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To have burst into tears whilst on the phone to dh? And now I don't know what to do.

(53 Posts)
Tory79 Wed 20-Aug-14 12:07:28

I am 34 weeks pregnant so probably that in itself makes it reasonable.... But here's the story anyway.

We started major building work on our house 3 weeks ago, a double story extension. Ds(2.11) and I have moved to my mums which is 3 hours away. Dh is with his parents, as they are just a few minutes from our house so he can oversee the building work and do a lot of the interior work (whilst also working full time as well) so we are both quite stressed, me because I'm heavily pg and just want to nest and get things sorted, dh because of the pressure of the house.

Dh has always maintained he was sure most of the work would be completed by the time I was looking to come home - which is in just over 2 weeks, when I'll be 37 weeks. Not finished, but manageable and just about liveable. I've always doubted this, but dh has always told me I'm just being negative hmm so today I asked him to actually ask the builders where they thought they'd be in 2 weeks time. Surprise surprise, they reckon they'll have finished the lower level, so be half way through the extension, with roof and interior fitting etc still to do. And of course that's not allowing for any more delays.

It's plain to see that our house is still going to be a building site by the time the baby is due. Funnily enough I burst in to tears. Dh got all stroppy and asked if we should just stop the building work then etc etc which just made me cry more - he's not good with just offering a shoulder to cry on or some sympathetic words, I. Fact to be honest he's shit at it and just gets annoyed. I ended up pretty much just hanging up on him. All things considered I don't think I was unreasonable to have just lost it a bit, after all, he's the one who's felt the need to go on and on about how it will all be fine and I'm just thinking negatively (or realistically, as I prefer to see it...)

And in terms of not knowing what to do...well the options are

Stay here at mums for longer, running the risk I'll end up giving birth down here, but where I have friends, and most importantly, my mum smile Ds is also supposed to be starting pre school when we go back, and we would have to delay that also.

Go back and stay with dh and his parents. That seems like the logical option, but their house is small, they are both retired so around all day. I've stayed with the, before and found it really hard work and unable to relax. I like his mum but find his dad hard work, and would feel very uncomfortable at this stage in the pg with him. Mil is very phobic about all things medical, so if I went in to labour etc it would be fil I'd have to turn to - dh is often 3-5 hours away for work. But ds would be able to start pre school, we'd see dh occasionally (not seeing him at all at the moment) and at least I'd be in the vicinity of the house....

The pregnant hormonal part of me just wants to stay with mum, the logical side of me says it would make more sense to go back and stay with pil. If it wasn't for pre school it would be a much easier decision, I'd stay with mum maybe up until 39 weeks (assuming baby didn't come sooner)

Sorry for the essay. I think I'm having pre baby blues as I seem to be generally in tears at the moment. I am pissed off with dh, mainly for his complete inability to be at all sympathetic, but also for his steadfast refusal to admit even the possibility of the house not being at all ready to live in. I should add I don't hold him responsible for the fact that it isn't, more that he's dismissed all my concerns about the timescale, and has never really been willing to discuss alternatives.

YouTheCat Wed 20-Aug-14 12:26:31

Stay with your mum where you'll feel relaxed. It doesn't matter if your ds starts pre-school late but let them know what is happening.

I'd always be wary of building work that didn't have a proper time frame set.

Blithereens Wed 20-Aug-14 12:28:34

Stay with your mum. No question.

AnnieLobeseder Wed 20-Aug-14 12:32:13

Pre-school is absolutely irrelevant. Their places will be held if you explain your situation, and it will no difference at all to them in they have to wait for a couple of weeks to start.

Stay with your mum, let her look after you, then you can just relax and focus on the birth.

wigglylines Wed 20-Aug-14 12:34:53

I would like to appeal to the logical side of your brain. If you have to stay with the ILs in an environment you feel uncomfortable in, potentially with a newborn, you run a much higher risk of getting PND, or having a difficult start and resenting your DH and them.

Staying with your mum is the logical option IMO.

SorryForTheTypos Wed 20-Aug-14 12:35:35

Oh love!

I don't blame you for feeling upset. Practically speaking, he's right in that the building work has to carry on, but having had building work recently, I know what an absolute all consuming PITA it is - even the clothes in our wardrobes were coated in dust.

Either of your solutions will be ok. You'll get through.

IScreamForIceCream Wed 20-Aug-14 12:36:22

Another vote for stay with your mum where you feel more comfortable and relaxed. the logistics of everything else can be worked out.

Poor you, OP.

