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To be seriously considering using donor embryos?

(112 Posts)
Sleepswithbutterflies Tue 19-Aug-14 14:44:40

My mother thinks I am. She thinks I should be happy I've got ds and just move on.

She said:

1) she won't feel the same about a donor embryo grandchild as she does ds.
2) we are taking a huge gamble as loads of things could go wrong.
3) the child will want to find it's 'real' family (won't be possible as will be done in Spain where the donor is anonymous)
4) the child won't ever fit in properly.
5) children conceived with donor eggs get cancer (I am not sure where she's had this from as I cannot find any source to back this up.)
6) we are playing 'god' and it is morally wrong.
7) I won't bond with the child because it won't be mine.

We do have a ds but have been trying for a second child for two years. We have tried ivf but it has failed. I don't want to adopt. I want to get to be pregnant and have a newborn. Is that really selfish?
We don't really have any options left apart from to try donor embryos. Which obviously may not even work.
Aibu to want to try?

Kannet Tue 19-Aug-14 14:47:34

I am having a Donor Embyro transfer next month( from spain) and I have not told my parents or PIL for this very reason. People can be very odd

Sleepswithbutterflies Tue 19-Aug-14 14:51:23

I had to tell her because otherwise she will wonder why we are going to Spain rather than just having treatment here.
Also we would tell any potential child so inlaws and my parents would know then anyway.

itsbetterthanabox Tue 19-Aug-14 14:51:34

Why don't you want to adopt? So genetically it will be neither yours nor your partners?

Kannet Tue 19-Aug-14 14:53:22

We plan to tell them when and if the baby is born.

Sleepswithbutterflies Tue 19-Aug-14 14:53:29

It won't be mine or my partner's anyway with embryo adoption.

I don't want to adopt because I want to be pregnant and have a newborn. Which most women do else everyone would adopt instead of having their own biological children.

If I carried the baby it would actually be biologically mind but not genetically mine.

AlpacaYourThings Tue 19-Aug-14 14:53:34

As long as you have thought about this from every angle, YANBU.

Sleepswithbutterflies Tue 19-Aug-14 14:55:17

The only angle I can really think about is that it might give us a chance of having a baby.
I'm trying to be sensible and really think it through properly. It's hard when you want something so much.

Kannet Tue 19-Aug-14 15:01:11

Well I now its not a decision I have come to lightly, but its our only choice. From the secoond I am pregnant every decision I make will effect the child, therefore I believe it will be my child in every way that counts.
You go for it OP, ignore your mother, she will melt as soon as the baby arrives.

MadTessaSpall Tue 19-Aug-14 15:08:19

It really annoys me when people say it is selfish to do something like this. In my experience, people who say things like this have no experience of such a situation and just don't get it. You are not selfish for having a natural desire to carry a child. Sure, adoption makes perfect sense to a stranger looking in, but that is not for everyone and surely your desire to physically carry a baby is as relevant as anyone else's? Agree with Kannet, once a child is actually here it is very different to an abstract concept in someone's head. I think you're being very hard on yourself.

Terrierterror Tue 19-Aug-14 15:13:57

Her no 3 is the reason that UK law removed donor anonymity. It was done because it was considered better for the child to be able to find out who their biological parents were if they wanted to.

BarbarianMum Tue 19-Aug-14 15:14:55

I wouldn't do it because of no. 3 on your mum's list. Not that I don't think that you wouldn't be the baby's 'real' family (you would) but because I think that the not knowing one's genetic origins can often be damaging for an individual (that's why anonymous sperm donation is no longer allowed in the UK).

So in that sense yes I suppose you are being unreasonable but it's such a personal thing I'm not sure there is one right answer.

What will you do if your mum keeps up with her poisonous nonesense once you've conceived?

Nancy66 Tue 19-Aug-14 15:17:30

if that's what you want then do it.

Some studies have found IVF conceived children to be at greater risk of developing some cancers which may be what your mother is referring to

larry5 Tue 19-Aug-14 15:19:02

My db and sil had a donor egg from Spain and although I don't know if the baby is genetically his or not she is a much loved and wanted child.

Using a donor egg is only the same as adopting but doing it an earlier stage i.e before the baby is born.

Best of luck with your decision.

ikeaismylocal Tue 19-Aug-14 15:20:27

She is being mostly unreasonable, I would only say her point about the child being unable to find it's genetic parents is a valid point, why don't you have the treatment in the UK so your child could have the chance to search for their biological parents if they wanted?

Sleepswithbutterflies Tue 19-Aug-14 15:23:25

The waiting list for donor embryos in the uk is five years.

Sleepswithbutterflies Tue 19-Aug-14 15:24:37

People don't donate because they don't want the child to find them when they are 18. They don't want several children turning up on the doorstep.

I can see why the decision to lift anonymity on donors was made but it has meant a major fall in uk donors. Otherwise we would definitely stay in the uk.

UnderThePink Tue 19-Aug-14 15:26:24

She is being generally unreasonable and clearly struggling to get her head around this. I've read some of your previous posts though and this sounds like a logical next step and something worth trying.

Wishing you lots of luck and positive vibes smile

ps I love your username!

maggiethemagpie Tue 19-Aug-14 15:28:01

I don't see a problem with donor embryo if that's the only way you can have a child biologically. Go for it! You will be the only parents it has ever known ergo you will be its parents. It's only bits of genetic code we are talking about here, not to be flippant but at the end of the day that's all it is, loads of bits of code wrapped up in a tiny embryo. You will make it the child it is, through the nurturing you give.

I would take this option over adoption any day of the week. I nearly wasn't able to have a second child, and considered the adoption route but like you I wanted to carry the baby myself, give birth, have a newborn, have it from day 1. Luckily I was eventually able to have my own second child but if not I would have stopped at one rather than adopt (my problem was to do with having another pregnancy not conceiving so donor embryo would never have been an option for me)

There will always be people who oppose what you do if you go this route so you need to decide what and who to tell, and also how much you will care if they disagree with you.

Sleepswithbutterflies Tue 19-Aug-14 15:28:58

:-) Tori Amos fan?

It seems our only next step apart from giving up and I'm not ready to do that. Not yet anyway.

Kannet Tue 19-Aug-14 15:28:59

We have ome friends who donanted an embyro and they are worried that an 18 year old will turn up on their doorstep one day.

It a very hard decision to make but i believe its the best for us and hopefully for you OP.

Sleepswithbutterflies Tue 19-Aug-14 15:31:00

Thanks Maggie.
That is how I feel regarding adoption too. It doesn't feel right for us.

soundevenfruity Tue 19-Aug-14 15:35:57

Do what you feel is right for you but don't make it secret from your children (even if donors are anonymous in Spain). Secrets are very destructive.

Jelliebabe2 Tue 19-Aug-14 15:37:34

I'm probably going down the donor route. In fact we're on the waiting list with a clinic on the Czeck republic. Anonymity of the donor was a plus point for us and it's a lot cheaper. It will be nobodies baby but mine!

Why don't you just tell your mother that ivf Is much more advanced and successful abroad (true,) and that's why your having it done in Spain.

NaturalHistory Tue 19-Aug-14 15:40:10

Donors are not really anonymous any longer, just something to keep in mind with all of this..They can potentially be found now various DNA databases are at critical mass and it will be only become easier to find people in the future as they grow larger.

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