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To be slightly annoyed at dp's comments re losing weight and marriage

(174 Posts)
Mrskeats Wed 20-Aug-14 09:59:01


To give some context I was married for 19 years and dp has never married although been in long term relationships. We live together.
He knows that I would get married again despite the whole divorce nightmare. Just because I picked the wrong man doesn't men the whole systems wrong right?
So he's definitely marriage phobic for reasons I'm not really sure of.
Anyway he says well if you can get down to a size 12/14 (18 currently as I was when we met btw) we will get married.
I would like to lose weight but am a bit insulted that he sees himself as such a prize that I have to 'win' effectively
Safest bet I ever made he jokes. Grrr
Am I being unreasonable to think this is arrogant and a bit controlling?

BubbleButt14 Fri 22-Aug-14 11:43:58

sorry - crossed posts - Petula - I do understand, completely.

the diet/exercising comment - was mainly from my own personal experience. We have a really, really nice girl here in the office in her early 20's, who constantly chops and changes the fad diets she does.... her weight fluctuates constantly, as she is always losing weight "for a wedding/holiday/weekend away" - but she doesn't exercise. Because her peers do the same, she can't see that the cycle of - "Start at a certain weight / fad diet for 1 month or two / lose weight for occasion / stop diet / gain weight unintentionally / hit previous start weight / fad diet" isn't great.
She always complains that when she has lost the weight, been on the holiday, but is then mucnhing her way through a large bar of cadbury's and having a macdonalds at lunch every other day - that she is putting weight on again.... then she's unhappy as she has put on weight, gets invited to something else, and the whole cycle begins again...

Essentially - what I am trying to say is that there is a significant portion of the females - in my area, for sake of not generalising more than I need to! - who do not understand the difference with spot dieting and maintaining a healthy weight. I see girls at the gym who turn up in full makeup, who walk on the treadmills then stop for a chat for 20 mins, or spend the whole time sat on the machines on their phones, usually involving conversations about "OMG at the gym, it's so hard".....

Losing & gaining weight in a constant cycle isn't healthy.

Sorry - off topic!!

In summary - Petula - not being patronising, sorry if it seemed that way, I am in agreement with you, mostly!

MuggleMum Fri 22-Aug-14 11:44:44

I'm wondering if you are sorry you asked now? Good luck.

PetulaGordino Fri 22-Aug-14 11:58:42

ok bubbles, i do understand what you're saying, but you've unintentionally given me the perfect example of a patronising turn of phrase that i have to pick up on:

"We have a really, really nice girl here in the office in her early 20's"

she's a woman - calling an adult woman "girl" is patronising (it may be different if a group of women call themselves "girls", but i would not do so myself". a less patronising way of saying this is "i have a female colleague in her early 20s"

i agree that what you're describing isn't healthy, but i see it as a symptom of the pressures that are put on women to look a certain way and years of socialising women to believe that they are of less value if they don't meet the mark. it is harder to treat yourself in a healthy way in terms of diet and exercise if the messages you are receiving tell you it will never be good enough. it's not inherent in women to behave in this way, it is taught

TheRealAmandaClarke Fri 22-Aug-14 13:01:15

Oh fgs.
How has this thread turned into a varied instruction manual on the best way for a girl woman to lose weight?
I agree with a pp. what he said was mean.
Ppl in happy, solid relationships can say mean things. Only the op knows whether this is a pattern. But it was a mean thing to say.

Anyone who thinks that being judged by appearance is equal between men and women does not inhabit this planet. Or is a misogynist.

Sometimes I think ppl on MN overreact to an OP and suggest "LTB" when the Op does not really give a picture that suggests it would be necessary or advisable. But it is not as prevalent as has been suggested here.

TheRealAmandaClarke Fri 22-Aug-14 13:03:23

And yes, i bet that "girl" would be very attractive and might even bag herself a husband if she wasn't fat.
If only she would learn something about the importance of nutrition and exercise. It must be so frustrating for you.

wildfig Fri 22-Aug-14 13:07:24

As far as I read it, this wasn't so much about the weight loss, as the implicit nastiness of the OP's OH "promising" something she really wants, with no intention of ever delivering on it. Instead of being upfront and saying, 'I'm sorry, but for xyz reasons, I don't want to get married', he instead hinged it on the OP's weight and then crowed that her implicit lack of self control is his security.

that's what the wave of opinion was based on. Not whether the OP should be down the gym trying to burpee her way to holy matrimony. hmm

PetulaGordino Fri 22-Aug-14 13:07:25

quite, amanda

Yes dear but THE MAJORITY OF WOMEN are silly billies about dieting, it's because they watch TOWIE and eat Special K, dontyewknow.