SublimeCorpse Wed 20-Aug-14 12:37:28

Stay with your Mum. Simple!

Well it would be for me. Do what's right for YOU.

Good luck thanks

jopickles Wed 20-Aug-14 12:38:04

I can't offer much advice but we are going through the same extension work with no hot water or kitchen and living in the property with a 4 year old so I share some of your pain and all I can say is stay away as long as you can I know its not ideal but don't rush back and struggle it isn't worth the hassle and you will regret it. I would realistically say you need to be planning to bring your baby back to your parents and enjoy your first couple of weeks with the added help.

BringMeSunshine2014 Wed 20-Aug-14 12:41:29


Stay with your Mum.

Pre-school is a total non-issue.

Your DH is an idiot and needs telling. It was madness to think it would be ready in time for you to move back in good time for the baby coming. He should not be stressing you out like this.

He is also being a selfish, stupid arse. You do not treat your heavily pregnant wife like this (the way he has spoken to you). Git.

He needs someone to tell him to grow up and stop acting like a twat - on all counts.

BringMeSunshine2014 Wed 20-Aug-14 12:44:44

I agree with jopickles too - if the house isn't ready when the baby is due, have the baby down there in a nice warm, clean, cosy home with your Mum on hand. If DH doesn't like that - tough. He should have listened to your concerns when you voiced them.

maras2 Wed 20-Aug-14 12:48:20

Stay with your mum.Good luck.

AgathaF Wed 20-Aug-14 12:52:21

Stay with your mum, unless you can afford to rent somewhere cheap for a month or so.

PrimalLass Wed 20-Aug-14 12:54:35

Stay where you are.

Serenitysutton Wed 20-Aug-14 12:55:05

Stay with your mum until you have to leave for Dd to go to pre school, but don't think about that. Don't think about anything like that for the next few weeks. Hope you have a lovely time with your parents. I would also insist my mum looked after me (a treat at anytime, surely?!)

BarbarianMum Wed 20-Aug-14 12:55:22

Talk to the preschool before making a decision (this probably won't be possible now til term restarts). If you (and they) are counting on your ds using his 15 free hours to fund his place then there are very strict rules about how long a place can be 'held' for before the term's funding is lost entirely.

I was Chair of a preschool where a family were away attending the sickbed of a grandparent. Was very difficult to keep the funding in place aftera few weeks (strangely they couldn't give an exact timescale for how long Grandpa would be ill, which is what the DoE seemed to want).

3littlefrogs Wed 20-Aug-14 12:58:38

Stay with your mum.
Delay preschool. It would be a really, really bad idea to send Ds to preschool immediately after the birth of a sibling. Little children cannot cope with more than one huge change at a time. You are all settled with your mum, stay put.
I speak from bitter experience, having been exactly where you are when i was expecting my second DS.
I was in 5 different rented places from 34 weeks pregnant to 12 weeks post birth, travelling round on buses and trains with a 2 year old and a newborn. DH was in a work based bedsit.
DS1 suffered terribly with all the changes, I wish I had just gone to my mum's in the first place, we would all have been much happier.

amyhamster Wed 20-Aug-14 13:02:54

Definitely stay with your mum
being with your inlaws if you're uncomfortable around them will be horrendous with a newborn

Tory79 Wed 20-Aug-14 13:04:46

He's not funded until jan so it's a paid for space which we'll just have to pay for until he can actually start - my main concern was wanting to have him start before the baby came.

Ronmione Wed 20-Aug-14 13:09:22

Stay with your mum, your ds doesn't look old even for funding so either your are getting the two year old funding or you are paying, so contact the pre school and explain the situation. They will either want you to pay or just delay his start.

I bet your dh feels guilty, so if acting like a twat!

Catsize Wed 20-Aug-14 13:13:03

Another vote for staying with mum. It's better all round to feel happier in your surroundings. But then I have discovered my inner hippy since becoming a mother. Good luck OP.

petalsandstars Wed 20-Aug-14 13:16:35

Another vote for your mums. DS can have her attention and if you do give birth do you really want to establish bf and recover in a small house with PIL. I'd have my mum a million times over.

HSMMaCM Wed 20-Aug-14 13:20:44

Stay with your mum. Just tell pre school you'll be along later on the term.

KleineDracheKokosnuss Wed 20-Aug-14 13:22:35

Start with your mum. It sucks that you will have to pay for the pre-school place when you aren't using it - but you need to be calm and relaxed and not feel stressed when your new baby arrives. Stay where you feel happy.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 20-Aug-14 13:28:59

Stay with your mum.

YADNBU btw smile

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