Another wedding one! (sorry)(43 Posts)
I am going to a wedding soon, in the back end of beyond. BF is driving me and my 2 DC down there the night before. We could go under our own steam but it would be a nightmare journey, and involve a hefty taxi fare as the nearest station is about 15 miles away!
I am a bridesmaid, and my teen DC are also part of the bridal 'party'. BF is a relatively new relationship (4 months, will be 5 by the wedding) and has only recently met my DC, but so far they get on well albeit it's still early days - so they are used to seeing/talking to him, but so far only with me around.
So, the bride has decreed that the night before the wedding we are to celebrate her 'last night of freedom' and this is girls only. The other women who will be there are either childless like the bride, or one has a young DC who will be at home with her DP (they live nearby and DP/DC are not travelling up til the morning). The groom and other men in the bridal party live about 30 miles away, so are also coming on the morning.
I've said that whilst I will come along to this celebration for a couple of hours, I'm not spending all night there (because it's not fair on my DC being stuck in a hotel room, nor on my BF who will be on his own). This has caused uproar, and I've been told by the others I should be putting my friends first, etc -the assumption seems to be that I'm saying this simply because of my BF, but I'm not, if he wasn't there my DC would still be on their own (and whilst they're fine on their own from a safety perspective, I know they will be utterly bored after a couple of hours in a hotel room). My BF will be happy to spend a bit of time with them in my absence, but I know will feel slightly awkward/uncomfortable in that way you do with kids you don't really know (I know that's how I feel around my DC's friends for example).
The other suggestion was that we come on our own, and BF drives up the morning of the wedding instead - meaning me and the DC have a crappy, long and expensive train journey to get there the night before - and DC still end up on their own in the evening!
I really don't feel saying 'ok I'll come along for a couple of hours but that's it' is being horribly unreasonable? When this was planned (very vaguely, before I was with my BF, but of course when me and DC were still going) we were asked to come the night before - which I agreed - the bride said she wanted to have a few drinks with us all, but I'd understood her to be including my DC in that, not expecting me to leave them on their own for the night.
I should add the bride has already had a hen night and hen weekend (I only went to the latter) so I do feel I have done my bit in terms of celebrating with her already!
how old are your teens - you appear to think they are old enough to be included in the invitation for a few drinks, yet not old enough to spend a few hours alone in a hotel room
The bride is being a silly cow. You've said you'll go for a while and she's already had her 'official' hen night. Besides what bride wants a big, boozy get together the night before she gets married?
Stick to your guns.
It's difficult but I think you should probably stick to your guns. If you've done the hen weekend it's not as if you're crying off everything.
Two teens really will not be bored in a hotel room. Dont all teens spend a big portion of their eveningsin their room? internet, a movie, room service, swim if theres a pool there. Id imagine theyd have a nice old time tbh.I
I think you're being generous saying you'll go along for a couple of hours. A hen weekend and a full day celebrating/doing bridesmaidly duties is quite enough in my opinion
I can only answer from my pov, obviously, but neither my DP nor my teen daughter would have an issue being alone in a hotel room for the evening. And my daughter doesn't have a sibling to be bored with.
Room service, whatever TV/movies they want, iPad/laptop, books, magazines, music etc...they'd find something to occupy their time. My daughter would love it! (Again, not projecting, I don't know your children, just my own pov for your consideration )
It's just like being at home, surely, we each do our own thing- my teen and I are in the same room right now for example but she's watching MTV and I am on here
I'd go, and enjoy myself!
YANBU, you came up with an acceptable compromise.
Be polite but don't change your plans. Explain firmly but politely that you will attend part of the celebration, but that your children need you in the evening.
I hope for your sake you are met with reasonableness x x x
Please update us on what happens as I am hugely nosey.
The bride is being selfish.
Is your BF going to be invited to spend time with the groom doing whatever he's doing the night before the wedding?
I wouldn't fancy the girls only night personally so YANBU. But if its going to cause a fuss and result in your friends making rude remarks etc, would it be an option for your BF to take your DC out somewhere local for the night eg to the cinema. I know you mentioned he doesn't know them well yet, but it might be an opportunity for them to get to know one another better. My DP has looked after my DS a few times (eg 3 months after we first met) when I've been called into work with short notice, and they have bonded really well after having some time alone together without me there.
I think you've been more than reasonable . Crikey, my dd is being a bridesmaid for my gorgeous cousin next month and she has been SO lovely and accommodating about it you would think we were doing HER the favour. I am astonished at the ridiculous decrees issued by brides described on MN. Stick to your guns. Yanbu at all.
So is the main issue that you don't want to leave your newish boyfriend on his own for the evening, with the children? I can understand that.
I don't understand the argument that the children would be too bored - with a TV/books/DS/etc they will cope fine.
Are all 4 of you sharing a hotel room? If so, I can see it being awkward for your boyfriend. Have you spoken to him about it?
Agree with above, obvious answer is for boyfriend to take teens to cinema/bowling/something?
DC are 13 and 16.
The hotel blurb makes no mention of wifi, which knocks out laptop/tablet. they're not much of ones for tv so absent internet and x box they really will be bored!
We have 2 sep rooms, one for bf and I, the other for DC.
Nice that these "friends" who are so keen for you to be "putting friends first" are being so supportive of you.
I think you have made a decent compromise and I would stick to it and ask the bridal party to support your decision.
so what would you be doing with your teens to alleviate their boredom if you stay in the hotel?
Cinema etc could work however I would still feel a bit guilty leaving BF with DC all evening when they barely know each other, plus given how rural this place is, i suspect nearest cinema may be some distance away.
There's nothing wrong with your compromise, you can choose what to do.
Could you go out later, maybe 9 also you play games with your teens for a while then send them to bed.?
If 9 is too early maybe you should call the hotel and see if there's wi fi?
I think maybe you assumed your friend included them initially in her drinks, because I would have thought a 16 and 13 yr old will cope fine on their own.
I do see why you are reluctant regarding the bf and kids spending a long time together when they don't know each other well. You should however put it aside for one night though.
Can't you just play it down and then duck out early? Can't see the need to make a big deal of it on either side, really. YANBU.
I suspect the Bride will realise after a couple of hours that what she really needs is to get to bed.
Do what suits you, a couple of hours is fine. I'm getting married very soon and I'd never make demands on guests who are already putting themselves out for me!
Yanbu! Don't worry about this.
Have checked this evening and definitely no wi-fi at the hotel.
I believe the bride's plan is for drinks with 'the girls' in the hotel bar/her room. My offer of coming along for a couple of hours only has gone down like a cup of cold sick.
BF has suggested we and the DC stop for dinner on the way up (we are coming late afternoon/early eve after work so it makes sense) thereby making sure we don't get there til 8/9, which (hopefully) limits the amount of time I'll have to be involved.
I know the bride will want to be in bed by midnight, but some of the others might well go on til the early hours, which I can't face knowing it will be an early start the next day.
Stop fretting- turn up as suggested, do a couple of hours, have a headache and go to bed! If the others have any sense, they will do the same. If not, ignore them!
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