Aug-14 21:23:17

He does not sound very caring or loving sad

In fact it sounds as if he is making it all about him.

Take care of yourself and get all the help that you can.

Pat45 Fri 22-Aug-14 21:27:35

Down, sorry cross post, didn't realise you had been diagnosed with PTSD. Any wonder that you are trying to avoid the medical profession! Just take things slowly. There is no rush to get well. Do one small thing everyday, maybe a phone call or a very short walk. Don't put any pressure on yourself, you have been through a dreadful time.

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 21:27:58

He does acknowledge he could have done things differently but at the same times there is always the "I thought you just needed to try a bit harder!!"
The epilepsy does on occasion stop us doing stuff but we have been away four times already since Ds was born (no we are not rolling in it, we have had been to stay with people and had one paid for holiday by my parents with them) and a few nights out and loads of days out with DS so I don't think he is doing too badly.
We obviously talked and talked and talked before having a baby taking into account that no meds or treatment had brought the seizures under control and poss never would.
I still manage to work three days a week in a good job so he can be resenting me for no bringing money in.

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 21:30:59

I just don't know if I can stay with a man who has said basically he will let me know at some point if we have a future. But at the same time don't know if I have the strength to leave at the moment.

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 21:34:34

Also I hate going away from home at the moment but have done it for him. Going out takes real determination as does going to work but I have done it.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Fri 22-Aug-14 21:41:52

He is an arse - for so many reasons.

You shouldn't stay with a man who has basically 'put you on hold' - fuck that for a joke.

Find the strength to leave and your general recovery will be so much quicker.

I don't know what your housing situation is like - but is there any way you could make him leave, not you?

BBQSteak Fri 22-Aug-14 21:45:05

op,can you imagine what sort of arse hole he is going to be if your unwell in old age

he doesn't sound v caring or loving towards you at all

also the way he acted at the birth is unforgivable

I would leave I think

you deserve better

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Aug-14 21:47:16

If he decides he hasn't punished the OP enough for having epilepsy and that they haven't got a future LatteL, he can get the fuck out himself can't he?

No need for the OP and her DS to be uprooted if he can't pull any support for her out of the bag.

downindumpsbutok Fri 22-Aug-14 22:16:14

I could just about afford the morgage on my own but it would be just about.

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