Now let's stop commenting on specific circumstances, and go back to our sweeping generalisations, based on some of the women on my facebook friends list.

BubbleButt14 Fri 22-Aug-14 13:12:33

god no Amanda - she's very attractive both in looks and personality as she is!

TheRealAmandaClarke Fri 22-Aug-14 13:14:53

Yes Gilbert when will they learn? <tuts>
No wonder there a so many single women out there. Don't they realise if they just looked more like something out of "Zoo" magazine healthy then they would have been skipping up the aisle by now.

It's not because you're male BB, it really isn't. I haven't declared my gender, or that of my partner.
I have been a poster on here for a number of years however, and have noticed patterns emerge. Out of interest, what brought you to MN at this particular time?

aprilanne Fri 22-Aug-14 13:18:27

my friends husband told her she was not the woman he married because of a bit weight gain .well she lost the weight .told darling hubby he was not the man she married .because the young hubby had lovely hair the middle aged version was bald .then lost the hubby .she is 50 and now with a new partner .if he does,nt love you for you .well you know the rest

Mylifesmyownagain Fri 22-Aug-14 13:48:30

PetulaGordino wrote: why use weight then? why not use something that is equally unlikely (as he believes) but not related to personal appearance?

Because OP says she was size 18 when she met him - he never saw her as a 12/14. And how do we know she would not get upset if he said something else -- like if you stopped eating xxx?? Need to move on ...

BubbleButt14 Fri 22-Aug-14 13:53:02

Gilbert - been posting for a while, on and off for about 6 months, if not longer, but got a bit sick and tired of some of the posts, so ducked out for a bit.
Been reading a lot of the threads, but not posting, saw this one and offered some comments, nothing more, nothing less.

Thanks for the response! Will add to the dossier.

PetulaGordino Fri 22-Aug-14 15:11:40

Mylifesmyownagain - sorry what? you're going to have to explain your comment further because i don't understand what you mean

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Aug-14 15:42:42

Bubble you said "whatever size height build size 18 is on the large side.

Im a size 16/18 but in bras im a 34 back size.

Bubble im sure you can tell me though where i can find bras in a 28 back size but a bigger cup size when the rest of my weight comes off since you seem to be the fount of knowledge about all else.

Fuck all comes off my boobs you see no matter what i do. I also cant help the speed with which my weight comes off. Im also carrying some loose skin from my major weight loss years ago and TWO DOCTORS have told me it CANT be excersised off. I was in the hairdressers yesterday and i liked what i saw when i looked in the mirror. I already cant wear strappy tops because my shoulders are so small. There is a woman in my slimming class who is now ill which has come from the stress of trying to lose weight Her weight is coming off slowly like mine is. Talking to my colourist about this yesterday she said "the mental stress of it is going to make me ill. My waist is smaller too. Blouses i HAVE to wear bigger sizes because of the size of my breasts. Currently a 34J

Your posts on here have been incredibly triggering especially as you have a friend who died as a result of an eating disorder.

I did hide this thread. However i didnt realise you could get back in via Twitter.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Aug-14 15:44:01

aprilannes post is the perfect example of "be careful what you wish for"

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Aug-14 15:47:11

Oh i dont like reality tv OR soaps I prefer crime dramas. And i dont lust after fireman or bodybuilders.

Compassion , intelligence and humour though i find a HUGE turn on in a man.

BubbleButt14 Fri 22-Aug-14 15:56:50

Darkesteyes - if you had read my posts from today - you can see my comments apologising for jumping to conclusions about your situation.
You have done very well to be so determined, and obviously worked hard - and you deserve every bit of praise for your efforts. I also do understand that there are other "factors" in the sizing of ladies clothes, that us gents don't have to take into account....

You didn't hide the thread though - still on the main topics list.

ouryve Fri 22-Aug-14 16:00:25

I would rather be a size 18 and single than marry someone with that sort of attitude. As the saying goes, you've got about 11 stone to lose - of someone who probably wouldn't go in for the in sickness and in health thing.

"Hide thread" function only hides it for your own profile, not all users.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Aug-14 16:14:57

Fair enough Bubble. Thankyou for the apology.

Mylifesmyownagain Fri 22-Aug-14 16:32:50

PetulaGordino, I meant that op met the guy as a size 18 and has been living with him as this size. She wants to get married but he seems happy with the status quo. So it is likely he just said lose weight and I'll marry you -- implying that he didn't think she was going to do it and they could carry on living together his way. Hope that makes sense!

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